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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed in DS and not know what to do

15 replies

Couch432 · 11/03/2020 22:41

My Dsis had a 5 year old boy. She is no longer with the father but each have him roughly equally, she has announced to the family that since her new promotion at work she no longer wants DN as he gets in the way of her job and is going to let his father have him full time. She has not seen DN for 2 months at this point which we didnt know. However, we have just found out that when he is with his dad he goes to the neighbours instead as his dad goes out. So basically no one wants him. Our parents have offered to take him but a) they are getting quite old and b) the father would never agree to it as they live too far away as do I. There is also the possibility the father will take him back to his country which Dsis is fine with and we would never see him again.

And it just makes me want to cry, he is a lovely smiley boy whenever we look after him but Dsis always goes on about how annoying he is (being in the living room instead of his room, ) and looks forward to him not being there. I knew she was never massively maternal but I hoped she wouldnt go this far.

I know there is nothing we can do but it just feels like I need to do something. He is starting to act out a lot now and the school have asked about the change in his behaviour.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/03/2020 22:45

Well he is better off without her sadly but it’s terribly sad.

The dad it’s not so clear on, as in how often he goes out. He’s a single parent, if the neighbours are reliable baby sitters he is allowed a social life. You need to be clearer on why you think the father does t want him either.

Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2020 23:01

This thread has made me very sad.

outnumberedmummy · 11/03/2020 23:04

How often is his dad out?

AngstyAnnie · 11/03/2020 23:06

What did you say to your sister? Why is she acting this way? You sound like a nice person capable of empathy - why has she gone so wrong?

Was it a traumatic birth/abusive relationship with the child's father/ is your sister very young? Is there any way to figure out what would make her be so heartless towards her own child so maybe you can help salvage things somewhat?

Stompythedinosaur · 11/03/2020 23:28

It is sad, but you can't force your sister to be a decent human being.

Why are you concerned about the dad? Is he leaving your dn very often? I would say occasional babysitting for a familiar neighbour is fine.

If you have a concern about your dn's wellbeing then contact the children's safeguarding team in his local area.

The only other thing you can do is make it clear that you love your dn and keep him in mind - phone calls, postcards etc. Maybe offer to have him to stay for a weekend? Where dc are rejected by their parents other family relationships become very important.

GrumpyHoonMain · 11/03/2020 23:32

How do you know he’s being left with the neighbours? If the news came from your sister I would view it as suspect

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 11/03/2020 23:33
Sad

The only hope is that there are loving family members in his dads home country who will care for him properly and give him a good upbringing.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 12/03/2020 11:48

Are you able to look after DNephew, if only from time to time, to give dad a bit of time off without him having to go to the neighbours?

Ultimately it may be better if social services are made aware; it should be noted that wherever possible kids who can't stay with their parents are placed with other family members under a process known as kinship care.

Tp93 · 12/03/2020 14:35

Not the same (i hope re abuse) but reminds me of the Gabriel Fernandez case on Netflix, with the mother and her boyfriend not wanting her son, just so sad. Your poor nephew didn't ask to be born he just wants someone to love him. Please be that person and get him some help he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

hellcarryingahandbag · 12/03/2020 14:39

Go to court and fight for the poor child.

Reginabambina · 12/03/2020 14:43

That’s horrible.

DruryLanePenance · 12/03/2020 14:45

Just my two cents... This is neglect. Sometimes it only comes into realisation/ is processed when the child is an adult.... after a very unhappy adolescence escaping life. Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is real. It affects the person deeply. Over time it changes a personality, removes sense of identity, attracts addiction, and is difficult for that person to even understand themselves, often they just go through life believing they are inherently unworthy of love or validation. Talk to Safeguarding maybe? The child will not know which way is up. Clues are in the way the parents act and talk about the child.

Mads123 · 12/03/2020 14:51

Could you report it all to SS, then they could assess he is being well looked after.

Dozer · 12/03/2020 14:57

I would want no contact with a sibling who was such a poor parent.

If you / your parents have serious concerns about DN’s father’s parenting you could report to SS.

Or you could seek to establish / keep lines of communication with him open, visit, and offer practical help. Then if he does move away with DN he may maintain contact on some level.

ThrowingGoodAfterBad · 12/03/2020 21:42

It does sound like this is veering into neglect. Another possible avenue for initial advice, before you go to SS, is the NSPCC. Their advice line is supposed to be very helpful.

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/neglect/
Phone 0808 800 5000, email [email protected]

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