Interested or clutching at straws ?

[lisaloveslife]

First post. I would appreciate your advice. I am a single woman in my 40's. I have come out of a vey long term relationship a year past.I had a friendship with a man for years. We are still close and still work together. We ignored the chemistry as we were both in relationships and pretended it wasn't there but enjoyed daily contact and outs of work communication. Messages, drinks, dinners.
Back when we got too close we shut down contact outside of hours but remained close.
He has now started daily contact again for example voice notes, messages and asking to go out together for lunch or a drink. He has not mentioned his girlfriend in weeks and I'm not comfortable to ask if it is over. He uses heart emojis and calls me sweetheart and my love in his messages.He uses these terms when he is being caring or concerned ,so that could give context.
Is he just being kind and caring when things are not going well for me or is he showing signs of interest again now that he knows I am single. I am very prepared to be called a sentimental old fool! Thanks

You need to ask him if he is single now.

And if he is not, reduce contact to work issues only. On't let him take advantage of you if he cannot offer you a proper, overt relationship. (I nearly typed 'friendship', but that's not what you're interested in,is it?). It's a morale boost to think someone fancies you, but if he is not available, this could go very badly wrong

If I ask and he is in a relationship, how could I deal with that. It would be awkward.

Can you contrive to mention the gf in conversation? Then hopefully you'd find out if she's still on the scene. If she is, I'd go back to office hrs only contact. If she isn't... good luck!

He can evade questions we'll. Do you think he is interested again?

Cant you drop it into conversation some how? Without out right asking.
Maybe next time he asks about lunch, in a jokey way ask if his grilfriend minds?

Agreed... You need to bite the bullet and ask whether he still has the girlfriend. Doing that won't be as awkward as getting closer over potentially months and then finding out he is still with his girlfriend and thus completely ruining the friendship. Just go for it!

If he has a girlfriend just tell him you don't feel it's appropriate for him to be messaging you like that

I will ask him over lunch.

Is it appropriate if we are just friends though and he is trying to be caring and supportive? Is there a possibility that he is being kind and does not have an angle? Or are those comments crossing the line regardless of what's going on in my life?

If he was being kind without an angle he would always have acted this way though presumably.

It's not appropriate to use love heart emojis though. I wouldn't be happy if my DP was texting people with hearts and calling them sweetheart

Why not something like 'Oh I've not asked in a while, how are you and Tina getting on?'

He has always been kind and supportive but his use of those words and pet names is new.

Don't you ever ask how he is? That would include his relationship status.

Are you interested in him? Because it sounds as though he would like to take things further, but that doesn't necessarily mean a relationship, it could be a FWB offer.

Do you think you both ignored the chemistry, or do you think if you'd have been up for it, so would he?

He has a girlfriend. They are still together. I asked him( thanks pp) how 'Debbie' was...He said she was fine and changed the subject.
I don't know what to think now?

Hmmmm it might not necessarily mean he has a girlfriend if all he said is "she's fine"? Could he just not want to bring it up?

How long did he vanish for...as in not send you the messages

I’d stay clear. He’s with someone, so leave them to it. If he was really that into you, he wouldn’t be with Debbie. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Then he’s just being friendly. Or he’s looking for a bit on the side. Either way as you’re likely not looking for that, then I’d steer clear.

He didn't really vanish before but he cut back substantially in his contact which I understood very well.
At one stage he didn't message or contact me for days and over our annual shut down he don't contact me for weeks( when his relationship was developing )
He started contacting me out on f hours and during shut down again a few weeks ago and in the past two weeks it has been daily with the addition of voice notes and several times he has used pet names like sweet heart and ' my love' with lots of emojis. That's all I can think of.

You’re just out of a relationship and he’s trying it on while his gf is none the wiser.

He doesn’t sound like a decent man to me.

Just tell him it's not really fair in Debbie to meet. Then block him.

I'm one year out of a marriage.

OP how would you feel if you had a new partner and he contacted his female friend in the same way this man is contacting you?

I would be disgusted because I would automatically assume that the pet names and the emojis and Level of contact had crossed the line even if I was wrong.However if my Female friend said those things and sent me those messages I would not be bothered or think twice about it.
This is probably why I posted. I am out of the scene a long time and was unsure of his motives. I guess he is either being loving and kind or he has new feelings.
I'm not bothered to talk to him while he is in a relationship.i guess I will just keep things on a more official level out of work .