To move the family back to a large city having already moved to a quieter town for a better lifestyle??

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Sorry if this becomes a ramble. Will try and keep it to the point. Have 2 children, one just in high school and another in primary school. They were born in the city with lots of crime and pollution, but also lots of opportunities, good transport infrastructure and jobs. Also a cheaper cost of living/cheaper housing.

A few years ago I retrained for a different profession, and we made the decision that if I got a job in the town we wanted to live then we would move. I got a job and we all moved south. We have family here so not completely isolated. The children have settled into school well and I have started to settle into my job. My husband has been working but has struggled to find a permanent job, although he’s only had a few weeks total out of work. His wages are less here though and his travel costs higher as he has to travel further for work. Housing cost is also much higher and we increased our mortgage significantly for a smaller house and one that is at the cheaper end of the scale for this part of the country. We aren’t poor as such, but we always seem to be unstable financially and don’t seem to move forward because of DH job insecurity.

My job is quite stressful (but i do enjoy it), and is shift work. Because of this I’ve struggled to make firm friends as I work with various people over the course of shifts. I have lots of friendly colleagues who are great to work with but the friendships haven’t transferred out of work. One or two have suggested meeting with the kids at events, but I can’t ever get there as I don’t have a car during the week (hubby needs it for work), and public transport is poor. We can’t afford to run 2 cars.

My days off are usually when kids are at school. My days are spent doing housework, walking the dog, walking to town, and maybe meeting my mum if she’s off. I miss my friends. I miss having the freedom that comes with good transport and/or a car, and having lots of amenities close by. I feel not being able to off load to my friends about the struggles of work, and also having so much quiet time to think is affecting my mental health. I’ve never experienced mental health issues before, but recently I find myself quite tearful, tired and worrying a lot. I do feel this is partly due to having no escapes and having so much time to think (I am a worrier naturally but it’s never escalated as I keep myself distracted and busy). I do go to the gym when I can or an exercise class with a family member.

We live in a beautiful part of the country and it does feel safer. It isn’t utopia and crime does occur here and homelessness and county lines crime is a thing, but on a much smaller scale, and there is visible action against it. The kids Schools seem to be much more nurturing and relaxed too. They are happy.

Now, I feel like my answers lie in moving back to a nicer part of the city we left. My husband however doesn’t think so. My concern is also the kids. My eldest especially given they are at high school and he worried about going into the city due to things he’d seen/heard. I’m also worried it may not be the answer and I’ll regret it, and have moved the family unnecessarily again!!!!

Has anyone ever experienced similar. Is 18months too short a time and I need to give myself more time to settle?? Ironically I spent my whole childhood moving due to my dads job, yet I’m the one struggling to settle 🙈 it’s so difficult when other lives are affected!

I’m biased because I’ve always lived in a city and the idea of moving to the countryside seems boring to me, especially if I couldn’t drive or was unable to drive due to cost.

18 months in the long run isn’t that long, but it would be too long for me so I see where you’re coming from.

What I didn’t understand was why is your eldest worried about the city? Even if he’s in year seven surely he remembers what it was like to live in one if the move happened only a year and a half ago?

Is the job you trained for available for you to do in the city you are thinking of moving to and what are your partners job prospects there? That would make a difference because otherwise it sounds like 3 people that are happy and settled in your new location and 1 that isn’t.

Sorry, meant to add although making friends would likely to improve your mental health and happiness at work, without a car and only poor transport links, how likely is it that you will be able to meet up with them regularly outside of work anyway, unless relying on lifts or taxis to get anywhere? (There’s enough threads posted by OPs on here complaining about friends that only want to meet at their own house or a certain location due to the same issue who get called CF’s and exasperating and the general consensus is always that the OP is NBU.)

I wonder whether your childhood is playing a part. If you are used to moving regularly and do it for a formative stage of your life I think you become accustomed to it and perhaps seek it out. Starting over with all the possibilities it offers becomes a normal option. I know that's how I have felt.

Also as we grow older (no idea of your age) I think there is the panic of is this it? Have I made my last big change?

Ideas - any clubs/groups you can join? I've joined loads over the last few years - sometimes they've been rubbish but I have made a handful of lovely friends from them. Running clubs or yoga/Pilates/gyms tend to be flexible so if you need to miss a week or two it won't matter. Can you alter your shift pattern? Transport seems to be an issue - What about cycling to meet up with people?
Have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? Could it be linked to the menopause?

We moved out of London and I think it took me 2 years to move my mindset and begin friendships. I hated those years. Nearly a decade later I'm very settled but also can't believe we've been here so long and are unlikely to ever move out of the area.

Not sure how helpful any of that is. But you are not unreasonable and in fact are very sensible to review your options.

I'm in a similar situation, moved from London to rural Ireland. There is zero public transport, not much that interests me in the nearest town cost of living is very expensive and I miss my family lots. The thing for me though is that I do think my kids will have a better childhood here and my husband loves it here. It's only been a year and things are more bearable but everything feels like it on a much smaller scale and I feel like its hard to get excited about anything. We've decided to make one more move before our oldest moves school to a busier area. Realistically can you afford to move?

Yes my job is available in the city. In fact I’d have more choice of location without a horrid commute. My husbands job is also more readily available. It’s ledger work so more choice in the city. There are jobs here too but not as many hence the need for travel. We aren’t in London so even though the cost of living is higher the wages are the same as most other towns. We aren’t in the countryside as such. It’s a growing town, but infrastructure hasn’t yet caught up to the rapidly growing population.

Regarding my son and the city, I probably wasn’t clear. When we lived in the city he was generally happy and had nice friends and a nice school, but if we went into the city (our closest shopping area), or other busy towns he was always anxious. He’d heard about crimes in and around the local area (assaults/robbery), and he’d seen many spice addicts/ homeless/ aggressiveness etc and it used to scare him. He’s calmer here and happy to venture off on his own. He wasn’t when we lived in the city. However, this could just be a coincidence as we moved just as he was about to start becoming independent. I have mentioned it to the kids in passing about how they’d feel if we moved back, and he seems a bit meh about the idea. He loves his new school and has formed a nice friendship group.

I do feel that with transport that would help, and hopefully over the next 12 months we can get another car. I do go to the gym and I did join a running club, but because of my shifts and the kids / husbands activities it often clashed so I was unable to go. The gym works as I can go around my shifts, but I haven’t met people this way as I swap and change my classes/ times to fit in with work and kids.

I’m late 30s, and stopped moving when I was in my teens, so my last home was the first place I made real firm friends.

There are so many variables that could be the trigger and so I don’t want to do a knee jerk decision and make everything so much worse. Perhaps 18months isn’t life big enough as one post said. That’s kind of what I was wondering. Maybe I’m expecting too much too soon? Xx

We could afford to move at some point with a few months of saving and subject to a house sale. My job is fairly well paid and would be the same pay wherever I worked. Houses are around 30% cheaper where we lived before