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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it takes two to tango?

26 replies

Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 08:42

I really love a good CF thread, as I'm sure a lot of people on here do. More and more often though I think behind every CF, there's someone who enables them to do it.

People come looking for advice and then as the story unfolds it turns out that they've been taken for a ride but won't stand up for themselves and put an end to the situation. In some cases I almost side with the CF and think that if someone is stupid enough to allow it, then why not?

I know everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, but I'm genuinely shocked how many people just get taken for a mug and rather than just say no, try and think of elaborate plans to get themselves out of a situation.

OP posts:
MouthBreathingRage · 08/03/2020 08:44

This is Mumsnet, the land of martyrs and wet lettuces. Plus I suspect many CF threads are exaggerated for effect.

Vulpine · 08/03/2020 08:45

I agree. I am often amazed at some of the situations that people get themselves into.

Original poster
Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 08:54

I think you're right about them being exaggerated.

OP posts:
Greenandpleasanter · 08/03/2020 08:58

Lots of people have been trained to be people pleasers. It's a very difficult habit to break. I was taught to put others first and that to consider myself first was selfish and vain. It's very ingrained.

I actually find the CF threads really useful. It teaches me how to handle difficult people and situations. No one wants to be a wet lettuce. It's really tedious.

Genuine CFs are really good at spotting people who they can take advantage of. They can manipulate their desire to please and the fact they are easily guilted into completely unequal arrangements.

If these threads get on your nerves, don't read them. But don't think you're special because you've been brought up to be assertive and stand your ground. It's not a special talent you have or an innate quality, it's just something you've been taught to do by having it modelled for you and by being encouraged by others.

Gatehouse77 · 08/03/2020 09:02

At times I'm convinced I live in a parallel universe when I hear some of the CF stuff that goes on.

No one's ever parked on/over our drive.
Neighbours put each other's bins back if they're away.
We take parcels in for the neighbours (a mixture) as they do for us.
I've never been questioned buying alcohol when with my children.
Any lifts, car pool, etc. has been done on a quid pro quo basis discussed up front.
DH and I continuously discuss our roles, who's doing what, how to approach situations, are we happy, are the kids happy, etc. and finding fixes or compromises as they arise. (We're not perfect and we do row but it's usually an accumulation of petty things!)

Original poster
Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 09:02

@Greenandpleasanter you've assumed quite a lot about me there. I already said I enjoy the threads. I was not brought up to put myself first, actually the complete opposite. My whole life has revolved around putting other people first, even down to giving up my dream career. So no I don't "think myself special" because I have learned to stand up for myself when I need to.

OP posts:
Greenandpleasanter · 08/03/2020 09:20

Pinkyyy Well if you have learnt to stand up for yourself at a later stage, maybe you could have a bit more empathy for those who haven't yet.

TheNewPlagueIsComing · 08/03/2020 09:29

Agree with your sentiment.

Also helpful to remember you are only hearing one carefully crafted version of events.

Lockheart · 08/03/2020 09:36

An awful lot of them are outright made up IMO.

Cheesepleas3 · 08/03/2020 09:37

Plus I suspect many CF threads are exaggerated for effect.
I tend to have this opinion on pretty much all MN threads Grin

MouthBreathingRage · 08/03/2020 09:41

@Cheesepleas3, I've found saying it out loud too often gets you put on the MN naughty step Grin.

isabellerossignol · 08/03/2020 09:45

I think some people are manipulated into accepting poor behaviour from others and find it hard to stand up for themselves.

On the flipside, some people absolutely play their role as the martyr, all passive aggressive, don't worry about me, oh never mind, my feelings don't matter, wanting a pat on the back for it. I don't feel a huge amount of sympathy for those people as they are every bit as manipulative as the person taking advantage.

BitOfFun · 08/03/2020 09:45

There are CF threads, and there are SappyMug threads. One engenders an enjoyable sense of group outrage, but the other is just frustrating.

Fimofriend · 08/03/2020 09:51

I haven't had a CF story on here, but I am related with many unreasonable people so I believe the majority of the CF stories to be true.

One of my SILS is a bit of a CF and she and her DH started a friendship with another couple (our friends) primarily because they were the only ones who had a car. They also borrowed very expensive stuff from neighbours they hardly even knew. They didn't want us to babysit for them as we had small children of our own, when we lived close to them and she didn't want to have to return the favour. Then at one of our parties, I could tell she was warming up to get my mum to do child care for them as well. She is my DHs sister! I talked with my mum about it afterward and my mum did feel a bit guilted into offering it "at least occasionally" and not every week as with our kids and my DBs kids. Luckily, I managed to put a stop to it. Told her that DIL, would not be satisfied with "occasionally" and that she would never show any gratitude even if my mum did watch her kids every week. I told her I did not want my DIL to start treating my mum as a servant. Mind you we lived in Denmark where childcare is easily accessible and rather cheap, but DIL wanted someone to schlep the kids around to their activities after the afternoon childcare had ended and to free up her own evenings so she could go out.

Original poster
Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 09:53

I agree with you @BitOfFun an I do love a bit of group outrageGrin

OP posts:
FridaBorgen · 08/03/2020 09:54

I always blame CFs for being CFs but I agree that mumsnet is a field of wet lettuces sometimes. The shit people will put up with rather than stand up for themselves or even just remove themselves from a situation is crazy to me. And before anyone starts I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder which is treated with therapy and drugs so I know it’s not always straightforward. Even so, I still think a lot of posters on AIBU need to learn how to advocate for themselves.

PhilCornwall1 · 08/03/2020 10:06

My brother can be a very accomplished CF if he can get away with it. He's been like it from when we were kids (he's older).

The first time I bit back at him (it was over money and he was well in the wrong), scared the shit out of him and he's never tried it with me since. It's fair to say, since then, over 25 years ago, our relationship hasn't been the same and that's fine by me.

Aweebawbee · 08/03/2020 10:10

I'm amazed at how many posters are happy to accept a one-sided story. In so many cases you could quite easily imagine the situation from the other person's perspective, and with a few minor tweeks, suddenly the story makes more sense. People are rarely aggressive, greedy, cheeky or rude without some kind of provocation, just as people are rarely saintly maryrs.

But everyone jumps on the "whaaat! LTB, bin them, they're not your friend, tell them to..." bandwagon, feeding into the self-righteousness of the OP.

Still, I suppose critical reading skills are not required for light entertainment.

user1493413286 · 08/03/2020 10:12

The one thing I’ve learnt from here is to say something the first time someone does something as often it gets to weeks down the line and harder for people to say anything as the behaviour has been accepted; that goes for things with grandparents too as there’s a lot of grandparents who seem to overstep

Bezalelle · 08/03/2020 10:19

The worst are when kids are involved. I understand a bit of wet lettucery when it's just yourself you're dealing with, but when you let your kids be walked over or bullied, I'm sorry but you're a shitty parent. Stand up for them!

crapette · 08/03/2020 10:35

Oh gosh. How refreshing to know that I am not the only one who thinks that a lot of posters are total wet lettuces.

It doesn't seem acceptable to say this as the OP will immediately counter with a loooooong list of (massively guilt-tripping) reasons why they can't possibly just, y'know, say something.

People-pleaser gets trotted out a lot, but this appears to have absolutely nothing to do with pleasing people, and actually means "doing everything without question"

One has to wonder what lessons children learn from this.

Original poster
Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 10:52

@crapette you're definitely not the only one.

There's a thread at the minute where the OP goes for lunch twice a week with a woman who keeps ordering a starter and then helping herself to the OP and her DC's food. She won't say something and people are actually suggesting that she order more food so she has enough to feed this woman. It's madness.

OP posts:
crapette · 08/03/2020 11:19

Yes, I have commented on that one - it is utterly nuts.

What makes me laugh most are the increasingly convoluted lies excuses that are suggested to avoid actually having to say "please don't do that".

Original poster
Pinkyyy · 08/03/2020 11:52

@crapette that's what amazes me. Who can be bothered coming up with an elaborate lie instead of just asking politely that someone not do something.

OP posts:
crapette · 08/03/2020 12:37

Ironically, you still have to actually say the words of the lie to the other person (or I guess you could WhatsApp it as that seems to be how people communicate these days).

When we go back to the UK, a major treat is a take away from the local Indian restaurant. I look forward to it for months weeks. My MIL can never decide what she wants to have, and every time she says to me "oh, I'll just have a bit of yours".

Every time I say to her "No sorry, you won't, it's my food and I am not sharing". She then orders something for herself and I get to eat the food I have ordered. I waste possibly 5 seconds of my life dealing with it. It's not hard.