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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel betrayed by boyfriend?

24 replies

BinkyandBunty · 08/03/2020 06:05

I'm having a major depressive episode so my perceptions are probably skewiff.

I've been using whatsapp to talk about my feelings with my long term boyfriend, because we are often apart juggling respective kids etc. and I also hate talking about really painful stuff in person. It's a bit fraught, as he's not being as thoughtful and responsive as I'd hoped, but that's another story.

Today (Aus time) he messaged to say he was about to drive from x to y, that's about 40 minutes. But he also asked how I was, and I wrote a fairly long reply about what a shit day I'm having.

A reply came through immediately - from his teenage son. 'Sorry, dad's driving, he'll reply later'.

I'm absolutely mortified that his father passed him the phone to reply and he would have seen at least some of what I wrote, which was deeply personal. I already bloody knew they were driving, there was no need for an immediate reply!

AIBU to feel like he's been an absolutely clueless twat letting a 17yo look at our messages, given my current circumstances, and that it was a complete betrayal of my trust? I honestly don't feel like I can share anything with him anymore, and I'm already struggling for lack of support.

You don't have to agree with me but PLEASE be kind, it really has been a tough day.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 08/03/2020 06:10

It’s really tricky is it possible he was trying to do the right thing thinking that you would think he was ignoring you in hour of need

k1233 · 08/03/2020 06:11

Agree with unexpected. I think he tried to do the right thing by not ignoring your message.

mnthrowaway202020 · 08/03/2020 06:16

How are you is generally used as a greeting so a brief reply is normally expected, your long message was unexpected and he didn’t want to seem like he was ignoring you. I don’t think his son was purposely reading your response, if his dad was driving the son would have been the one responding back to you regardless - he again wasn’t expecting you to send that message so he didn’t purposely break your confidence

Kawahara · 08/03/2020 06:18

I can reply to ehats app and texts off my main screen. Without opening actual WhatsApp. I cant see the other messages.

The notification pops up and I hit reply. A box appears below the notification and I type the reply. Doesnt open or show all the messages.

He may have seen the one you sent then though. However, he may not have read it.

He is 17. He probably doenst give a shit. Just replied.

The problem is that, when driving my phone is out. Notifications can be seen anyway.

If he is general decent, I am sure that this was just wanting to let you know what's happening and he wasnt ignoring you.

I am sure he doesnt let his son read all your messages.

Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 08/03/2020 06:19

I understand where you are coming from, you were aware that you might not hear from him for at least 40 minutes. What if you’d written something sexual

You need to talk to him about it when you next see him.

user1483387154 · 08/03/2020 06:35

you are over reacting.

hokolo · 08/03/2020 06:47

I'm sorry - I can see you are hurting - but I think this is just an unfortunate event. He did let you know he was driving. It's common practice to hand the phone to the passenger when you are driving. I don't think he's done anything wrong really. And neither have you - it's just unfortunate and nobody's fault.

I think it is better that he let you know the kid had seen the message and if he hadn't that might have actually been a betrayal (concealment, anyway).

I hope things get better for you. x

Beautiful3 · 08/03/2020 06:50

I think he did nothing wrong. The 17 year old wouldnt have been interested in your conversations, sorry! I personally wouldn't text about feelings I'd call instead.

Kawahara · 08/03/2020 06:52

I am with my best friends brother. When I say 'I am driving for x long' he knows my phone will be with my passenger, potentially, his sister. And they usually have my phone with the sat navs going.

He knows that means dont text anything you do t want your sister to read.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/03/2020 06:53

I agree that he didn't do anything wrong. The teenager won't have bothered to read any of it and DP wanted you to know he wasn't ignoring you

Pollyhops · 08/03/2020 06:56

Another one who thinks your dp did nothing wrong.

I get depression and I know how things get twisted in my head. I also have a late teenage son who would have no interest in what you wrote.

Hope this passes quickly op.

Wotrewelookinat · 08/03/2020 06:57

As a mum of 3 teens, I’m pretty sure the 17yr old wouldn’t have been at all interested in your message and probably didn’t read it.

Winterlife · 08/03/2020 06:58

I agree the 17 year old likely didn’t read your message. Mine never did and I routinely passed them my phone to text responses when driving. My youngest, now 20, still does this for me and still doesn’t care what people text me.

MountainPeakGeek · 08/03/2020 07:00

In the kindest possible way, yes, YABU. He was probably (wrongly) concerned that you might be distressed if you didn't get an immediate response. His DS won't have read your messages. He'd have just been asked to type that one reply and that's all. The message from you wouldn't have been anything of interest to him. He'd have then been straight back onto his own social media on his device and totally ignoring his dad's phone.

Tinkity · 08/03/2020 07:00

he's not being as thoughtful and responsive as I'd hoped

So maybe he is trying to improve & was being more thoughtful & responsive - like you want - by confirming he got your message, is driving but will reply later?

Have you by any chance pulled him up about messages / the way he responds to you?

Original poster

BinkyandBunty · 08/03/2020 07:08

Thanks for your perspective, it's fairly unanimous that IABU. I'm glad I checked with the vipers before ripping into him about it!

Absolutely everything hurts my feelings at the moment, I cried when another dog stole my dog's tennis ball yesterday...

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2020 07:12

He may have just asked his ds who had sent a text. As it was you, perhaps your dp thought he’d best reply quickly. It’s unlikely your dp asked him to read it out or that he took any interest in it. Boring middle aged women are not interesting to teen boys. Perhaps it was more your text was long so your dp felt it needed answering immediately.

Thundernorain · 08/03/2020 07:13

My friend has depression and anxiety and gets panicky if he doesn't get an almost immediate response. My teen Dd has replied something basic on many occasions to let him know I'm there, not ignoring him just tied up.
She does it because I ask her to, not because she has any interest in our messages.

GrannyBags · 08/03/2020 07:23

In what way is he not being as thoughtful and responsive as you hoped? Have you spoken about it with him?
Look at it this way - he replied quickly (albeit via DS), he kept you informed as to what he was doing, and he didn’t text you while he was driving (I had an ex who did that and it stressed me out so much thinking he was going to have or cause an accident). He probably thought he was doing the right thing

Kawahara · 08/03/2020 07:27

In all honesty OP, what would your reaction have been if there was no response for while?

He gets where he is going gets out the car, does whatever he is there to do etc. Could be longer than 40 mins.

Not expecting you answer here, but just think about it. Is it likely that you would have been upset and felt he wasnt responding if he didnt pull over or reply the minute he got where he was going?

Maybe you need to think about wether he is being thoughtful and responsive, but it doesnt meet your expectations. Or is he genuinely not being responsive and thoughtful.

Often when in a depressive state, we feel people srent doing enough. But it's our expectations that are off.

YeahWhatevver · 08/03/2020 07:37

@BinkyandBunty

Absolutely everything hurts my feelings at the moment, I cried when another dog stole my dog's tennis ball yesterday...

If you don't want your feelings hurt id definitely stay off AIBU!

chatterbugmegastar · 08/03/2020 07:41

Grief! Poor guy. He can't do right, can he?

katkit · 08/03/2020 07:44

YABU. His son was likely sitting right next to your dp, and only had the phone for a second. Probably.

CupoTeap · 08/03/2020 08:09

I've had pretty much the same situation op.

I think we have to try and remember that it because we had opened up so much that the thought of anyone else seeing it is crushing. Like if you thought someone had read your diary.

There's nothing wrong with saying to him next time don't worry about replying till you can.

I'd also like to mention that with texts there is a massive chance of things coming over differently to how it would have in a face to face conversation.

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