To let baby cry for a minute at bedtime?

[EeeyMacarena]

Hi all. DD is almost one and normally a pretty good sleeper. Normally We’d always rocked her to sleep and then transferred her to her cot, and she would then sleep for 11-12 hours straight. So it worked well! Worked.

Well, in the past few weeks rocking stopped working. In fact it seemed to infuriate her! She would act sleepy (rub her eyes, yawn ect) so we’d get her ready for bed (feed, bath, PJs) and then rock her, but instead of falling asleep like usual she would thrash around in our arms, kick, and cry. This has been since she started walking. This would go on for hours. Literally hours. It got to the point where she wouldn’t go to sleep until 2/3am, and would then be up for the day at 6:30am. That, or she’d fall asleep at 7pm but then wake up every hour! Calpol and anbesol (in case it was her teeth) made no difference. I’m a full time uni student and my partner works full time, so needless to say we were utterly knackered! DD, usually very sunny and happy, was also very grumpy and tired. She didn’t like to be rocked for naps either, so was only napping for 20 minutes at a time. We were all miserable, so I knew something had to change for bedtime!

Since rocking seemed to infuriate her now, I decided to see what would happen if I got her ready for bed but then placed her in her cot whilst awake and didn’t interfere with her for a couple of minutes. I decided that if she cried for more than a minute or so I would go in and soother her.

Well, the first night she cried for a minute but then, just as I was going to go in, she fell asleep and slept for 12 hours! I thought it might have been a fluke, but we’ve been doing this for 5 nights now and every night she has cried for less than a minute (sometimes less than 30 seconds) and then fallen asleep and slept for 11/12 hours. We’ve also been doing this for naps and again, 30 seconds of crying followed by a two hour long nap. She is now a much much happier baby. Very smiley and playful like she used to be! And of course DP and I are much happier too because we’re getting a decent amount of sleep.

I’d always been vehemently against any kind of sleep training or controlled crying, thinking it was cruel. And we’ve been lucky that we’ve never needed to use it up until recently. But now we’ve been doing it, I’m happy at the improved sleep and DDs improved mood, but I’ve been lambasted on other parenting groups and called cruel and accused of harming DD and our bond by letting her cry for a minute at bedtime. It’s never been longer than a minute, and it’s never been a loud, desperate, ‘help me’ cry. If it was I’d be straight in there. It’s more of a grumpy grizzle. It’s still not nice to hear her cry even for a minute, but if it improves her sleep and mood?

Am I really that bad of a parent for letting DD cry for a minute before she goes to sleep? She is my first baby and I always try to do my best by her

Thanks

How old is she?
If she's grumpy rather than stressed out you're probably doing the best thing in all honesty.
Don't let other people tell you you're a bad parent for doing what works for you.

I am not a fan of sleep training or anything like that but I would have zero problem with what you're doing - it doesn't sound cruel at all and just sounds like that's how your baby settles themselves. DS will grizzle from time to time as he's going to sleep but I know he's fine (fed, changes, not too hot or cold) so I just let him get on with it. What benefit is there in waking up a baby who is settling themselves to sleep?!

Some people have very strong views on parenting. Some people also like to think there is only one way to raise a child.

At the end of the day what you're describing is a happy baby and a happy family so YANBU.

I'd steer clear of anywhere where you get lambasted on other parenting groups and called cruel and accused of harming DD and our bond

'Course it's fine. My 19mo still cries for a couple of minutes every night when we leave the room - it's just her way of voicing an objection, cos no kid this age ever WANTS to go to sleep. You can tell the difference between real distress and just complaining - a minute (or more!) of the latter is no big deal.

My ds was the same. Our choice was leave him to cry for 2-3mins alone then he’d sleep. Or rock/pat him for 40-60 mins while he thrashed around and became hysterical.
He just could not fall asleep with us there after the age of about 10 months (of course we rocked him as a newborn).

Extremely short term pain for extremely long term gain. And it's not even pain. It's just a slight objection to going to bed.

Parenting high five to you.

I’m on my second child and this is exactly what I did with her at around the same age - worked like a charm. I’m not a fan of sleep training, but I don’t think this is that; you have to be guided by her and she’s telling you the interaction is too much for her. Stick with it 👍🏻

I could have written this myself. I used to feed to sleep, then switched to rocking. One day after 20 mins of rocking and shhing I’d had enough and put her down for 5 minutes to give myself a break. She rolled over and went to sleep. So we now do that. Sometimes there is a small amount of crying. It’s fine. I also hate the idea I’d sleep training but I don’t think That’s what this is.

Absolutely do it. No reason not to. Just think of it as her getting comfy like you do when you get into bed.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job. 👍

No you aren't a bad parent.
I'm all for sleep training, if they become totally dependent on mum and dad for every single upset and rely on someone rushing in the second they cry how will they cope later on when there is nobody to comfort them immediately.
Not talking about leaving them to cry for hours that's daft but come on 1 minute!

@GiveHerHellFromUs She’ll be one in a few days. Thank you all!

Mine used to do that as well. They would grizzle for about a minute. I’d think they would be about to really cry when they would fall asleep. I think it’s normal, and no, you’re not being a bad parent.

I would never personally sleep train and still co sleep at 18 months but even I think that if sleeplessness is affecting you and baby, then a little bit of crying does no harm.
You know your child best so do what you what and anyone who judges that isn’t worth your time

I did that with both mine from an early age they were always great sleepers. Absolutely it's fine.

Thank you everyone, it’s reassuring to know others have done this! I honestly think she just likes to be left alone at bedtime now!

I think you should leave the group you're in they sound very judgemental. Every parent does things differently I would hate the be scrutinised like that. You shouldnt have to defend yourself, you have a happy healthy baby.

@doadeer thank you, I think I will!

I'm completely anti cry it out, CC etc, but what you describe sounds like what DS does even if he's held, in the buggy/car seat etc it's a throaty eehhhhhh almost buzzing sound hard to describe, for less than a minute then he goes to sleep. We call it his sleepy sound. DB was pushing him in the buggy on a day trip last summer and he started doing it and DB laughed and said oh is he tired DN used to do this. It's not crying it's almost a self soothe thing.

YANBU. Natural parenting groups can be very judgmental in my experience which is why I left those that I joined. I don't get the argument about crying for a minute (or longer) being harmful - what do parents who say they're against that do when their child is screaming and they're driving? All the arguments about it harming attachment are based on the Romanian orphanage situation which is completely different. I think a child who cries for a few minutes and gets a good night's sleep is going to be much happier than one who wakes numerous times throughout the night and is constantly exhausted.

I used to do this with my ds. He wouldn't tolerate being rocked to sleep..he'd just get more irritated and cry for longer. I'd put him down, he'd whinge for a couple of minutes then fall asleep. I found me trying to comfort him would just draw the whole process out. But in general he always needed his own space when it came to sleep. We could never co sleep either.

Every child is different. Do what suits your child best and don't mind what other people are doing.
Children don't always know what is best for them, for example sometimes they need sleep but don't want to go to bed! They cry because they are expressing their emotions, and coping with their frustration at not being able to do what they want to, and it isn't cruel to let them do this. We rush to comfort children too quickly, like adults they need time to self regulate, especially when faced with something they don't want to do.
Your child is safe and loved, that is enough. Establishing boundaries and routine is just as much a part of parenting as giving comfort, and that is all that you are doing.
How ridiculous to suggest that allowing a child to self-soothe will impact on a secure attachment. Poor Bowlby, his theory being used to guilt and shame parents for PARENTING.

Goodluck OP and if I were you I would stay away from those bloody crazy online baby groups! They're enough to drive anyone mad.

My kids have both done this before sleeping, funnily enough only at night it's like they know lol. They were never rocked to sleep, if they fell asleep on us in the day that was different but in the nights we always put them down a little sleepy. My youngest always cried for a couple of minutes if that before falling asleep and he's 4 now and loves his sleep.

Send them my way OP. I’d love to hear how having a baby crying for hours because you insist on holding them “for bonding” is better than leaving them a few seconds to calm themselves and fall asleep
Twats.

I don't see that as sleep training, it's more the infant version of 'leave me the hell alone, stop patting and tapping and talking at me, just let me go to sleep'.

@EeeyMacarena Blimey, I am against leaving babies to cry/self sooth whatever, but a MINUTE?!

No harm in leaving them for 10 minutes in my opinion. I used to leave mine to whinge and cry themselves to sleep, and they would stop after 5 minutes. If it went on, I would go to them after 7-8 minutes.

That said, they didn't really cry themselves to sleep THAT much.