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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be concerned about a friend

4 replies

ConcernedForAGoodFriend · 04/03/2020 20:21

NCd as outing.

I'm really worried about a friend of mine. She recently found out her DH has been having an affair and since she found out he's been very EA. They have three DCs and are all still living under the same roof.

She has decided she wants him out of the house but is burying her head in the sand about the logistics a little bit, which is completely understandable. She should take all of the time she needs to process everything and make any decisions. The problem is she is under the assumption that because they are married, she's a SAHM and would be the primary carer to their children that he should continue to pay 100% of the mortgage and bills and pay her some kind of maintenance too while also paying to rent out a place of his own, which I'm not sure he could even afford if he wanted to. They own their house but because she has no income of her own I don't know if she would be named on the mortgage or deed to the house or if that even makes a difference. I'm not sure how it works!

I've gently suggested she speak to a solicitor to get some advice but she is so convinced she's right she doesn't think she needs it. The problem is her DH is becoming really quite nasty and I can see him doing everything he can to make sure she doesn't see a penny, in which case could she and her three DCs find themselves on the street if he refuses to pay the mortgage? She thinks a court would order him to because she and the DCs would still be living in the house but I'm not sure that's the case.

I'm trying to do whatever I can to be there for her and I'm not trying to be pushy at all but it's hard finding the right line to tread and I'm out of my depth here. WIBU to try to find out some info for her regarding her legal situation and pass it on to her to do with as she wishes? I'm not trying to burst her bubble at all and I'm hoping that all of her assumptions are right but if they're not then should she know sooner rather than later so she can form a plan b? I'm perfectly ok with being told to butt out and leave her to get on with it all herself and just be there for her in case things go badly but is that the right thing to do?

If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it please. I don't really want to interfere but it's awful to see her go through this so please go easy on me! Thanks.

OP posts:
greenflamingo · 04/03/2020 20:26

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/divorce-and-money-calculator

Lots of advice on government websites and this calculator is pretty good if you know asset/income details. She’s right to some extent, he can’t just walk away and withdraw support/completely change their lifestyle. If his salary can stretch to it, he’ll have to support her while the children are at home.

ConcernedForAGoodFriend · 04/03/2020 20:30

@greenflamingo thank you that's incredibly helpful. I was having a look on the citizen's advice site for something similar but was going around in circles!

OP posts:
Dylaninthemovies1 · 04/03/2020 20:37

Normally I would say mind your own business, but in this case I don’t think you sound like a judgey nosey Parker, but as someone looking out for their friend. Only thing I could recommend is a solicitor and citizens advise

ConcernedForAGoodFriend · 04/03/2020 20:54

Thanks @Dylaninthemovies1

I'm a really introverted person so even though we're close and can talk about anything I struggle with confrontation or to initiate awkward or difficult conversations. I desperately want her to be right almost entirely for her sake but also because I'm not very good at this and hate to feel like I'm being nosey or butting in. I'm way out of my comfort zone!

OP posts:
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