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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants to bring his mum on our night out

44 replies

ReallyBadSmellyCat · 10/03/2020 16:11

Me and my cousins were all close as we were kids and as we grew up. We’ve kind of drifted apart in adulthood but still keep in touch via Facebook etc and see each other when we visit my grandma etc.

A night out has been organised for all “the cousins and partners” at the end of March. DH wants to bring his mum and son along!

It’s supposed to be a cousins get together and we haven’t had a night out in so long. I think bringing his mum along is bloody stupid. I can kind of understand the son as he’s early 20s but he’s autistic so acts much younger and will need looking after all night. This isn’t the kind of night out i was looking forward to. Everyone else will be enjoying themselves as adults and we’ll be sat there looking after MIL and DSS. AIBU to tell him it’s either just me and him or I’ll simply go on my own? It would change the whole dynamic of the night otherwise.

OP posts:

Daftodil · 10/03/2020 16:33

There are 364 other days to go out with his mum and son. No, actually, it's a leap year! There are 365 other days to do something with his mum and son. Tell him you'll do something with his mum and son (& whoever else) the following week, but this night is for you and your cousins.

CoralFish · 10/03/2020 16:35

Yes just say "Oh yes, we should definitely do a night out your mum and DS. It's just cousins and partners this time though. How about the weekend after?"

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 10/03/2020 16:38

Say that it would be lovely... on another night, and he can come up with ideas what to do with them. Does he usually invite his Mum to nights out with you?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/03/2020 16:44

My family are like this, the "kids" (my parents gen, all in their 60's and 70's!) get together then the "grandkids" which is me and my cousins get together and sometimes we will all meet up.

Its quite specific and I totally get it, yet I think your husband is just hearing "family get together" and assuming that means any family without realising that it isnt like that. I know that some people think our family is unusual because we are all very close despite not seeing each other often. My sister cant have children but I have many "nephews and neices" who I am Aunty Pyong to, as my cousins are Aunty or Uncle to my children.

I would simply reiterate that its the cousins only, but you would be happy to go out with his mum and son another time.

billy1966 · 10/03/2020 16:45

Absolutely not his call to invite others to a night out that you have arranged with your cousins.

Tell him clearly that he is welcome to come with you, or he can have a night out with his mother and son, BUT he is not gate crashing your night out.

FamilyOfAliens · 10/03/2020 16:48

What on earth does ‘be kind’ mean @Firelink?

Roughly translates as “be a doormat”.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/03/2020 16:51

What did you say to him at the time OP?

Intelinside57 · 10/03/2020 16:53

It would be a bloody big gathering if everyone did this wouldn't it? Just tell him that's not the plan and they aren't invited. Simple.

KahlanRahl · 10/03/2020 16:58

Just tell him no.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/03/2020 17:07

you could just tell him, maybe next time as the parameters were only for cousins and partners only and you and your MIL/DSS may get a poor response if they did attend.
Saying that, I dont really see what the problem is.
You are asking him to a get together with your family members, some of which you haven't seen for a long time and I assume some he has never met. Maybe he just wants someone he can talk to. I don't understand why it should stop you from enjoying yourself?

Lunde · 10/03/2020 17:09

We have cousins' get togethers in my family - always cousins only plus their SOs. The older generation are not invited. I cannot imagine somebody's inlaws gatecrashing.

We have different family events where everyone comes which are arranged to be suitable for all ages.

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 17:09

Why would he even imagine his Mum would want to go? Does she know your cousins?
It sounds like he’s trying to get out of going himself, tbh. Nobody is that socially inept.

Reginabambina · 10/03/2020 17:12

He’s probably just misunderstood and thought it was a family event type thing rather than a pub crawl. Just explain that they can’t come.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 10/03/2020 17:14

Hell No, it would just be weird him bringing his Mum and son along. if he wants his Mum and son to have a night out with you then he can bloody well arrange his own instead of piggybacking someone else's.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/03/2020 17:15

Actually......I was just thinking and I can imagine one particular sibling group dragging a long everyone they have ever met, ever, to our get togethers given half a chance. So we dont give them that chance. They are the sort who, if you invite them and a partner to your wedding will ring and ask if they can bring their stepdaughters best friends mother, her partner and his 2 kids along........ They have always been like this though. My mother, who has had to deal with their mother, her SIL, for over 50 years has recently been introduced to the phrase "Cheeky Fuckery" by yours truly. She loves it and wishes she had known it way back when as it is perfect for Aunty X :o

Cobwebsandbrooms · 10/03/2020 17:26

Could he be feeling overwhelmed, or bored, by the thought of it just being your side of the family? Either that or he's kind of sabotaging it especially if the DS might find it a challenging environment. If he did, it would give your DH a reason to leave early (to help his DM out with the care of the DS).

Whatever it is, it's unreasonable to take over what is clearly a family gathering with a certain natural boundary (ie the collective cousins and their spouses only) to include his side of his family. It will change the dynamic and also he won't integrate as well if he's sitting chatting to his DM and DN most of the evening.

Cobwebsandbrooms · 10/03/2020 17:32

Firelink Using "Be kind" in an instance like this in which nobody other than the OP knows the parameters of and characters involved, is subtly shaming the OP into going along with something that doesn't make her comfortable and she has a right to express and/or explore.

Lalala205 · 10/03/2020 18:15

Does he definately know its a pub crawl? I can kind of understand his reasoning if he's mistaken it for a big meal out, and thought oooh DM and DS would like a look out, and they'd be another 'pair'. Would his mum even want to tag along on a pub crawl whilst looking after DS 😕. Does he have social anxiety and have a fear he'll be sat thumb twiddling so wants to fetch them along to ensure someone he's comfortable to talk to? It's all very odd.

Thisismytimetoshine · 10/03/2020 18:44

There are times when that bloody “Be kind” slogan (because that’s all it is) is ridiculously inappropriate.

Using it to urge people into behaving like doormats to be used by anyone who wants to is not being kind in the slightest.
My new slogan is #feckoff.

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