AIBU to ask if it’s okay to feel like I’m falling apart?

[byathread20]

I have two DCs, 8yo DD and almost 3yo DS. My DD is reasonably well behaved but my DS is a nightmare.

In the past year, he has smashed two tvs, 3 iPads, broken countless household items and is generally just an absolute horrid child.

I find I dread being with him without partner as he is sooo badly behaved. He hits, punches, screams, kicks etc. Nursery are struggling too. HV just said “he’s still young” and basically told me to suck it up but I feel miserable all the time. I am scared that I can’t cope. Does anyone else relate?

Two year olds can be very challenging! But if the nursery are struggling too then that suggests your DS might have some underlying problem. Maybe he has a sensory problem, or a communication problem, or a cognition problem, which is stressing him out and making him react. These things are not always obvious, sometimes they just show as bad temper in young children.

In the meantime try to pick your battles and avoid conflict. If he tends to smash things then toddler-proof like crazy, put fragile things where he can't get at them, put a high priority on physical safety and try not to worry if he is rude or stroppy. If it has got to the stage where you think he is a horrid child then he probably feels very bad inside because his Mum is angry with him all the time, and that will make his behaviour worse instead of better!

Go back to the HV and ask for more help, even if it's just a parenting group that will be a start. A parenting group may help you get on top of things a bit and repair your relationship. It wont fix an underlying problem but if the parenting group stuff doesn't work and the nursery are struggling then you will have a very strong argument for getting more help for him.

Im reading a book called the explosive child
It’s worth reading in your situation
It says that the premise is some
Kids ( SN and NT) don’t have the skills to handle change , disappointment etc

Worth a try if nothing else to make
You think and approach differently

It’s really horrible to dislike your own child , human and such a horrible feeling

It's not unreasonable to feel like that, no. It's a tough situation. I hope you get some help soon.

Thanks for the replies, sorry I didn’t give much info in the OP, he was jumping on me.
So he has SN - was born with a syndrome so rare, no one can give us any information however he has significant S&L delay which I’m sure doesn’t help his frustration but anything I ask him to do (lay down, get your shoes, give me your plate etc) is just met with “no!” And a foot stamp. I feel useless as I am a HV myself and I know there’s something not right with him. Having some triple P support starting this week but I’ve implemented a lot of the techniques already to no avail. It seems he needs to be occupied 100% of the time but only has an attention span of 2-3 mins so hundreds of activities a day. I’m feeling a bit shit as had a procedure on my spine yesterday and OH is at work today so I’m alone with them both and just feel like I’m telling them off all the time which is making me miserable.

I’ve driven them to a park in hopes that running it off may help a bit.

That sounds really tough!

The endless "no" sounds as if he is demand-avoidant and a S&L delay may come with all kinds of odd issues. My DS could be very articulate about some things but it turned out that when he wanted something he was totally unable to ask for it! You might find that autism-ish techniques esp Pathological Demand Avoidance ones may work when conventional parenting ones don't. Kids vary and you might have to try a lot of different things before you find what works for your DS. A few things that worked well with my DS:

• countdowns and "count to three and consequence" - my DS had a processing delay so just the extra time from a countdown or a count to three gave him enough time to process instructions
• "Johnny, put your coat on please, we're going for a walk" (silently count to 10 so he could process) then "Johnny, coat!" (fewer words)
• "when/then" - when you have your shoes on then we can go for a walk; when you have washed your hands then we can have tea
• routine so he knew what came next, and picture timetables, and advanced warning when he needed to do something
• choice of two things - red T shirt or blue, cheese or ham sandwich, you go in front or I go in front, teeth first or wash face first...

Don't worry about not coping - it's fine to have low standards. Sometimes nothing works. There are times when "everyone fed, no-one dead" really is as good as it gets. My life got better when DS got past 3 years old and understood bribery! But two years old was a tough time. You know your own child but you are having to make it up as you go along and explore things most parents don't need to know about. So no wonder you find it so hard. Driving them to the park is a great idea - one of my friends says children are like dogs - they all need fresh air and walks!

If you look under the Topics list, MumsNet has very good Special Needs boards where you might find other parents dealing with some of these issues.

That’s really useful - thank you so much!