Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Advice needed. Would you be upset/ annoyed with your husband?

22 replies

MummyLou86 · 05/03/2020 13:26

I need advice because I'm upset and wonder if I'm being silly.

I have been with my husband since we were teenagers and we are now both 39/40. We have two children.

My husband (who has been working away) got a job recently and said that the head hunter who got him the job kept asking to meet for a drink. He showed me her picture and and asked if I thought she was pretty - she is OK, younger than us. He said he felt uncomfortable her asking him for a drink, just the two of them and that he would say no. This was before Christmas.

Yesterday he said he had a surprise for me and he had organised for flowers to be sent to my house. I checked his email (I know I shouldn't) and the same head hunter has asked him to meet and he has now said yes. The reason I checked his email is because I suspected he had sent me flowers and assumed it was to do with him wanting something - he always send me flowers when he wants to do something for himself. So I was suspicious after that.

I'm now very upset and annoyed. Do you think this is valid and what would you do?

OP posts:

Apirateslifeforme · 05/03/2020 13:29

Course you should be pissed off. Hes sneaking around, the flowers are a guilt gift.

Ellisandra · 05/03/2020 13:43

Well, even without the other woman, if your husband was in the habit of sending you flowers only when he wanted something I would long ago have told him I didn’t want them, and any he delivered against my wishes would he sat on the table waiting for him to deal with. Or given to a neighbour.
Flowers can be ordered in less than a minute. That’s like walking in, throwing £30 at you and saying, “shut up”.

You have specifically had this conversation about the head hunter. It was his choice not to meet her. I wouldn’t mess about with this. I’d tell him you’ve seen it, and if he wants to stay married, he has to stop lying to you. And stop chucking flowers at you when he wants his own way.

Do you know her name? You could swap out the card on the flowers to her name, and confuse them fuck out of him when you say, “why are these addressed to Emily?”

wehaveafloater · 05/03/2020 14:05

Both turn up at the 'drink session'. Afterall he's not a single person so he wouldn't dream of not including you would he? Just get ready to go out the evening he's going, and tag along at the last minute. That way he won't have time to get the hump !
She sounds like she needs to know she's not dealing with a wallflower wife, and he needs a pin to burst his ego bubble ! Enjoy watching her squirm !

ambereeree · 05/03/2020 14:08

Your husband is optimistic. She probably wants to meet to scope out more opportunities at the company or get him to recommend her to peers.
Not all professional women want to steal husbands.

Damntheman · 05/03/2020 14:09

I mean.. the original meeting would have been fine, no problem. A head hunter meeting a client? Totally normal. Him getting weird AF about asking if she was pretty (does it matter?) and turning it down oddly and then agreeing to it secretly later is just not ok. Why does he feel he needs to be secretive? I'd hate this OP.

Ellisandra · 05/03/2020 14:10

@wehaveafloater tbf to the headhunter, maybe she shouldn’t have to squirm, as OP’s shit of a husband may well have encouraged an impression that he’s single. When he said no at Xmas, was it, “would have loved to but I’m away” or “thanks for asking, I’ll decline though - I’m married!”?

We know he’s a shit because he lied about this meet, and also - what kind of arsehole shows a photo of another woman (who has asked him out) to his wife and asks if she thinks she’s pretty?!

Damntheman · 05/03/2020 14:10

Fucking hell don't do this. This is even more aggressively weird than your DH's behaviour OP! The Headhunter probably just wants a professional contact, not to be thrust into the middle of a full on domestic in public.

Glassio · 05/03/2020 14:13

his reaction is certainly odd. meeting a headhunter is totally normal but why he needed to thinking about how attractive she is or not is weird and clearly he isn't looking at her in a professional light.

MirandaGoshawk · 05/03/2020 14:14

I think it's reasonable for him to meet a headhunter. Ask him why he's sent flowers. Maybe he's keeping it from yiu as he knows you'd be upset. Try not to see it as a date - sounds as if he's not too comfortable with meeting up with her, but if it leads to a nob offer... I would tell him that I'm happy for him to meet her, but then I trust my DH. (Actually I have been in a situation where DH admitted he had a crush on someone at work. He was sensible enough to involve me and not to take it further with her and risk his family.)

Gadgnkk · 05/03/2020 14:15

It's difficult to know. She could have asked him out for a drink because she fancied him or she could have wanted to have a drink with him in order to network and gain clients. However, his reaction, sending you flowers out of guilt does suggest it's more of a date than a professional meet up.

MirandaGoshawk · 05/03/2020 14:16

Job, not nob!

Ellisandra · 05/03/2020 14:17

“If it leads to a nob offer” is surely the concern, @MirandaGoshawk

It is normal to occasionally meet with headhunters. But in my experience, not when they’ve recently placed you.

Ellisandra · 05/03/2020 14:19

Actually @Gadgnkk I didn’t consider the networking element, meeting soon after placement doesn’t mean discussing new jobs (which would piss off her original company client).

The thing is, meeting headhunters is normal in certain sectors, so there’s by no need for lies and patronising bloody flowers!

OP definitely needs to speak to him - and her instincts are right, that he’s behaving badly.

Namechanger001 · 05/03/2020 14:19

@MirandaGoshawk nob offer 😆honk you need to sort out this issue of him sending you flowers when he’s trying to get you to shut up about something.

He sounds like a sod for showing you a pic of her and asking if she’s pretty. Is he 13? I mean that’s weird behaviour just there.

Shamoo · 05/03/2020 14:19

I’ve met headhunters after being successful for a job they have matched me for. That is not weird at all I don’t think. He is being a bit weird about it though. Especially saying he wouldn’t go and then deciding he would without telling you.

NomDeDieu · 05/03/2020 14:48

YABU because yes it’s not unusual for head hunters to meet up with the prospective person (before and/or after)
Also YABU if he is only buying you flowers when he wants something for himself/calm his guilt down and you still accepting them. I would have refused the flowers a long time ago!!

YANBU because he said he felt uncomfortable about it so why is he doing it now, WITHOUT telling you I imagine?

Apirateslifeforme · 05/03/2020 14:53

Like others are saying, it's not her I'd be concerned with, its him. His perception is shes inviting him out, then hes asking you about her appearance, then sneaking around.
DH knows a lot of headhunters/recruiters, not irregular for them to meet people in hotels even. I've had a fair few meetings with recruiters. It's down to him to show that he has decent boundaries, "Lou, I've been invited for a drink by the headhunter, I'm not certain whether it's for work or if she fancies me, Haha, but I'm gonna go because it's probably to do with work! I'll be half an hour tops". Really gives a different perspective to, she keeps asking me for a drink, I've said no. Shes asked again,....do you think shes pretty? Then flowers and a secret meeting sounds dodgy.

And the sad part is hes probably viewed as a very sad man if she isnt interested, theres just as much likelihood that she is just doing her job.

A decent relationship with the people who give him work is really important, you both need to understand that and he needs to treat the women he comes into contact with like the professionals they are, not like they're other women vying for his affection.

Original poster

MummyLou86 · 05/03/2020 15:00

I agree. I don't think she is either. I can see why he thought she was - she repeatedly asked to meet for a drink - but I also think it's because she knows he will get her more candidates.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyLou86 · 05/03/2020 15:01

Agree. I'm not at all annoyed at her.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyLou86 · 05/03/2020 15:03

I think the point here is he told me he felt it was weird, wasn't going to go, then agreed to behind my back and is now sending flowers and being extra nice.

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 05/03/2020 16:22

I think it’s strange, and I would be annoyed with her as well - if she knows that he’s married. Does she know? He says that she kept asking him to meet up - so presumably he said no several times. At this point you would think that she would have clarified her position if it was a genuine work drink. He asking you if you think she’s pretty is bizarre- is he trying to make you jealous?

Piffle11 · 05/03/2020 16:25

What I mean, before anybody thinks I am blaming the woman, is that if it is a genuine work meeting, once the DH had said no several times I would be thinking, ‘oh God, he thinks I am after him!’ And I would at that point explain why I wanted to meet up: business only. Has she done this, and he is choosing to ignore it and see it as a come on or an excuse?

Flip