In being upset with DH and feeling alone?

[sunnyrainycloudy]

Ds (6) has had some health problems.

Recently he's had severe constipation which has resulted in months of him soiling himself and a lot of time off school. It's honestly been a nightmare.

DH has been supportive of this eventually after a battle of me trying to get him to 'believe' it.

He's the kind of person who will never go to a doctor, he broke his finger badly recently and just ignored it. He also had what was possibly flu and definitely a bad sinus infection for two weeks, wouldn't go to the doctor.

Ds has recently been diagnosed (by the occupational therapist that works with all the kids at school) with a retained Moro reflex. It's been further agreed on by another doctor and were waiting for an OT and PT evaluation.

Reading about it I fully agree, it fits in with concerns I've had myself.

Over the past month dh has been very scathing and sniffy about it. Last night we had friends over and DH was laughing and joking about how 'there's nothing wrong with him', 'it's all made up crap from the doctor/OT' and how 'I love my darling wife so if believing this makes her happy then I'll go along with it'.

I'm so upset. And have told him so. He just keeps saying 'sorry if I upset you' but I feel mocked and now completely unsupported in all this. I realise that he's entitled to his opinion. But both doctors have told us we'll be doing DS a huge disservice in life not to address this.

I also eventually told DH that I'd realised I also have a retained Moro reflex and it's really held me back in many areas of my life. So it's like a double whammy of feeling hurt right now.

Sorry this was long, I didn't want to drip feed anything.

I actually can't even stand to look at him right now.

Am I being OTT being so upset? We've watched DS be so poorly with things over the years and i feel like DH just thinks everything is made up. (He also has cyclical vomiting for years and despite very VERY physical evidence it took years to convince DH that wasn't 'made up rubbish by doctors.'

Does dh go to doctors appointments? If not then he needs to start. Can you get inlaws onboard? I found quiet word from my fil to my dh was helpful when dh was minimising

@Waveysnail he does. He thinks they're in it for the money (in the States.)

His Father in law has similarly poo pooed DS's issues.

We've told them about the constipation and how it's possibly caused by dairy/gluten and one caught him giving ds cake when I'd been very clear on telling everyone both were severely limited.

His Mother just isn't interested in DS really. Dsil has younger children and they take up all of her time.

I can understand why you feel upset and unsupported, especially if you are having similar issues yourself.

My husband also has a tendency to minimise health issues in dc and act like significant issues are just normal. I think he just struggles to deal with stress.

I now keep him minimally informed about stuff to do with the dc health but just get on with it myself in terms of following up referrals and whatever needs to ge done, I just accept it's my responsibility to sort it out.

It's not ideal, it would be nice to have more support but you have to out your ds first.

@Noconceptofnormal

I feel the same now.

I don't want him coming to any of DS's future appointments. He was taking the piss out of the little tests the doctor had done last night. He clearly thinks it's all a joke so I don't think it will help ds or I for him to come.

Has he always been so arrogant as to think he knows better than everyone else, including medical professionals? Does he do it with other aspects of life, such as with car mechanics, sports coaches, dentists, chefs, vets etc?

He would irritate the shit out of me and I don’t blame you for being upset.

Your husband is an idiot.

I would struggle to be with him to be honest.

Doesn't it bother him that your son is suffering?

YANBU. Be aware that his poo-pooing of your son's health issues will filter back to your DS and he will feel rejected and mocked by his own father. Rather like how FIL seemed to have done the same to your DH.

I would chose to focus this on DS rather than your own feelings (although you should absolutely also be furious on your own behalf). Does he really want his son growing up to feel that his dad never has his back?

This cycle will sadly perpetuate until someone breaks it, that someone might be your son but in order to break it he will also have to break his relationship with his father. Is DH willing to risk that?

How can you stand to be with that man! He is going harm hill your DS mental health and make him feel like shit. I feel for you and your child.

You have to hope that a bit of karma comes his way in the future!

I've nobody to blame but myself. I loved at first how laid back he is. After a few highly stung nightmare boyfriends it was so refreshing.

I honestly didn't think it would extend to not really giving a shit about anything though.

He's a great Dad in many ways, does his fair share of everything, lots of fun activists with ds, always has time for him. But I'm finding this hard to overlook.

And his arrogance didn't used to bother me, I thought it was confidence. Now I'm struggling to like him very much.

But the poster that said I need to put ds first and make it less about my feelings is completely right, the last thing ds needs right now is arguments and me being an asshole. The doctors think that being tense (because of his delayed reflex) is partly what started the whole chronic constipation thing.

Your DH is an arsehole. He should come with you to the next appointment and you should say to the doctor that DH thinks it's all made up.

I would do the same in front of friends. Just call him out on it every time.

I suggest you tell your DH that as it is nothing he needs to take over laundering the soiled clothes and looking after DS when he is off school. I suspect he may change his tune then.

You need to have a row about it to clear the air.

DH has a problem with doctors - fine thats his issue. But he needs to know it is his issue and he doesn’t get to mock others because of it.

If I heard a dad saying that about the doctors I would assume the dad was either pig ignorant or in denial. I'm shocked that he would say all of that in front of people and you have every right to be angry with him and his lack of support. If stress and anxiety make it worse for your son, perhaps his dad and his attitude is adding to the problem? Even if you take what he is saying at face value about it not being a physical problem then you would have to address that it isn't normal and would need investigating from a psychological perspective, either way there is something wrong that needs some form of treatment -there isn't an option for it to just be nothing.

What @Booboostwo and @Londonmummy66 said.

Your husband's callous disregard of his son's health and emotional wellbeing defies belief.

Do you have insurance? I'd question the "being ripped off line if so". Sounds more like he doesn't want his son to be 'defective' or weak... He can't admit he himself can get hurt or injured. Sounds like a bit of a family story of men must be strong and healthy... Guessing he wouldn't do to relationship therapy to explore this?

God, you're in a rough place.

Personally - my opinion is that your responsibility lies with your son. Your DH's blatant disregard of his condition, coupled with his public mocking, doesn't bode well at all for your DS's future confidence and self worth.

I'm sorry to say that your DH sounds like an arrogant, braying bully. You, on the other hand, sound lovely.

This is the moment where you need to grow wings of titanium and protect your son. Work out how to het through to your DH that you mean business, and will not allow him to belittle your son this way.

I'm sure it's hard to even like your DH right now, let alone be intimate with him. He's shown himself to have different values to you. Work out what you need to do about that.

Your husband sounds like an abusive idiot.... How shit will it have to be for him actually to believe your somois suffering??

Please don't underestimate how rubbish this is for your son when all his real issues are poo pooed...

Please see this is utterly toxic parenting

He belittled you and made you feel small and stupid and is completely dismissing his own son's suffering - of course you are furious!

I would call him out on it! In front of doctors:
"my husband doesn't understand, he thinks it's all made up nonsense! Could you make it clearer for him?"

In front of friends:
"Can you believe it, husband thinks he knows better than the actual doctors?! He doesn't even believe our son's suffering is real! Shocking isn't it."

Spell it out to him very clearly that it is not on. You ds will end up feeling very confused and hurt to know his dad is so dismissive of his pain.