To not understand how my mother puts her husbands family before her own

[littleblackdress04]

My mother has been married to my (toxic) stepfather for 30 years and it’s destroyed our relationship. She ultimately has always put him above her kids & put his children and now grandkids before her own. She has never been on my side, has never been my cheerleader and has constantly criticised me since I was a teenager.

Aibu to not get it at all. Now I have kids, I can never understand this. I think my stepfather is partly to blame as he is very toxic but she’s never once taken my side, said anything nice up me (or my sister) and acts like we are an embarrassment to her & is now doing the same to my kids. The step kids are the golden children with the golden grandchildren.

I feel like it’s massively impacted my life and it’s only in my 40s with my own kids have I faced the lack of support/ positivity/ love that she has shown me.

Aibu to not understand how you could choose someone else & their kids over your own kids?

I’d like to say that it’s probably not her fault, that’s she’s been manipulated to act this way .

But in reality parents can just be shit and nasty of their own steam. I’ve not spoke to my mother is 18 years.

Call it a day with her and never allow her to negatively talk about your kids. Do not allow her to continue this on to the next generation.

I found it easier to accept that some times our parents are just not the people we needed them to be. I was angry for a long time but I wrap myself up in my amazing kids and I know I’m a good mother to them and they adore me.

Be everything she isn’t.

My mum is the same with her repugnant drunken husband. Not his children - they are lucky enough to be no contact with him. Not an option for me if I want to see my mum. But she will always, always, put him first and always has. I look at my own daughters and it bemuses me. But some women will always prioritise having a man and keeping that man over anything else.

Just distance yourself as it will never change.

Stop seeing her

Sounds like my mum, although she has no stepkids but she is his and has been from day 1 that she met him. I feel your frustrations, it is heartbreaking.

The worst thing is hes a very broken man and it's a coercive relationship so on top of being mentally absent from me I also have to witness her physically and mentally deteriorate due to the toxic relationship.

I feel for you. Maybe we had to experience this to know what our kids need from us, without compromise.

She simply prefers them.
Build your own self esteem and family away from her.
The love and regard you are hoping for from her will never come imo
It is not your step father’s job to get your mum to parent or care for you. That is her job. Nor is it any of the step family’s fault.
I’m sorry you went through this but go to therapy and either accept it or move on from her

The step kids are the golden children with the golden grandchildren

Well let's hope for her sake that they are golden enough to stick by her when she gets old and frail and needs help because she can't expect it from you after treating you as second best all those years

Is she dependent on him for money?

If she's weak and he's an arsehole it could go some way to explaining why she priorities them.

My parent has done this with every successive spouse. Current spouse, stepdaughter and step grandchildren take up their entire life. Their actual grandchildren don’t get a look in. That suits me just fine though.

@5foot5 well that’s the irony isn’t it- I can’t imagine they will tbh but I feel like it’s no longer my responsibility

Distance yourself for the sake of your children.

It’s painful but there’s nothing you can do about it, so leave her to it and don’t let it eat at you.