To think this is "disablist" bullying?

[YgritteSnow]

Year 8 child, dd, has been approached purposely five times by another year 8 girl and her friends who asks her while nudging and smirking at friends if dd is autistic. Dd is autistic but does not wish to tell anyone discuss it so replies that she is not then leaves area ASAP. Dd is very quiet at school and cannot advocate for herself. Child who is asking knows dd is autistic because a child who was at primary school with dd has told them. There are other issues but they were few and far between but this week appear to have ramped up. Silly things like repeatedly asking dd if she can have her PE bag to keep because she "likes it soooo much!" Also coming to where dd is sitting, taking her packed lunch off her to examine it and "see what you've got". Other little things too. Not much alone but added up feels like harassment and this girl is making a beeline for dd Daily now. Plus dd doesn't like people touching her things and takes things very literally. She thinks this girl actually wants her PE bag.

It all sounds so small but it's frightening dd and she says she is scared when she sees this girl.

I want to write to the school but am worried there's not enough to go on...Thoughts please. Many thanks.

This is bullying contact the school

That so mean. Definitely contact school. Hope it gets sorted quickly.

Talk to the school anyway as it sounds like they could do with some increasing awareness. There could be many possibilities going on between this girl just not knowing how best to navigate conversation, or being a bully.

That is bullying, and yes, I'd be contacting the school and making them aware. Your child needs to be protected and supported, and the other little girl needs to be educated that her behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Yes this is ableist bullying. It needs to be reported to the school.

It’s plain and simple bullying

Hope your dd is ok. Lots of good vibes to her. Hope it’s not impacting her too much and you’re having a lovely weekend

It is bullying, and it’s needs to be nipped in the bus now. Please don’t hesitate in contacting the school. Hope your dd will be okay

Ok, thank you. I'm going to write a list of each incident - there's quite a few, just describing exactly what happened. I was going to anyway but I just wanted to get some thoughts from clever MN people on how best to approach it. Dd is ok and having a nice weekend thank you, I've spoilt her a bit - cinema and then a shopping trip for a few little treats. I knew year 8 might throw up these moments, I know it can be a difficult year. I thought I would watch and wait and dd could handle it while it was occasional but this girl seems to be starting to see dd as her own little piece of lunchtime entertainment so time to step in.

This is bulying it may not be because of her disability, She may just not like your daughter. Do talk to the school. Kids can be very mean. But I think it is best to be Honest about a disability/difficulty. If she dnies it and everyone knows she is Autistic then that will not help her situation. (It,l become/has become another thing to bully her with.)

If she dnies it and everyone knows she is Autistic then that will not help her situation. (It,l become/has become another thing to bully her with.)

Sorry I disagree. Would anyone else with a disability be forced to discuss it with any random who asked? No, they wouldn't. There is no reason for her to discuss her own condition with anyone if she does not wish to. It is up to her who she shares this information with. It's already being used to bully her whether she told them she was autistic or not. It's clear that she is, because her old classmate has told them and it's now being used to harass her.

This is bullying.
Don't let it continue and trust your child.
Secondary schools are very difficult places for pupils. Protect her mental health.

This wont be what you want to hear but consider homeschooling, moving house and school, moving school and private sector. Even kate Middleton was bullied in her first secondary and moved school then thrived.

There's little school can do with insidious girl bullying and ostrisizing. The bullies will smile and play nice with staff then do same again. Its often privileged girls who do this, there's a very strong correlation.

Well as we have said get in contact with school and if you know this particular girls family talk to them.

Hi OP,

So sorry to hear that your DD is being subjected to all of this.

I get asked so often, by complete strangers, why I am in a wheelchair - they just seem to feel entitled to ask me, just because they want to know

I should be used to it by now, as I am a fossil, but it still takes my breath away.

Best wishes to your DD

Yes, I would call it bullying and you should definitely raise it with the school.

Maybe set it out in an email to her form tutor and Head of Year in a similar way to what you have written here. Make clear that you would like to meet with them to discuss the matter and seek a resolution for your DD.

Good luck. Kids can be really horrendous to each other sometimes.

We had a similar story (I’m also the mum of DC with autism) and my advice is to make it VERY clear to her teachers (including headteacher) that you take this bullying very seriously and wish to know exactly how they plan to fulfil their duty to keep your DD safe at school. Ask for regular meetings, updates, etc and don’t be afraid to be That Parent. It’s terrifying how such a young child can already show such cruelty (sounds v similar to our situation) and the bully’s behaviour needs nipping in the bud NOW. to your lovely DD. I completely agree that she shouldn’t have to discuss her condition with anyone if she doesn’t want to, and that this is ableist bullying.

Sorry to hear your DD is getting upset by this. To offer another perspective (& giving the other girl the benefit of the doubt...)

The other girl might know that DD is autistic, but not really have any awareness of what that means. It might be a word she has heard that is quite abstract to her and she is trying to understand what it involves and is hoping DD will say yes so that she can ask questions about it (still not ok if your DD has told her "no" repeatedly, but just wondering if there is a different motivation rather than bullying).

The PE bag comment sounds like a clumsy, if somewhat over the top, compliment rather than bullying. Is there a particular slogan/motif/cartoon/popstar/actor etc on the PE bag that the other girl likes?

Yes it's certainly possible but I don't think so. She has stepped up the asking about autism over the last few weeks and brings her little crew of smirking friends with her when she does it. I think a curious and generally kindly girl would probably pick up on dd not wanting to talk to her about it after the first time of Dd saying no to her. I think there's plenty of ways she could find out about autism that don't involve following dd around asking her, and showing up when she has her lunch to examine the contents of her lunch box. Dd has an older friend in the school and when this girl shows up the girl and her friends stop trying to talk to dd and leave the area. They clearly don't want to be overheard.

@BeNiceToYourSister thank you. I see you get it. It's very difficult because dd is not really capable of standing up for herself and so I can't advise her on what she could say to see them off. All she knows is that she is now feeling frightened when they approach her. I've advised her to go to places where they wouldn't see her eg the library during her lunch break, but I am sad she has to change what she goes and where she likes to go. She cannot travel to school alone so thankfully they've no chance of getting her on the inward or outward journey as I always drop off and pick up right to the gate. She only really has one friend who is older and the girls don't approach dd when this friend is around.

Is there a particular slogan/motif/cartoon/popstar/actor etc on the PE bag that the other girl likes?

No it's a tatty old Smiggle bag, which has seen much better days.

People saying this girl is young, she is Y8, not 8 years old. She will be 13/14, certainly old enough to know her behaviour is bullying.

She is old enough to know her behaviour is bullying, but if she has not been pulled up on it, then she will have learned that she can get away with it. That is not okay.

I don't have any advice other than what pp have suggested, but wanted you to know I'm firmly in your and your dd's camp. Yes it is bullying, and it should not be tolerated. Hope you can get the school to help sort things out quickly.

My dd had similar op, but they were more pointed comments. I let the first slide but the 2nd time I heard of it. I broached it with the school. They came down on the girl like a tonne of bricks so much so, I almost felt sorry for her. It never happened again after that.

Whether your dd wants the fact that she has asd is neither here nor there, it is not for others to define her or make it a thing.

Dd is in Y8. Apparently 'Are you autistic?' is a common question as an insult. Dd is and she hasn't had it directed at her but she's heard it said to other people.
You do need to talk to the school about this girl targeting your dd.