AIBU to "evict" my father.

[Vedaisawesome]

My father has recently come out of hospital back to his house which I own. He is seriously ill, unable to look after himself, has four carers per day. At first he was able to get up each day but now he keeps falling when he tries to stand and the carers cannot cope. He is basically bedridden. He is also very belligerent and uncooperative. He is incontinent, can't care for himself at all. He is now refusing food from the carers and even today from my sisters. My two sisters who do their best to help the carers are at the point of breakdown. They are called from work every day because he falls and the carers can't lift him on her own. I don't live in the same country so can't help. Social services and the doctor won't move him to residential care, which he clearly needs but told him today he needs to think of others in how he behaves. I suspect that if I were to serve notice of eviction they would put him in care. He is my tenant and the place isn't suitable for him. I don't want to do this as he is my father but if it is the only way to get him residential care, should I? By the way this is not in England or Wales, but N Ireland where rules on care are different.

It’s probably worth a decent conversation with both of your sisters and a plan of where you want him to go for care and how it will be paid for before you do. You’re not being unreasonable if you genuinely have his best interests at heart (like parents turfing out children who have their own children to get them council accommodations)

@MabelTheCow We all have his best interest at heart. He has 4 carers a day...one gets him up and does personal care/ breakfast, another lunch, another supper and another comes in to put him to bed. All personal care as needed. The problem is he won't stay in bed or chair and keeps getting up and falling. He is insistent he will do as he likes, even if that means him falling all the time. He doesn't need carers, he needs full time monitoring in a home. My sisters and I have discussed it and that is the conclusion. I have no desire to turf my father out of his home but it is unsustainable even with all the carers he has in place.

You don't need a doctor or social services to more him to a care home, do it yourself!

who pays for the carers at the moment.
sounds like he needs two per visit, if he is bed-bound.
has he been assessed by physio/occupational therapist. maybe there is some equipment that could help.
he cannot be made to go anywhere if he has mental capacity, even if you evict him. it is his decision.
is there anyone else who could mediate in the matter. there are often tensions within families.
is there a local carers' centre, sometimes called princess royal centres, who might be able to advise your sisters.

He has full mental capacity and refuses to accept that he may need to move for care. An occupational therapist visited yesterday but clearly hadn't read his notes as she was talking about him bathing ( he can't get in the bath). She suggested a commode for nighttime even though he is not allowed out of bed. He refused it anyway as he hates them. My sister also refused it as occupational therapist suggested putting it in kitchen!!! Considering distance from bed to kitchen is same as to bathroom this is iditioc, not least unhygienic. Care at moment is provided by NHS. As I said NI rules are different to England. I need to look them up.

It’s a hard one, it may be you have no option, but it sounds as he may have given up. You say you live in another country perhaps you should try and visit him and access the situation yourself.

@Pixxie7 I don't think he's given up as he's still lively. His belligerent behaviour suggests he's fed up with the carers because they just reheat meals, not cook fresh. Yet when my sisters offer him fresh food he's rude to them and says he doesn't want it. It's very conflicting. I would love to go home but I can't. At present due to being extremely high risk for coronovirous I'm not able to travel. I barely leave my home, I only go out about once a week to food shop, avoid everyone I can by shopping at low contact hours and wear gloves when doing so. Just found out this evening my uncle has died and I'm gutted I can't go to funeral tomorrow ( I loved him dearly). I cancelled my monthly hospital appointment so I'm certainly not likely to voluntarily go to an airport. I don't believe my father has given up, he's frustrated, annoyed and non accepting of his condition

Could he have an underlying depression?

how big is his accommodation.
is there any relative who could would go to stay with him, for extra care and safety re falls, also to prepare better meals and make the place more homely, give him some company.
does he pay you rent. how is it that you own the place he lives in.
an absentee landlord ? in ireland / ? just musing. does he resent that.
he will have rights as a tenant, so it may take several months to evict him if you have to get a court order.
was he always so belligerant. is it due to illness, or depression/ fear/ pain. i feel a bit sorry for him. that is his life as it is now, restricted, dependent on others, who if they are like agency carers here, are very variable in competence/ interest in/ care for their clients. and rushed.
they are basically strangers coming into his home, ordering him about, probably much younger and female, which all adds to the sense of outraged dignity.
it's a difficult situation. has anyone asked him what he wants, or what he would suggest would make his life better. you cant make him do anything. he has the right to reject sensible advice. the right to live unadvisedly. he is an autonomous adult. we dont know how we'd feel or behave in his situation. i do sympathise. its tricky. good luck to him and you.

I work as a carer.
I'd say in relation to the meal sounds like Dad would like to eat with someone if possible - the carers tend to be around longer if the person requires them to stay while eating. The pre-heated meals could be batch cooked rather than ordered from a service.

It may be helpful to sit down and explain to dad that if this behaviour continues he will be seen to be endangering his own life. He needs a walker or wheelchair if he is unsteady on his feet this may allow his the extra freedom he needs. Make it clear that if he doesn't try these adaptations you will be unable to keep him in the home. If he has full capacity explain that your sisters do as much as they can and have others to care for also.
The elderly will be stubborn in care at home until they realise it's much more comfortable than a care home. Perhaps organise respite care at a home for him to spend a week there and see which he prefers? He'll either love it or hate it but if he hates it he's likely to become a lot more cooperative with the carers and families requests.

If you do attempt to evict him, be prepared for him not to be very happy about it! This might be the only way you can get him to move. Do you think he would just ignore the eviction? That could be a distinct possibility and you will be no further forward.
Also, please be aware that he is just the kind of person who will continue to fall in a care home, but it will not be your responsibility to get him up again, he will get shipped to hospital probably every time.
Horrible situation for you all.

We had a similar situation with our father. In summary we told him that if he was determined to live independently then that’s what he had to do as we couldn’t cope with his refusal to cooperate with us or the carers any more.

He eventually agreed to go into a nursing home. He kept telling us to ‘get him out’. We told him he wasn’t a prisoner and could go home whenever he wanted but he had to organise it himself.

I am not sure about an eviction, does he have a tenancy agreement? You will have to look into the legal process. It might be easier to put the house up for sale.

Your sisters could also look into having him assessed for lack of mental capacity. This is another difficult process but if successful he can then be put into and kept in a home against his will.

In summary you and your sisters need to stop propping him up. In the end the trigger for us was that we both went on holiday at the same time (not deliberately). The carers decided they couldn’t cope so he agreed to go into care.

I don't know the rules about tenancy and eviction in NI, but if it resembles anything like England, it is not at all what you think it is. For one, did you do treat like a tenant from the start? Do you have a contract, did you/do you do all the checks you are supposed to do? I assume you didn't asked for a deposit, but if you have is it protected in a scheme (I think this applies to NI too). Does he pay rent?

You can serve him with an eviction notice, but that doesn't mean he has to move. He can remain as long as you take him to court and bailiffs comes to evict him. This could be months and longer. A judge might refuse to evict a frail elderly person, and even if it got to that stage, how are the bailiffs expected to move him? The council are unlikely to do anything until then.

It sounds like SS are thinking he is not yet so poorly to have to go and however hard it is for your sisters, there's nothing they can do if he doesn't want to go himself. Sadly, it is just a question of time until he deteriorates and it gets to the point that he is assessed not able to care for himself even with carers at home.

When was his last assessment? Did you contest it?

but i believe it is the case that even if he is assessed as not able to care for himself at home, with or without carers, he still cannot be compelled, ie have his decision-making authority taken away from him, unless he is certified as not having mental capacity to make that decision.
he can choose to live in a risky situation. its his life, his choice.

To answer a few queries. I don't believe he is depressed. He has always been stubborn in his attitude but now it is much worse. If he wanted to eat with people, why does he refuse to eat when my sisters offer to cook for him in the house. It was an argument to get him to have a cup of tea and biscuits yesterday when my sister was there as first he wanted it, then he wanted to wait for carer, then he wanted it at the time so in the end my sister just made tea for him and it was left up to him to have it or not. He is just getting more belligerent and hard to deal with.
He has a walking aid to move around but can't manage to stay upright even with that. That's why he needs to either stay in bed or in his chair if no one is there.
As to eviction, I thought this might be a way to get social services to act. I would not actually evict my father if they said things are not going to change. He had a brief assessment before he was sent home from hospital but yesterday was the first time anyone has visited him at home. Yesterday the occupational therapist came but had clearly not read his medical notes as she assumed he was able to get up, bathe etc. He's actually not allowed to do anything as he is so unsteady and falling all the time when he attempts to get up. My older sister deals with the social services as they want one point of contact and she will take things up with them once they report on yesterday.
As to someone staying with him, there isn't really anyone and in any case, he wouldn't want that. His carers are lovely and spend time with him but he's getting too hard to manage. I think it is they who will probably force social services to act.
As to the tenant situation, he lives in my house, but pays no rent, insurance, maintenance bills etc.

The trouble with this situation (and we’ve been in a very similar one very recently) is that medical professionals will bend over backwards to declare him to have capacity as if that’s a binary thing. Let’s face it, a five year old has capacity to say that they’d prefer to live at home with mum but in the next breath will say that they want to live in a lighthouse on the moon or drink that funny lemonade from the blue bottle under the sink. Late FIL was completely unable to look after himself but nobody wanted to declare him lacking in capacity as he was a bloody awkward man who wanted to stay at home. This was used as a “professional” smokescreen to cover up that it would have required them to budget for either continuing care or social care. No way they were going to do that when he was clearly dying anyway - you don’t put on new tyres to take a car to the scrapyard. Wankers.

If he has capacity then you can't make him go into a home. Equally it's likely they'll know you won't actually evict him - if he has capacity, but no funds then it would be social housing and the council will tell him to stay in your house until you've gone through the full process to get him out.

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems. My father was from NI (and a man of a certain age) and had to be read the riot act as to what was acceptable behaviourally (after a stroke) In restrospect he was scared, not just scared but terrified, that we were going to put him in a home.

Once he'd been reassured we weren't going to "dispossess" him and managed to discuss it he calmed down.

Make no mistake, you are going to have to go home and the whole care setup is going to have to be re-jigged. Alternatively, get on t'inernet and get sourcing "naice" care homes that he might find acceptable.

Oh, and the rest of your family are going to have to back you up. Good luck!

Pay for a physical therapist - they can often help address balance problems with exercises etc and might be able to get moving a little. This assumes he will listen to them.