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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my mum being insensitive?

9 replies

Datageek38 · 05/03/2020 19:55

My parents divorced when I was a teenager. Both got remarried and after a pretty rocky few year I managed to form good relationships with both.

I am now 38yo and my dad died very suddenly in January. In 24 hours my life was broken. I am managing to cope with life but still very fragile. Family occasions are one of the areas I am dreading as the memories are all going to be raw and I will be thinking of the empty space where my dad should be.

Ever since we had dd who will be 11yo we have spent Xmas with my mum/step dad and in laws alongside visiting my dad and step mum. Although it meant travelling around spending time with everyone was very important to me.

Today my mum has announced that she’s going on a cruise this Xmas as she doesn’t want to go in the summer because of the virus. I feel so angry that she’s doing this - it’s going to be so difficult and I feel like she’s abandoning me. I don’t even think she’s considered how I may feel about this.

I know I am very sensitive to everything so aware I may be over-reacting.

OP posts:
TeeniefaeTroon · 05/03/2020 19:57

I don't think you're overreacting, I'd feel the same. Have you spoken to her? Perhaps you could go on holiday too this first year?

finn1020 · 05/03/2020 19:58

It is sad but you’re 38, not 13 and she has a life too. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Winterwoollies · 05/03/2020 19:59

She is perfectly entitled to go away at Christmas, especially if she usually has to host everyone.

I’m so sorry about your dad but you’re mum having a break doesn’t mean she’s abandoning you...

Datageek38 · 05/03/2020 20:18

Maybe we should go on holiday (I would definitely like to go away) however I feel like I’d upset my husband then as we always host and his parents rely on us to host Christmas. I don’t want to ruin Christmas for everyone. Appreciate it’s a long time in the future.

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/03/2020 20:21

You are putting too much pressure on Christmas to be some perfect occasion. It may be your idea of perfect but it may not be your mums.
I’d love it if my mum went on a cruise at any time of year - she doesn’t go anywhere and I want her to enjoy life a bit more.

Sorry but I think you’re being selfish.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/03/2020 20:29

Sorry about your Dad Flowers

It’s still too soon for you to think or feel rational about this, your grief for your Dad is very new and it’s natural for you to feel angry about something that you wouldn’t otherwise be angry about because being angry at your Mum is more manageable than being angry at your Dads death.

Your mum isn’t doing anything wrong, you are an adult with a family of your own, and your Mum, and especially her partner, can’t be expected to give up on the Christmas they want because her ex has passed away. Allow yourself to feel however you feel, but try not to let it cause any problems, as you will probably feel completely differently nearer the time.

B0bbin · 05/03/2020 22:15
Flowers
ChicCroissant · 05/03/2020 22:21

Sorry for your loss, OP.

So you host Christmas for your in-laws and then travel to your mother normally? It's going to be a different Christmas for you no matter what anyone else does, so if you want to do something different too that's fine. Also, don't feel you have to decide right now what you'll do in December, you may want to see how you feel nearer the time.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 05/03/2020 22:23

This is why I have a problem with Christmas, please dont put so much weight on it

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