To think ill never find someone

[purplepolo]

Im 24, recently single with 2 kids (3 year old and 3 month old) and just feel like im never going to be with someone or no one is going to genuinly care about me! The evenings are soo bloody lonely and tbh i think im just feeling really sorry for myself.

Its been 1 month since I split with my girls dad, hes a massive narcissist, he lied, cheated, did drugs behind my back, and literally straight after we split he moved in with the girl next door and is cracking on with her, playing happy families with her and her kids!

When he comes and sees my children, he'll comment on how disgusting i Iook as ive lost loads of weight (i dont think ive lost that much) , that ive lost my bum, that i just look gross now. He says ill never find anyone. When hes here he asks if anyones messaging me or if im meeting men, and that if i am he'll go 'punch mine and their heads in'. Im not speaking to anyone and no one has spoken to me.

I just feel like hes got this hold over me, and that he is free to do whatever and get with whoever and i cant as i have young children so barely have free time, and i wont be attractive to anyone.

Just feeling down in the dumps really :( i know its still really early days and theres no rush for me to be with anyone and im doing really well on my own, but i just have this thought that i will never find anyone who is just kind and caring and just a nice person.

He's abusive and does drugs, why are you listening to him? I'd be looking to move and asking for supervised visits to be honest

Focus on being happy with yourself. When you're lonely and depressed and think you look like a sack of potatoes you'll always have that voice at the back of your head wondering if you're with this man because he's the right one, or with him because it's better than being alone.

He's living next door to you with his new girlfriend? That's not a good situation to be in. Can you move? He doesn't sound very nice at all.

Of course you'll meet someone else, but don't be in a rush because you're lonely. You've recently had a baby and your partner has just left you for someone else, those are major life events that would floor anyone.

Have you got friends/family who can support you?

You have a 3 month old and you have seen single for a month. Why are you even thinking about meeting someone else

Your ex is clearly a twat too, ignore him. He’s talking shit

I fully expected you to say ‘I’m 57 and never had a relationship’
You have been single a month ....

Ill add,

Didnt mean to have a vote haha

And i dont want to find someone right now, like i said im happy on my own and doing well. I just mean ever, i feel like hes just drilled into my head no one will ever want me as ive got my children and im not attractive

There are many nice men out there. Question is, can you spot them? Because the more vulnerable you are, the more you're likely to attract another wrong 'un, they prey on needy women w low self esteem and children (children make it oh so hard to leave).

This is probably not advice you want but before you start thinking about dating maybe think about where you went wrong the first time. I'm sure he could be very convincing and lovely at times but, in retrospect, can you spot any red flags that you missed at the time? How could you protect yourself and your children from another such creep in men's clothing? Because they'll flock round, promising to rescue you, make no mistake.

Get your life sorted, your finances sorted, form good friendships, be strong and confident. That's attractive to the nice guys.

If my 16 yr old were telling me this I'd tell her to get a grip. You're 24 with two kids and tonne of things to sort out. Why on earth would you want to bring someone else into your life just now? Take a breath, take another, take some more for about six months, review your life, take another six months and then think about dating again. I've been single 7 yrs and there is absolutely nothing about that that worries me. When it's time I'll find someone. Just chill and focus on raising your babies.

You need to find yourself first. You have so much time ahead of you to heal and recover.

That doesn't take away from the fact that life is hard NOW.
You're lonely. But loneliness will make you vulnerable to more dickheads and more abuse.

There is a lot online about this. Go to you tube and watch clips by Meredith Miller (Inner integration), Ross Rosenberg The human Magnet syndrome.

I agree with the advice to focus on raising your kids for the next few years.

You will enjoy it a lot more if you just set aside ''romance'' for the next few years.

If you feel you're being judged, reject that shame. I felt judged, but fuck those who judged me, I had 100% of the responsibility for raising my children.

Work on needing somebody less. It's the needing somebody that puts you at risk.

@Porcupineinwaiting is so right.

I left an abusive man in 2007 and I knew that the sort of man who'd want a single mum of two young kids, no job, no home, no car, no qualifications, was not the kind of man I'd want.

From now on, every small decision you make should be one that serves you well. Your equilibrium is precious especially when you have young DC. McRelationships with men who'd capitalise on your loneliness would be really bad for you.

Feather your own nest and value stability. Don't jeopardise what you have now. You've split up from an abusive x. That's progress. Take time to heal and find out who you are and what you want out of life.

He is still controlling you and you need to cut that off. He is NOT worth it. He’s also a drug-taker and sounds like an appalling person to have around you and your poor children.

Tell him to fuck off, don’t listen to him, don’t let him get in your head anymore and in time your sense of self worth will return.

I know all that is easier said by a stranger on a forum than done, but it’s true. Take your own life into your own hands and don’t let this awful inadequate man get inside your head anymore.

One of the best things you can do for future you is live a life where you become confident and comfortable to be alone.

Being able to be your own company will help you learn about yourself and stop you from making mistakes for want of "somebody, anybody".

(Get shot of that scummy, pathetic ex too. What a loser twerp he is. Pity the poor neighbour taking that sorry excuse on!!)

Listen to these posters. You are a month out of an abusive relationship with an abusive nobhead who is trying to control you with threats and abuse and who has almost literally shat on his own doorstep.

This mans opinion is worth nothing. What matters is your self esteem, yours and your kids’ futures. Focus on building stability for your children and self reliance for yourself. You should not think about looking for another relationship until you have done that.

For the record a month is nothing. You are 24 and have your entire life ahead of you. You can build a happy and stable life for your children and then later find a bloke who will complement your life. Giving another moment to think about this dickwad is a moment too much

By the way if he comes around and threatens you you should report him to the police.

FWIW, I think you're doing brilliantly. Having little ones is so isolating at times. That's a normal way to feel. And you've kicked him to the kerb, well done you. I would report this to the police though:

When hes here he asks if anyones messaging me or if im meeting men, and that if i am he'll go 'punch mine and their heads in'.

It's threatening behaviour and may well form part of a pattern. In the wake of recent murders of women (and their new partners) by their ex partners, it is important to take all such threats seriously. You do not have to let him into your home. I'd report, move and let him go through the courts for contact.

Does he let you know when he's coming over to see the kids? Or just drop in?

If I was you, I would totally ignore his comments and focus on your children. Don't answer his questions about you being in a relationship. Just pay him no mind.

Is he aggressive? Because I would be considering supervised access due to his threats. You need to try and speak to a Domestic Abuse worker and tell them your story.

They can give you good advice. If you want to explore this, PM me and I can signpost you depending on your local area.

Remember... Domestic abuse can still apply when you're no longer in a relationship.

You are doing really well!! In a few months time you will feel even stronger. Hang in there xx

@sandyY2k is right.

before I left my x, there was a facade (sorry can't do cedillas) that we were on the same team, a facade that he was a real partner. After I left it was all gloves off and he would have taken me down if he could have.

Are you safe @purplepolo