to feel sorry for my ex?

[Dizraeli]

We were in court recently for a fact finding hearing. The judge found him guilty (in family, not criminal court) for racist abuse against me directed at our young child, harrassment of me, neglect of his son by refusing to take him to his cardiac appointment to spite me, violent and aggressive behaviour towards me, shoving our 4 month old in to me etc etc. There is more but you get the gist. Why the f do I feel so sorry for him? It's like he's put a spell on me. He hasn't seen our son in a year. I've prevented access and the judge commended me in this and told him his behaviour was abhorrent. Why can't I get this sense of guilt out of my head? It is awful. I hate him but feel bad for him at the same time.

So he's been abusive, not just to you, but also to your child? I'm blowed if I know why you feel guilty, and sorry for him! Well done for getting rid of him, and keeping your child safe, and thank goodness the Judge saw the right of it!

It's hard to describe. I don't feel sorry enough to not be protective. I fled the relationship and never turned back. I got a restraining order, and have kept him away for a year. I'll be devastated if the courts Grant him access. It's more a niggling sense if guilt in the back of my head. Maybe s remnant of the relationship and his control over me.

I think that's more than likely what it is, a remnant of his control over you.

And possibly regret that he's not the man you thought he was, or the father your baby deserved, that things could have/should have been different?

I agree with mbonz it’s likely an overall feeling of guilt for the situation having happened at all.

My Mum only spoke once of something similar, for the longest time she felt guilty for leaving my Dad, despite his aggressive behaviour and him cheating on her when she was pregnant with me. She hated him but still felt guilt despite herself. It took a long time for her to realise her guilt was actually that my DB and I would not have a Dad growing up and she felt that was her responsibility for ‘not having chosen a better partner’ (her words) thankfully she raised this with me as an adult so I pointed her to reading material to help her and she was able to seperate it out in her head. She was blaming herself - the victim - for making what she viewed in retrospect as obvious mistakes with my Dad.

But hindsight as they say is 20/20. She didn’t have any idea of how far he would go until he unleashed it against her.

I explained to her about DARVO, FOG, that abusive nature tends to come to the fore/become a lot worse during pregnancy etc. and it made a little more sense to her.

When she left him he drove his motorcycle at high speed into a brick wall - damaging himself a lot, he has continued to blame my Mum and did so at the time. She unknowingly accepted this guilt and it’s taken a bit of work to get her to see that she of course, was not responsible for his actions, they were his and his alone. That this sort of Father was not good for us as children anyway so we felt there was nothing better she could have done than to get herself and us away.

I’m glad to read that you know you shouldn’t feel any guilt for his situation - hopefully with time to heal after the court situation is resolved as I imagine having him within your vicinity is exacerbating it

Sorry if most of that was somewhat nonsensical - I was up all last night with my twin toddlers who seem to have picked up a D&V bug!

Maybe s remnant of the relationship and his control over me.

I think you are correct here. It’s like the horrible vase his Aunty Angela gave you - in the end you just have to dump it at the charity shop and walk away.