Sexual assault 20 years ago.

[Glasscabinet]

I feel sick writing this. I need some advice and I don’t know where to put to but this on MM - it’s more of WWYD not AIBU.

20 years ago a few family members all went down the pub and Rob & Becky (cousins) ended up doing a bar crawl.

Rob then assulted Becky, my Nan heard and broke it up before it escalated. My Nan blames both of them equally, Rob being a man and ‘what do you expect men to do when it’s served in front of them’ but angry at him as you ‘don’t do that between cousins’. She also blames Becky as she was too drunk, what she was wearing and probably gave him the idea. Rob was thrown out of the house that night and didn’t show up for a while after that.

Until this year I haven’t seen rob for 15 years. He’s got married and had kids in this time - he’s also stopped doing drugs and been sober for five years.

We’ve both been over our nans house helping her sort through her hords/garden/diy/downsize during the weekends/occasional week nights. My partner comes over and has hit it off with him and started going down the pub as they support the same team etc.

To began with I keeping rob at arms length out of respect to Becky but now he’s made friends with my partner and I get on with his wife. I’m also ashamed to say we get on quite well. He’s been invited to my partners stag party but I don’t know what to do with invites to the main event. If I ask Becky I know she’ll say she’s fine with it and they’ve been civil at other family events but Becky is a people pleaser. But it just feels wrong. I feel guilty of somewhat becoming friends with him.

Just ask around- I am sure that a few old schools chums will have one in the family that they can lend you. If you are having to hire a venue then they will know your situation and be keen to chip in I would think.

Whops wrong thread- sorry

You need to look after Becky. She was assaulted by her cousin, and now you are fraternising with her assailant. What a lovely cousin you are...

I’ve been in a similar position as Becky but it was a violent full rape and happened when I was a child. I can with certainty tell you that socialising with this man will hurt her deeply and will make her feel less worth.

You're nana is a scumbag op talk about victim blaming that poor girl.

the message that you are sending to Becky is that she is worthless and it doesn't matter if other people assault and abuse her

How old were Rob and Becky? What was the assault? Has it been spoken about at all now? I guess people can and do change so if it was someone groping and trying to snog someone else when drunk versus trying to pin them down and sexually assault them then I’d be more able to move on from the former than the latter... How does Becky really feel about it all?

I think you need to go by what Becky says - try and have a face to face with her on her own. Perhaps she's forgiven Rob for what happened, perhaps not. If it hurts her, then I would rein in the friendship to being civil at family gatherings and no more.

Has Rob really turned into a decent guy now or does he just recognise that he needs to get people on his side and and present a good front so that his victim won't be believed?
a bit like Harvey Weinstein with his walker, he knows that if he stands upright at his full height he will look like a perpetrator but if he stoops over like a little old man we will see him as a victim ...so he hoped

How is Becky's life now? Has this affected her greatly? Did he assault her or did they both get frisky? Was she unconscious or fighting him off if your Nan heard the noise.
If she was fighting or unconscious No I would never speak to this Rob. Is your DP aware of Becky's assault. My DP would not bond with this man, sober and changed or not.
This would really destroy her.

He sexually assaulted his own cousin and you want to invite him to the wedding and make Becky sit with her attacker

At the very least I think you need to not invite him to the wedding

Rob knew that he shouldn't show his face for a while after the incident, Rob knew it was a serious incident and his best hope for getting away with it and saving his reputation was to make himself scarce

I think the right quest to ask is have this man ever apologised to Becky and what was the outcome? If he never even tried to apologise that’s your answer.

It’s such a hard one.

If I don’t invite him there will confrontations and others will ask questions.

I’m thinking of having a word with rob and asking to make himself scarce again for the wedding. He doesn’t know that I know.

I can’t ask Becky out right as I know full well she’d say of course even if she didn’t mean it - she’s such a people pleaser.

We spoke about it again a couple of years ago when he turned up to a family funeral. She said she was chatting to him normally (because I’m that moment she had forgot) and his wife gave her a funny look. She said the look she got was like ‘wtf you accuse my husband and yet you’re chatting to him normally’.

Now I think about it he was at her wedding 17 years ago and that was probably the last time I saw him until the family funeral two years ago. I’ve never asked Becky why he was invited probably because she didn’t want people asking questions.

But as PP pointed out he’s never apologised to her. It was completely swept under the carpet. My grandparents barred him for a few things not just that - generally been drunk/drug taking/causing trouble.

He pushed her against a cabinet and tried to kiss her. She put up a struggle hence why nan heard and came down and caught him so he must of tried again. I said to my partner if he had pulled a knife on her he would have been ostracised and this is still an attack. He gets it now but I don’t think he really got it before.

He’s already been invited on the stag.

I really never wanted to see him ever again once I heard (quite a few years ago). But with sorting out the house I’ve seen him at least once a week.

Uninvite him. If your Nanny didn't stop him he would have continued his violent attack.
I don't believe for a second in the moment she forgot about the event the last time she saw him at a funeral.
She's a people pleaser who people walk on.
He is virtually a stranger to you. What are you and DP thinking FFS?

@Glasscabinet To add so what if people ask questions. You'll regret allowing an attacker into your life.