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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact school

26 replies

Confusedforreal88 · 04/03/2020 22:11

dc is 6. He is very happy and such a kind hearted little boy (this was also said by his teacher at last months parent teacher meeting) however he is never asked on play dates with others from his class. I asked his teacher about friendships and she said oh he is friends with everyone.

The last few weeks he has been saying a few things about boys in the class. How one so
Sometimes tells him not to speak to him or where he can play. Then next day he and this boy are best friends (his words). Myself and his dad have noticed at pick ups that he will call out the other boys names to say bye and they will ignore him when there is a few of them there but if there is only one they will acknowledge him. I thought I was being paranoid about this.

Yesterday he cane out of school and said ‘mummy x is having a party I’m not invited but A said I can put my name on his card and go with him’ I explained that wasn’t how it worked and he said I’ll ask x is I can go tomorrow. I just left it as I didn’t want to dwell on it (but was very pissed off as I had x at my sons last party he is a June baby). Today ds told me that x said he couldn’t go to his party- ds seemed a little upset but not overly (he is very chilled). Then tonight at bed he told me how one of the boys has a gang and ds is sometimes allowed in it but sometimes he isn’t (most of the boys are in this gang). Last week he wasn’t allowed to play as he wasn’t wearing the proper coloured coat!!! And only the awesome boys are allowed in the gang to play.

My DS is very innocent and I am now starting to wonder if he is being excluded every playtime but just doesn’t notice-he may ‘think’ he’s being included in the games iyswim

Wibu to raise this with the teacher? Or am I bing precious first born.

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 04/03/2020 22:14

I think I would raise it in much the same way as you have here. I think they'd rather know.

Downton57 · 04/03/2020 22:21

Please do call his teacher and arrange a chat. She will definitely want to know.

Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 04/03/2020 22:24

Thanks. I have been worrying about this for a while but was more a gut feeling. I did mention it at the parent teacher meeting but she gave the friends with everyone comment and then thought I would be silly to probe it further then

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 04/03/2020 22:26

I'd have a chat with the teacher. It sounds like one or a few of the boys are being a bit unkind and trying to exclude people and perhaps could use a gentle reminder.

PinkCrayon · 04/03/2020 22:29

Have a word with the teacher but to be honest I would encourage my son to play with someone else too.

Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 04/03/2020 22:34

I have been encouraging him to play with others but he is convinced these boys are his friends but to me it just doesn’t sound like they are.

There are 12 boys in the class 7 seem to be the awesome ones and 5 seem to be not included (my son being in this group)

OP posts:
louisawhitegenius · 04/03/2020 22:43

I would say defo mention it to the teacher, they will be able to address the whole class and remind all the children that such behavior is unkind and can be hurtful. On another note, you will find as your little one gets older they will miss out on parties from time to time. I remember being peeved but have come to realise as they got older the parties tend to get smaller (and more expensive!) so it can be down to these factors and not just being left out as such. I think it's also down to the parents to have a word and stop the 'you're not coming to my party' nonsense too!

noeyedeer · 04/03/2020 22:45

Please talk to the teacher and say what you have posted here. I say this as a former teacher. I'd rather know and keep an eye on issues when they start than have unhappy children in my class.

Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 04/03/2020 22:51

I understand he won’t be invited to all parties and I explained that to him. I was super proud though today when he said when it’s his party he still wants to invite x even though he didn’t invite him. He is such a sweet boy

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 04/03/2020 22:52

Thanks for all the advice I will be ringing in the morning

OP posts:
Potkettlexx · 04/03/2020 22:53

Awww OP I could have written this post myself. Nearly in tears reading this as it’s so close to home. I feel exactly the same as you.

My ds has never been invited to a play date, talks about the ‘cool boys’ one particular boy who is ‘so cool’. There’s one boy that handed out invitations like they were golden tickets to willy wonkas chocolate factory and he done it in front of my dc. My ds asked if he was invited and was told no. I was so annoyed with the mam of the boy as in this day and age there’s no need to hand them out in front of the ones that aren’t invited. It’s unnecessary cruel imo when you could just give them to the parents.

Same with what you say about your ds just generally getting ignored by the others. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. I wish we lived beside each other and we could meet up with out gorgeous little boys!! So totally empathise with you

Yeah go see the teacher and see if she can shed more light. Let us know how you get on. Wee soul 😢

Potkettlexx · 04/03/2020 22:58

Ps your ds is nicer than me... the birthday boy handed out his invites this year and last year. All boys except 3 were invited. Again totally understand but why do it infront of them.

I also happen to know that his mum got a lot of stick at school as a kid so I thought she would know what it’s like to be left out but apparently not.i couldn’t help myself I blocked her off my FB! 😂😳 I though sod you.... you bitch 😂 my heart was broken for ds

MintyMabel · 04/03/2020 23:03

I was super proud though today when he said when it’s his party he still wants to invite x even though he didn’t invite him.

I get where you are coming from but I don’t think this is a good thing. DD had a similar attitude to one girl when she was that age and her insistence she invited her to parties was more of a hindrance than a help. After three instances of her very obviously being left out of this girl’s plans and a whole bunch of other exclusions at school, along with the girl actually trying to do the same at DD’s own party, I gently suggested next time that inviting the girl wasn’t going to make her happy and maybe her party should be one place she didn’t have to put up with her, trying to get on her good side. Being incredibly kind can lead to them being treated quite badly.

I would definitely talk to the teacher about how the other boys are behaving, that needs to be nipped in the bud. But also don’t worry about it too much about your boy. It’s early days and mostly children aren’t forming close friendships at that age, they are working out where they fit. He’ll get there, I’m sure.

Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 04/03/2020 23:03

It’s just so sad for them. The parents of the class aren’t cliquey so I cant even think of that as being a reason. My son plays football twice a week, is big into gaming loves messing about and running around so I just don’t understand why he isn’t ‘fitting in’. He has lots of cousins so is used to kids his own age too I’m just baffled

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 04/03/2020 23:06

however he is never asked on play dates with others from his class.

I know it's an obvious question but do you invite children for a play date?

Maybe try inviting some of the non awesome kids and see if they actually turn out to be the more awesome ones?

Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 05/03/2020 08:56

No I haven’t not because I don’t want too but I don’t feel comfortable enough to approach and ask? I rang the school as we aren’t allowed to bring them in in the morning we have to leave them at the doors so waiting on teacher calling back

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 05/03/2020 12:57

In your situation I would ask your son who he would like to invite over and go for that.
Hope you manage to speak to someone soon.

Quirrelsotherface · 05/03/2020 15:06

Yes I would definitely speak to them. It sounds to me that there's one boy ruling the roost, which can be the case at that age. It needs nipping in the bud. The party thing is shitty but unfortunately not much you can do about it. In my experience when they're this little, it's often the parent playing some kind of weird power game.

Waveysnail · 05/03/2020 15:47

OP have you invited any children around yours to play?

Nursing83 · 05/03/2020 15:59

If he's 6 and a June birthday is he in Yr 2? Have you not had any playdates before? Is the gang a new thing? I hope the teacher was able to help. In my limited experience Yr 2 seems to be when most parents have much more personal parties and really limit the numbers. Could you ask him if he'd like to invite someone over and get hold of the parents number and ask them before you allow him to invite the child as some people can't do playdates. Also can you work on strengthening friendships outside of school?

Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 05/03/2020 16:01

Spoke to the teacher she was lovely. She said she hadn’t noticed anything in the classroom but she would have a chat with my ds, the class as a whole and the ‘gang’. She also said she’ll get the playground assistant to keep an eye out and will meet with me tomorrow after school to discuss. I just don’t want ds (if he is being left out) to think that’s ok and to just wait about to be asked to play.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 05/03/2020 22:34

No no play dates before he was invited to 3 parties last year but they were at the end of the year...

The street we live on has no kids his age they are all teens, he plays for a football club but the boys play football then leave. He has lots of cousins in the same age group so we are always busy he is barely ever alone and ‘bored’

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedforreal88 · 06/03/2020 21:04

Spoke to the teacher after School today. She said that he was playing with ones from the class in the playground at break and lunch yesterday and when I asked about today she says she didn’t know as she wasn’t on duty (but she then said she had asked the classroom assistants to keep an eye outside so that confused me how she didn’t know) she said a few boys were tight lipped about the gang but others confirmed there was one and they too had been left out at times due to what they wore. She said she’s told them it’s to stop right away. She said that ds chats away in class and she doesn’t notice anyone ignoring him. So I have to take it that things are fine but it’s just not what I’m seeing at pick ups etc. The teacher is lovely but she seemed very nervous talking to me about it.

I’m going to leave it now and not mention anything to ds about playtime etc for a few weeks then I’ll check in how things are going

OP posts:
Theworldisfullofgs · 06/03/2020 22:02

I think this has alerted the teacher to something she didn't know and I'm imagining she'll keep an eye on it.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing.

MyOtherProfile · 07/03/2020 08:09

Good they are keeping an eye. In the meantime I would start having the odd playdate as that really strengthens friendships.

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