I think we might be reaching the end of "our" road.
I've stood by him during a point where he lost a business because he couldn't be bothered to work, I paid all bills and took care of the family. I stood by his side whilst he was made bankrupt. I even stupidly stayed when he caused us to get evicted.
Anything weve ever done I've found most of the money for, holidays, usually mostly paid for by me, our wedding, mostly paid for by me, household furniture, ditto.
It's got to the point where If i want to do something, want to buy something, want to have anything, it becomes an argument. I feel like I diplomatically have to explain why I want it. Even down to buying a pack of chicken poppers yesterday for 79pence.
I've realised in myself recently, if I have to buy something, I look for the very cheapest option almost as if i can then explain that its something I need/needed, but I've done my best to ensure that it's as cheap as possible...I'm talking anything at all.
My confidence has been so diminished in this relationship that there isnt anything that doesnt cause significant anxiety. I mean, I have anxiety anyway, but i fear the criticisms that will come if I load the dishwasher whilst hes around, I cant paint anywhere, because he will find a problem, I don't like to drive with him in the car, because I know he will criticisize me, he even does it about my cooking a lot of the time.
Right now I'm out of work mostly because my MH has been quite bad. I've recently been put on an OCD therapy course. Which I cannot go to because I cant justify the money to park.
He has created a lot of problems recently.
Hes started sneaking around and buying trainers to sell. I asked him a few weeks not to do it because he hasn't controlled money very well recently and I keep going cap in hand to my dad for money. He isnt a well off man, so I feel like shite going to ask because he needs the money, but I find myself with no access to money, and I often cannot afford the money for DDs school lunches.
Hes not paying our priority bills, and hes continually getting parking tickets for parking like a twat and doesnt pay the fines so hes recently got himself a CCJ.
He tried to quit his job a few weeks ago,
Then he was stood down. He refuses to call people back about work they've offered him. So essentially he is without work, without a pot to piss in at the moment.
When I was pointing out that were in a state and he needs to get serious about his money management he told me to fuck off.
Tonight he was called, and offered a job. It's not paid as well as he is usually paid, but enough for our expenses and some to save. He refused the job because the rate was "offensive"
Meanwhile, I'm trying to find a job, have been for a while, I think a lot of why im unsuccessful is im a massive bundle of nerves and I have no confidence at all.
I cant stand to be around him right now.
I've spent so long figuring out what we could save, how we could ensure there is money set aside for a rainy day, yet he squanders it. Usually on take aways during the day, and clothes and trainers, which he lies about. I'm not even talking normal trainers, I'm talking about expensive collectable sorts of trainers for a couple of hundred £ a time.
He knows what state things are in, but he just cant motivate himself to be in the real world.
Before the trainers it was gambling, before that it pornography. Not in the normal sense really, more in the watch every morning and we wouldn't have sex for weeks and weeks.
Hes always been focused that if he had more money things would be better, but he earns a rather large amount of money. I dont go out buying things. If me or DD need anything, and I do mean need, its bought grudgingly from Primark because i am always concerned that hes going to start.