Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Toilet Issue

18 replies

PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 16:09

DS is 4 next week. He's only recently been in pants (suspected ASD), and still frequently has accidents. Today while we were out, he needed the toilet. I buzzed several times for someone to open the disabled, but nobody came. He refuses to come into the ladies now, as he 's not a girl. I let him use the men's while I waited outside. It was either him wet outside the toilets, or him wet inside the ladies while DD (18 months) was unsupervised outside. Not ideal, but felt like the lesser of two evils. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 05/03/2020 16:11

If he was happy and capable of using the men’s on his own then that’s fine.

Topseyt · 05/03/2020 16:42

It is fine if you know he is capable, though 4 is still a bit young. Can you be sure that he has done things like washing his hands thoroughly afterwards or does he still need reminding on things like that?

Were you in a shop or department store? Or a shopping centre? I would have gone to have words with staff afterwards to ask why nobody responded to the bell asking for the disabled toilets to be opened. It would have been perfectly possible for them to fail to respond to someone who really couldn't have waited.

Why are the disabled toilets locked? Do they need a radar key?

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 16:43

Thanks, didn't feel like the big issue it's been blown up into. Poll is at 50:50 so perhaps it was more of a problem than I thought!

OP posts:
cologne4711 · 05/03/2020 16:45

He refuses to come into the ladies now, as he 's not a girl

Just tell him he can. and has to, until he's 8. I wouldn't be sending a 4 year old into the gents on his own.

And whoever should have been opening the door of the disabled was very wrong. I bet they saw you on a camera and you looked able-bodied so they didn't open it.

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 16:46

In a shopping centre, I wouldn't even know where to go to find somebody to speak to, I don't know where they come from on the occasions where they do come to unlock. Disabled and baby change are both take locked, there's a buzzer outside each to call assistance.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 16:47

Oh an d handwashing, flushing etc he does by himself

OP posts:
Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 16:48

Cologne 4711 he would just have wet himself in the ladies, he wouldn't have used the toilet even if I had taken him in there

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 05/03/2020 16:51

I let DD use the toilet on her own. She’s been doing it since she was 4. She loves being independent

I just wait outside for her

Yummymummy2020 · 05/03/2020 16:57

I wouldn’t purely because there are some shady characters out there, and Four is a bit young in my opinion to go into public toilets alone. This is only from a personal experience of my husband, he went into the men’s toilets in a department store Recently and a man was masturbating at the urinal. Not great for a grown man to walk into but i def would be worried about kids. Obviously he got reported but sure again the security went up he had left! That’s enough for me to not send my kids in alone till they are older!

dottiedodah · 05/03/2020 17:06

I would not be doing this Im afraid! As pp says above no idea what sort of people are about, and its not very nice for him to see men in the toilet with everything hanging down! Say to him that he needs to stay with you and you are in the ladies ! I would speak to security re the disabled loo incident!

Topseyt · 05/03/2020 17:06

There are usually information desks in many large shopping centres, although you may not have noticed them if you don't regularly need them. Customer service counters in many of the larger department stores should also be able to tell you how you can find or contact shopping centre staff, as could probably any security officers.

Googling the shopping centre name might also bring up its website and a "contact us" option.

I would be doing all that I could to ask why they didn't respond. They should have. I would ask them why it is thought appropriate that the disabled toilet and baby changer are locked so that people needing them cannot access them. Ask them if they make a habit of ignoring vulnerable people this way. They need challenged on that. It surely cannot be right?

Perhaps you need a radar key for them? You have a young child who might have ASD, so possibly you could get one.

dementedpixie · 05/03/2020 17:11

No, you dont send a 3year old into the mens toilets in a shopping centre by themself

dementedpixie · 05/03/2020 17:14

There are several cases of people getting sexually assaulted in public toilets so I wouldn't send a child of that age in on their own

NoKnit · 05/03/2020 18:00

4 is very young to do this.

You are the adult, tell him he comes with you in the ladies. If he refuses and has an accident he has to go in there anyway to get changed.
I think some people are a bit extreme not letting 8 year olds go on their own and I let my 6.5 year old in the men's on his own if he wants to. But he can manage on his own. A just turned 4 year old is too young

Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 21:07

No customer services, and certainly no department stores. There's the help point, which is the buzzer I was pressing. CCTV would have made no difference as the baby change is next door and also locked. It's not locked with a radar key, so having one still wouldn't have given me access to the disabled.

I should probably have said, that the toilets consist of one cubicle, a sink and a hand dryer,all of which are visible when the door opens. We're not talking a massive bank of toilets with places to hide and loads of people coming in and out. There was one other person using the male toilets, and two the ladies the entire time I was stood there.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeapodBurgundy · 05/03/2020 21:13

NoKnit, it has nothing to do with me not wanting to adult. He won't go in the ladies, it ends in a full melt down and physical man handling, then the subsequent issues of managing to get him to nursery when he will then sit with his hood up while his emotions come back down to a reasonable level. The entire time that is going on, DD is either outside alone, or running loose in the ladies at risk of being injured by DS. Neither are all that practical.

OP posts:
NoKnit · 06/03/2020 17:55

Well if you've got all those long winded reasons why are you asking if you are unreasonable then?

You can't send a 4 year old who still has accidents to the toilet by himself.

If this is as much of an issue as you say it is then fair enough just avoid going to that place and stick to parks/open areas where he can just go behind a tree. Or places with children's toilets where you can go in if needed. But not in a male toilet, totally not fair on other men using the facilities

JustOneMoreStep · 06/03/2020 21:43

YABU but there was little point asking since you have already made up your mind that YANBU. It is all about being the adult and telling you not yet 4 year old what will and will not be happening. He (should) not dictate to you what happens, they are not 'boys and girls' toilets, they are mens and womens, he is not a man, he is a small child so he goes with the adult that keeps him safe, in this case them womens toilet - it has nothing to do with his sex.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page