AIBU to feel hurt.

[thatmummy]

Ok I have to get this off my chest.
I want to put it on here as I would like a non biased opinion.
My grandad is 85, completely sound mind, he lives in a maisonette and has upstairs neighbours a couple, baby and little girl. They often knock at his door on the way up to their house to say hi, they seem nice enough, the little girl is cuddly and sweet, often wants to knock at his door to tell him about her day at school etc.
Now my grandad is often charmed by people, for example; shop assistants, receptionists, charity collectors etc. If you are nice to him you are the greatest person in the world. All that is fine, I have no problem with him being nice to strangers, strangers being kind to him.
My problem is this, why am I not being treated the same?
Here are some examples-
My mums funeral (his daughter), I paid around £10,000 for her funeral, wake etc I went shopping with him to get the food etc. Not once did her offer anything towards it, but at the wake he put a couple of hundred pound behind the bar and made sure people knew of it.

At my wedding, (he sat at the top table with me, my husband and our two sons) he didn’t even get me a card but the night before at the hotel he bought a round of drinks for any of my guests that were staying that night, made a point of saying “oh I’ll get these”.

So onto the most recent thing, we went to visit him on Sunday and brought lunch for us all with us. As I walked onto his shared hallway I saw a pack of chocolates on the table but the upstairs neighbours use that area for pushchair, scooter, mail etc so I just thought it was their childs sweets. As we were sitting there a knock at his door and it’s the little girl and her dad “thank you mr BLANK” she says. So now I’m thinking, he must leave her sweets there often for her to know they were for her. But what I am actually upset about is my boys aged 10 and 2 were there, he knew we were coming before he went shopping but nothing for them. I feel hurt, it’s not about the cash, or gifts, it’s the thought.

Now there was a reason I explained how sweet and cuddly the little girl is, it’s because my boys are just not like that with him, or anyone really apart from me and my husband, so is he now favouring her because of her little charm.

Worth mentioning that it happened last Easter, he bought her a chocolate Thornton’s bunny, but nothing for my boys.

Sorry I know this was a long read, I just had to get it out. Opinions please, and thank you in advance.

It's often those who do the most who are overlooked. You're being taken for granted. I get this too. I house my father, pay all his household expenses yet he never acknowledges my birthday, not even a phone call, no Christmas presents, no acknowledgement of my wedding anniversary or backs me up in any way. My two sisters are treated on their birthdays, Christmas etc and in any family disagreement, I will be blamed. Yet without me, he'd have to go pay for a home himself elsewhere, because I know my other sisters wouldn't do what I do. Probably like me you are loathe to raise it as it will cause unpleasantness, but there does come a point where it needs to be done . I'm getting there.

Thank you for your reply, I really needed to get it out there.
Oh yes that’s another thing, no gifts or cards for our birthdays, Christmas or anniversary.
I always buy him thoughtful things and have him over at Christmas.
We are his only family member left and I do lots for him, arrange hospital and doctors appointments, and take him to them, shopping when he was unwell etc
I don’t want it to sound like he is a nasty person but I’m starting to feel like he is.

I’m so so sorry you are going through something so similar, it really does hurt doesn’t it 🙁

I know you said you avoid bringing it up, but I recently brought up with him the way he was talking to me, it was after he came out of hospital for kidney stones and I had cleaned his very neglected home throughout, made sure his cats were fed and visited him each day at the hospital.
He moaned and groaned about a number of things, I’d used all of his loo cleaner, I had moved a roll of “strong plastic bags” that he had bought around 10 years ago and never used but suddenly wanted now.
I didn’t so much bring it up but actually just emotionally blurted out “I don’t know if you mean to be so horrible to me grandad” I went outside to breath, well stop myself from crying.
When I came back in he was nicer to me, didn’t apologise but almost did.

He is a very stubborn man and likes to be right so I honestly thought he would just dismiss me and not speak to me again so it was a real surprise how he acted after.

You can’t go on being taken for granted so maybe try and approach the subject, not the way I did though lol

OP I hate to say it, but my dad is like this. The thing with the putting the money behind the bar and making a big show of it but actually giving no present rings so true.

His relationship with that little girl is purely transactional. She makes him feel good about himself, he rewards her (as she's little and easy to please) with chocolate, and the cycle repeats itself.

I've often had quite frank (semi lighthearted) discussions with my dad (who I didn't know for most of my childhood), and I've joked he has sociopathic tendencies. He's quite open that he'll only do something if it benefits him or his ego in some way. I'm not close to him so found the conversation quite fascinating, he likes to build up 'favours' by doing a small thing for you, and having people 'owe' him. People will say he's lovely and charming and whatever, but behind closed doors he'll quite happily admit to me he 'doesn't like people'.

It's a hard one, like I say I'm quite detached and accepting of the whole thing, but I don't have much to do with him now. It must be so hurtful for you, but he's not going to change so the best you can do is to manage your expectations of his behaviour and protect yourself and your children where necessary

I can’t quite believe it, you have put it into words better than I could have and you don’t even know him. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it, but what you have said makes so much sense. When we first moved into our house he lent us a few hundred pounds (all fully paid off years ago), when I received an inheritance when my mum died it was like it put his nose out of joint, he acted oddly but I was too deep in my grief that I didn’t think much more of it.
He liked the feeling of power with me being in his debt didn’t he?
Also you have explained the little girl situation so well!
Yes everyone does see him as this lovely, charming man!

I don’t think he will change, I don’t want to go too much into it with him as if he cuts me off I will worry about him. I FaceTime him every couple of days and visit when I can so I couldn’t bear not knowing how he is.
As with previous poster, I am sorry you have a strained relationship with your dad 🙁 I had no clue there were others going through the same thing, I am so glad I posted here, not to sound too soppy but it’s made me feel like I’m actually not alone feeling this way. Thank you ☺️

Forgot to say, even though my 2 year old had no idea what happened, and my 10 year old didn’t seem too disheartened, my heart broke a little for them.
I think I may distance myself slightly where possible, although terribly sad as I want to think of him as my lovely old grandad, I just don’t think it’s good for myself or my children.

Yes, it's a power thing. As your grandad is elderly he may be feeling that power slipping away so has to find it in other ways e.g. with the little girl Vs your kids.

When I got back in touch with my dad in adulthood, I was living with my DM. He made a point of sending flowers and chocolates to me for my birthday, to her house, because he knew it would get under her skin. The following year I'd moved out and didn't even get a phonecall despite speaking most days

If they can see they've hurt you, that's when they win. I don't know if I'm wrong suggesting this, as like I said I was never close with mine, but if when you do things to help him, like when you fed his cats etc, do it with just a hint of pity in your face and voice. Not enough that it takes his power from him (he may cut you off), but that you're drawing a line in the sand beyond which he can't hurt you. In his mind, he's doing you a favour by letting you do him favours! This is where the power imbalance lies and why you had to go outside and try not to cry.

I hope you can wrap your head around this enough so that in time it doesn't hurt you so much you can always PM me if needed.

I really feel for you. Could it be because the neighbours aren’t expected to be nice to him. He could be sort of old fashioned and have the view (subconsciously) that you’re family and are supposed to be there. The neighbours aren’t but still look in on him. My kids get nothing from my parents, yet some of the other grandchildren do. I just don’t understand it. I hope I don’t get like that!

I used to describe my dad as a Street Angel, House Devil. He'd do anything for anyone, all the neighbours etc. loved him. He loved playing the "big fella". It was all an act though, he was mean with both his money and his affection at home.

Sorry I've no real advice for you OP. Just my sympathy! Maybe try to distance yourself a bit, don't be too available. Your boys will soon start to notice the imbalance in how they are treated.

@thatmummy I definitely do need to sort it out, not least because it's only getting worse. He has recently come out of hospital after a serious illness and needs full time care. Currently he has 4 care visits per day but no night time care. My younger sister told me to come home ( I don't live in same country any more) to look after him. So, I provide house, pay bills and now they want me to leave husband and go look after him. They, as well as him, are very selfish. ( One sister married, no children, other sister single). Apart from anything else I can't care for him as I'm recovering from shoulder surgery and once again that has not been acknowledged, sympathised with or at all considered. I don't think it's a power trip in his case as he has no power over me but I do think it harks back to my mother. I am the only one of my sisters who take after my mother in looks and manner. He always dominated my mother, she was just the ' little housewife' and he did nothing at home, even though she had a long term chronic illness. He actually treated her not very nicely upon reflection now I'm an adult. I also have the same illness so the similarity in treatment kind of makes sense now. Put upon, taken for granted, not supported, always to blame. I am currently refusing to go home even to visit but feel very upset. I'd like to see my father as he has been very ill but if I go home it will just be arguments if I'm not staying for a period of time. The ensuing grief isn't worth it.

You do come across a bit pissed off /envious you didn’t get any money or help but if he thought you had it under control maybe he didn’t think to offer to help. I understand the underlying issue (my dad is a bit of a bastard to his kids but nice guy elsewhere) but there comes a point when you have to accept that’s just how parents (or grandparents) are and you decide whether you want that person in your life faults and all or not.

Buying everyone drinks at weddings is a very paternal thing to do. It’s old fashioned but it was what was done back in the day, he may be following tradition. That was his gift to you. If you already had all the household things then he may not have seen the need to buy you more pots or towels... old fashioned view. As for not getting a card, some people don’t do that or their wives did that for them so don’t think to once they’re widowed.

As for your children that could be any kind of dynamic, from not seeing regularly to genuinely not caring. It seems unfair on children but if they didn’t care about it why should you? He has a better relationship with the child he sees daily. Maybe he wanted a granddaughter? Maybe he’s just trying to be nice to his neighbour.

Does that make his behaviour fair? No but it is what it is and in his 80s he’s unlikely to change being bitter about it (and sorry, a little entitled sounding) helps no one.

There comes a point you have to accept he won’t be the person you want him to be. That’s a horrible realisation but life gets less upsetting once you’re ok with that. He won’t be around forever so getting to that level of acceptance quicker could help your relationship, whatever that may be moving forward