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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM and sick does your husband do more?

35 replies

NoKnit · 05/03/2020 14:24

Argghhh full of a really bad cold, got a temperature and no real energy so admit might be feeling a bit sorry for myself and reacting irrationally.

But was wondering if working husbands of other SAHMs step up a bit more when you are sick and if you expect anything.

I've had yet another undisturbed nights sleep due to 3 year waking and coming in. Husband uses this as reason to slope off to the spare room where he then proceeds to sleep late in the mornings meaning he gets to work later than he'd like so obviously has to work later than he'd like.

He didn't offer to help this morning with lunch boxes, getting kids (3 and 6) moving to get dressed for school etc. I asked him to hold the fort whilst I had a shower (I admit I didn't tell him exactly what to do but assumed he knew that meant make sure they finish breakfast, hurry them up to clean teeth etc) well all he did was sit on sofa playing on his phone whilst they played the 'game' of pulling all the soft toys out onto the floor. Then proceeded to ask if he could go and I said yes if he must but I'm feeling rotten and he left. Fair enough he has to go to work I don't mind that so much.

The thing that bugs me is that he is probably going to have forgotten I wasn't feeling well, certainly won't give me a quick text or call to see how I'm feeling, offer to nip out and do the school run (he could do this if meetings allow) and I know full well he'll have a bit of time to check his phone, read news, play game during the working day. So surely he could just ask how I am.

He'll probably also have a bit of the hump when I haven't cooked dinner (will probably shove in a few fish fingers for kids earlier) and then sulk even more when he sees there is no bread for him to make himself something (I can't be bothered to muster up energy to go to the shop).

Argh I know as a SAHM I should suck it up but surely he could ring me on his way home (a train commute) ask if there is a plan for dinner and offer to pop into the shop which is right on his way home to get anything we might need. Not expecting too much of him am I? I mean normal people go to work and shop/cook/look after their kids as well. All I ever hear from him is that he goes to work and works hard.

OK feel better for a rant now, time to go up the school 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
NoKnit · 05/03/2020 14:28

Sorry I had no idea I'd enabled voting

OP posts:
Throughthegate · 05/03/2020 14:29

I've been off work ill and dh will do more re a pick up or making dinner (which he does about half of anyway, he just does my share too) but zero extra in terms of sorting laundry checking school uniforms and notes etc.
Everything just backs up till I'm on my feet again.
I guess the difference is if you were at work OP would you take a sick day - if so then you cannot be expected to carry out all the stuff you normally do at home on that day!

shas19 · 05/03/2020 14:34

I've just come out of hospital with meningitis and my partner has done absolutely everything! I genuinly couldn't even lift my head off the pillow last week so he didnt really have a choice but even now I'm slowly getting better hes still doing alot! If you're ill and work then you would take a day off so why not ask for extra help at home!

ParkheadParadise · 05/03/2020 14:34

Yes, DH steps up if I'm not well.
When dd2 was born, DH did 90% of the care for her as I unwell for months.
If i forget any shopping i will text him to bring it home with him.

mbosnz · 05/03/2020 14:37

You poor thing!

I'm afraid some people (I'm not going to say men, because there's some stunningly self absorbed women out there) do have a tendency to have their head up their arse and not think about others.

It would be nice if he rang, but if he doesn't, what about you be pro-active, and text or ring him, tell him he needs to get bread and an easy ready meal for your dinner, if finances afford?

I hope you feel better soon, it's miserable being sick and even more miserable in this weather!

abstractprojection · 05/03/2020 14:41

I think sometimes you just have to be really clear

'Hey DH I am very sick, so sick that I am going to need your help with x, y and z until I am better, and I am going to need a bit more sleep and some looking after myself to get better.'

Didntwanttochangemyname · 05/03/2020 14:42

My DH has taken a week off work because I have broken my leg. He will have to go back to work, but he's taken on loads more than usual.

BlodwynBludd · 05/03/2020 14:43

I'm ill and in bed but still looking after the baby. I've text dh a shopping list and list of things to do when he finishes work.

cubesofjelly · 05/03/2020 14:44

If it helps, other way around here - I work full time outside of the home, DH is SAHP. I definitely do more when he’s ill, it’s the caring thing to do! I can take a day off work when I’m really ill, he can’t exactly do that in the same way. So I’ll do drop off or work from home if I can to do both runs, I take care of things like dishes, cooking, or if I’m really hectic I’ll pick up easy food or take out. I usually message DH during the day at some point anyway so would certainly ask how he is.

Part of me does wonder sometimes if being a woman/mother is why I readily do this (not saying men/fathers are not caring, my DH is brilliant, but I mean in terms of societal conditioning or expectations). But anyway I do this, it’s part of being a partnership, and my employer knows I have caring commitments and is flexible (also, probably easier to have that understanding sometimes as a woman/mother due to the same societal expectations).

Connie222 · 05/03/2020 14:46

Yes, he’s fab. Had pnumonia in December and he did everything, even re jigged his days to do school drop offs.

I’m now pregnant and I’ve got HG. He’s been a total star for 6 weeks now doing everything for everyone as well as working full time. I really appreciate him.

QueenArseClangers · 05/03/2020 14:48

He’s a lazy and unkind fucker.

I’ve been off after an op and DH has done everything. Mind you, he comes home from work and carries on with housework and kids because he’s a fully functioning adult and we’re a team.

You need a come to Jesus talk.

Connie222 · 05/03/2020 14:49

Although it is slightly easier as he works from home 3 days a week, so he’s here for lunch times and no commute. He works away two days one night but has been cooking in advance and leaving everyone lunches and dinners in the fridge for while he’s away so I don’t have to prepare food.

Connie222 · 05/03/2020 14:50

Posted too soon - I hope you feel better soon OP. He absolutely should be supporting you and picking up the slack when you are ill.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 14:51

I don't think you realise that it's not that easy to guess the routine when you are not the one usually in charge of it. If it's a 50/50 arrangement because timing works, then it's fine. When you haven't seen the kids on their way to school for weeks or months (I have been there and I am the mum) ,it's not obvious.

So yes, you should be clear.

He also should offer to help, but if you only have a cold, it's not really that obvious you do need help.

People need to speak to each other! It would save so much grief.... He shouldn't be pissed off that diner is not ready, that's ridiculous, but you could just text him asking to buy a couple of ready meals on the way...

Honestly, communicate.

DustyMaiden · 05/03/2020 14:51

Mine does provided I’ve had a limb removed.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2020 14:52

I was a sahm until last week. My DH would do a bit more but he had to know I normally had to tell him I was really sick and ask if he could do x, y, z. He wouldn’t just see me snivelling in the morning and suggest he did the school run and dinner. In the evenings he would notice more and be more likely to suggest I sit down and he did the whole evening routine (normally split). Equally I don’t notice as much in the mornings and wouldn’t spot if he was suffering to think what to help him with as easily as I would in the evenings. Clear communication is important.

Him not realising the kids needed active parenting to get them ready for school while you had a shower is pretty shit, though. Sounds like maybe he could use a bit more exposure to the everyday lives of his own kids?

From your post he sounds a bit disengaged, and like he lacks thought and consideration towards you, which could just be a morning thing or could be a bigger issue.

Socalm · 05/03/2020 14:52

My DH will step up, but only if I ask him specifically to do things. The problem is, when you're really unwell it's hard to be clear about all the things in your mind and that's when you really need help! And he won't think of them himself.

I hope you feel better soon, OP.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 05/03/2020 14:53

Whenever I'm sick DH asks if I need him to stay home. Most of the time I say no and muddle through until he gets home and takes over. But when I had flu he stayed home as there was no way I could care for DS.

Purpleartichoke · 05/03/2020 14:54

Of course he does more. Basically handles everything possible outside of work hours and occasionally even takes a sick day to cover for me.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/03/2020 14:55

I also agree that if you know you aren’t going to be cooking dinner it’s really easy for you to send him a text letting him know at a point when he can plan what to do about it rather than letting him find out when he walks in the door.

KidCaneGoat · 05/03/2020 14:57

That must be so shit for you.

This bit of what you wrote to the spare room where he then proceeds to sleep late in the mornings meaning he gets to work later than he'd like so obviously has to work later than he'd like. doesn’t seem right. Why doesn’t he get up earlier? It sounds like he wants to go to work later and return later but is using sleeping in the spare room as an excuse. Do you get to sleep in later after broken sleep? He’s on Team Husband.

Glendora · 05/03/2020 15:03

Other way round here, but yes if DH (pretty much a SAHD) is really ill I'll take time off work or adjust my schedule if I can. E.g. he had the flu (proper flu) last year for nearly 3 weeks and I had to take about a total of a week off work/ work from home because there was no way he could look after 3-yo DS or do school run.

If he's just got a bad cold, then for the most part he has to just get on with it. But I anyway get the kids breakfasted and dressed before I go to work (most days) and sort out grown-ups food most evenings.

In short, your DH sounds like an inconsiderate arse. I can't bear all these totally incompetent fathers who have to be told what to do all the time. Tell him to grow up and take responsibility for his own life (which includes family life)! I would find it an utter turn-off to be married to someone who I had to 'manage' like another child.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 15:04

Yeah mines been bloody fantastic to be fair with my latest bout of illness. He won't let me lift a finger.

HillAreas · 05/03/2020 15:06

My DH and I try to be nice to each other and that means doing what needs to be done in the house and for DS, make the other cups of tea/coffee, generally having each other’s backs and trying to make life as easy for each other as we can.
Being a SAHM doesn’t mean your DH gets to check out of being a partnership, and it doesn’t mean you are everyone’s bloody servant and the household dogsbody.
He’s an arse and he needs told sharpish. He will wonder in 20 years time why he barely knows his children and his marriage is in deep freeze. Stupid idiot.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/03/2020 15:13

I work part-time and haven't been ill recently, but I was at a late meeting yesterday and came home at 10.

Dirty plates and food left on the table
DS (11) not even in his PJ's, let alone in bed. At least he'd done his hw.
DD messing around somewhere in the house
DH soaking in the bath! Grin

This morning, DH announces that we've run out of milk...well, I suppose someone drank a lot of milk yesterday evening while I was out, but no one popped to the corner shop.

Honestly!