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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like a bit of a knob

25 replies

MadameBee · 04/03/2020 21:36

DS 18 birthday.

Split with his father when he was a baby.

He’s always had regular contact and on the whole we have got on ok, I have brought him up and always been the default parent.

There have been a few fallings out, initially when he was a baby and I had PND and I saw the women he had left me for while I was pregnant pushing my 2 month old in his buggy when they were together and went ballistic, buts that’s been water y see the bridge for a long time and I accept she is a good step mother.

He and I have always done parents evenings together and other events involving DS.

He has had some mental health issues the last few years where he has been highly unpleasant to me for absolutely no reason.

He has apologised for this.

Later this month is DS bday I asked if he would like to contribute to the present he has asked for (as it’s quite expensive) and maybe do a lunch together for him.

Text back “no thanks”

Argh - wish I had never put myself out there and asked Sad just thought it would be nice for DS to have both parents in the same room.

OP posts:
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/03/2020 21:42

Text back “Ok, no probs Smile” and forget about it.

You are not the knob here, trust me.

Original poster
MadameBee · 04/03/2020 21:43

I did already, feel a bit sad for DS.

Sad
OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 04/03/2020 21:46

It would be nice, but it'l didn't have to be a big deal. Maybe his dad already has plans for his birthday so doesn't want to double up or look like he's trying to outdo you by contributing to a joint gift and then giving an extra one on top?

I'd just text back no problem, maybe double check is it a no to both, or just the joint gift, and then go ahead and organise a lovely gift and lunch without him.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/03/2020 21:48

Have you mentioned it to him? If not, I wouldn’t. Just do something lovely just the two of you.

Your ds is 18 now and it’s up to him to carry on his relationship with his dad should he want to. Now he’s an adult you don’t have to have your ex in your life any more. Doesn’t have to be a big thing just don’t contact him again unless absolutely necessary. After what he did to you I think you are well within your rights to think of him as excess baggage you can now cast out of your life!

Your ds’s birthday should be about him, forget his dickhead dad.

Curiosity101 · 04/03/2020 21:50

just thought it would be nice for DS to have both parents in the same room

Is this potentially only your idea of what your son would like for his 18th birthday?

Just thinking back to mine (and most of my friend's) 18th birthdays. We definitely didn't want our parents around but would have smiled politely at the family lunch event and then got on with what we actually wanted to do in the evening.

Not all of our friends turned 18 at the same time of course, so any events that involved everyone being able to drink were a big hit.

TheSparkling · 04/03/2020 21:54

You are not the knob in this scenario. Don't give it another thought.

Original poster
MadameBee · 04/03/2020 21:55

Is this potentially only your idea of what your son would like for his 18th birthday

He has Aspergers - he’s interested in going out and getting pissed.

He has an older brother and sister he adores who will also be there and I suggested his father bring his son, Ds younger brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBee · 04/03/2020 21:56

*not interested sorry

OP posts:
amazedmummy · 04/03/2020 21:57

Not your problem at all. My mum and dad have been in the same room once in the last 20 years. They both came to my wedding, dad refused to be a part of anything. He came off as the knob.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/03/2020 21:59

It was a nice idea. If he had a good reason to decline, it would have been courteous to make excuses.

APatchyTomCat · 04/03/2020 22:00

Don't feel like a knob.

All you've done is given him a chance to be a part in gifting DS his main and most wished for present, and the opportunity to join in with something nice for your son.
He's said no, which is his prerogative and not worth falling out over, but definitely does not make you A Knob. In anyone's eyes.

Curiosity101 · 04/03/2020 22:02

He has Aspergers - he’s not interested in going out and getting pissed.

Totally understandable then. I was hoping you were maybe beating yourself up over how you felt his birthday should be.

Either way don't beat yourself up. Like other PPs have said, you can still do something lovely without your ex and I'm sure your son will love it. Smile

Original poster
MadameBee · 04/03/2020 22:12

Thank you.

I always feel in the wrong with both my exes Sad

OP posts:
atomicblonde30 · 04/03/2020 22:19

You are not the knob here, but equally neither is he. He’s definitely allowed to say no and doesn’t have to give a reason or excuse, a ‘no thanks’ is reasonable in this scenario.

It was a nice idea but if he wants to keep things separate then so be it, I’m sure between you and his dad your son will have a fantastic 18th.

Pippa12 · 04/03/2020 22:30

My mum invited my Dad for a meal for my 16th- alongside her husband/his wife/my siblings. They’d always got on without issue and my mum thought it’d be nice. He declined and immediately booked a holiday and was out of the country for my birthday...

I see it as my dad being the wally and my mum trying to do a nice thing for me (18 years later!) so don’t feel like a knob.

Samtsirch · 04/03/2020 22:33

I do really feel for you MadameBee, you can only do your own best for your children, how others behave is beyond your control, so stressing over their input is a waste of your energy and your son may not experience the same level of disappointment that you do, if that makes any sense.
Do what you can to give your son a great birthday, you can do no more than that.
I’m sure he will have a great time with you. Don’t let any one else detract from that.

timetest · 04/03/2020 23:10

You are not the knob here.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2020 23:31

I agree - he's the knob, not you. I know it feels like a slap in the face for both you and your son, but please stop that - you made a perfectly reasonable an understandable offer, and he's knocked it back - that's on him, not you. I hope he's making some effort for your DS's 18th birthday himself, which might explain why he's not bothered about coming in on your present to him.

Let it go - you're fine.

Thinkingabout1t · 05/03/2020 00:00

You sound like a loving and caring mother, OP. I'm sure you'll give DS a happy birthday. To hell with his miserable father -- DS is lucky to have you.

pumpkinbump · 05/03/2020 00:02

Just laugh it off. What an arse!

MadameMeursault · 05/03/2020 00:15

There’s only one knob here, and it ain’t you. You sound like a nice mum trying to do the best for her DS. Happy birthday Young Monsieur Bee 🎂🎉🎁

diddl · 05/03/2020 07:36

Why is he a knob for saying no though?

Isn't he likely to have his own plans?

Bbang · 05/03/2020 12:11

Yeah I don’t understand why he’s a knob either? You asked if he’s like a joint thing, he said no thank you. I can’t see the issue really, an you said so yourself your son will just want to go out and get pissed.

Dad maybe had his own gift and celebrations plans.

Spied · 05/03/2020 12:21

There's a good chance DS wouldn't have wanted you both together in the same room.

Personally it would be my idea of hell.

HoffiCoffi13 · 05/03/2020 12:26

You are not a knob at all, it was a nice idea.
I don’t get why he’s a knob though... surely he was entitled to decline? I imagine he has his own plans.

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