Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wary of this girl?

30 replies

Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 22:02

There's this girl at my work who i'm kind of friendly with, we go out as a girl group outside of work sometimes. Wouldn't say she's a close friend though. I actually knew her before she started at my work through a mutual hobby. Can't say she was the most welcoming to me then and she didn't really speak to me that much. When i found out she was joining my company and team i went out of my way to make her feel welcome. Tried to include her in the group.
Just recently i've seen her behaviour, i don't think anyone else has spotted it. Over the past few weeks she has put herself in the centre of all the guys, kind of like queen bee. Arranged one on one lunches and having little inside jokes. Asked to be in a team with these guys only and no one else. Today one of the guys asked a question and made a small tease towards her, he clearly was joking. She went crazy and made it very awkward and then was in a mood for the rest of the day. Me and him spoke about what he asked and i could see he was looking over at her worried about her reaction.
She has been rude to me, i've got drinks from our drink machine and when i was half way through she cut in. I said i was not finished and her answer was well you were too slow.
I passed some work over to her as i was very busy and she snapped at me. Then i called her out and said ok i only said i couldn't do it because i was busy. She then came over to me and began stroking my arm and saying she was only joking.
Her behaviour from when she first started and now is very different. She can be very abrupt and moody. Stomps around and huffs when she's in a mood. I just feel like everyone runs around her and runs to her but i dont get why people cant see what i see? AIBU to think shes a bit of a pain?

OP posts:
D4rwin · 03/03/2020 22:05

This sounds like a playground. Maybe working with adults would help.

Original poster
Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 22:06

Obviously i don't want to get caught up in this "playground" of hers so keep her at arms length. I just think her behaviour is very petty though and i can see what she's doing. Everyone else seems to think shes amazing though.

OP posts:
Thehop · 03/03/2020 22:12

Give her time. They’ll see it.

BlueSpotty · 03/03/2020 22:13

She doesn't sound very pleasant. I'd just be polite with her but don't get involved with her or her jokes and cliques. And definitely pull her up if she's rude or snappy with you.

Original poster
Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 22:17

Perhaps they will. I just really like where I work and my department. I just hope she doesn't make the atmosphere unpleasant!

OP posts:
damnthatanxiety · 03/03/2020 22:27

just be careful. She sounds like the sort of person to start making secret formal complaints about others. Hopefully not you. Keep a time and date journal of everything you are concerned about.

LemonFrenzy · 03/03/2020 22:42

They're probably frightened of her. I used to work with someone similar she turned out to be a bit of a bully and people were scared that she'd make a fool out of them in front of others.

Original poster
Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 22:50

Actually I was just then reading another thread about work place bullying eg being excluded. The other day this girl, another girl and 5 guys all went down stairs and had a games lunch. And it was this girl who arranged it. I'm just worried she's going to slowly push me out because I feel like it's slowly happening. Witg her having these 1 on 1 lunches. Arranging these lunch get togethers and not including me. Not that I want to be included I just don't want to be excluded from the whole group which I think she could be capable of doing. And yes she strikes me as someone who could be a bully. I wouldn't have thought it when she first started though.

OP posts:
cstaff · 03/03/2020 22:58

I would give her a wide berth. Hopefully your colleagues will see through her eventually. You know her longer so are ahead of the game in this case. It sounds like the bloke who was joking with her is already starting to see her for what she really is. I don't think you have anything to worry about OP. She will show her true colours in time.

Andylion · 03/03/2020 23:16

This sounds like a playground. Maybe working with adults would help.

Helpful Hmm

OP, you can't do anything about the 1 on 1 lunches as people are free to have lunch as they choose. If, however, everyone but you is invited, then you have a problem.

Stand up for yourself when she is unreasonable, as in the drinks machine thing. Do you have the same manager?

Original poster
Twirlsandswirls1 · 03/03/2020 23:21

I'm not bothered by the one on one lunches but it's the building strong bonds with everyone one on one that worries me. And then doing the group lunch thing. I heard her mention it to someone today about doing another. Yes we have the same managers. Work in an open plan office. She sits just behind me hence I heard her getting in a huff. I also tried to join in a conversation with her and this guy. She then went of to go well anyway guys name this was what I was saying. Like she didn't like me including myself into it.

She once said to me about a mutual person we both know. She said this girl always likes to include herself in people's personal events eg weddings, baby showers and then drops them.
Recently it's dawned on me that I think this girl does that too! Should have seen it as a warning then!

OP posts:
Oscaree · 03/03/2020 23:30

You saw the warning signs before she joined your company. Stay away from her, she's toxic. Don't talk badly about her. Just leave her alone. People are pandering to her because they don't want to be the person who gets shouted at. It's a form of bullying.

I recently left my workplace because a woman bullied me like this. I called her out on it and reported her to my boss. The boss said, "You're not the first to complain about her". Of course nothing was done. She
was vicious about me behind my back and the whole department knew. I didn't discuss the incident with anyone. Long story short, I discovered everyone was terrified of her and said she was unprofessional, but they fawned around her whenever she was present. It left a bad taste in my mouth so I left. Don't let yourself become her victim - just stay away.

bbpet · 03/03/2020 23:33

She is toxic so tread carefully, stand your ground and if you ever feel like you can call her out in a way that won't look bad on you, do it, you may be surprised how many people side with you. She sounds like she has BPD with her shitty behaviour.

Magnumrose · 04/03/2020 00:11

I work with a toxic person like this. For a while, I thought I was the only one who could see through her “charm” facade. But it’s become clear, through little comments by others over time, that many people feel the same way! I think people tend to not want to rock the boat at work and just try to get on with their colleagues as much as possible, even if they don’t like them. Give it time, you will find that others see through her the way that you do!

BumbleBeee69 · 04/03/2020 00:31

Stay clear... screw the lunches... just stay well clear... this will implode. 🌺

katy1213 · 04/03/2020 01:22

You sound very silly. Is she supposed to ask your permission before she lunches with anyone? As for being with 'all the guys' - are you jealous?

CJsGoldfish · 04/03/2020 02:00

Are you sure you're not just put out that the others seem to like her OP? Do you feel she's unsurped your position in the 'girl group'?

I'm not sure you are objective in the way you describe things so my only advice is to just be careful. Don't let your own insecurities taint your work environment.
If she's as bad as you perceive her to be, it will all come to light. If not, don't make it worse for yourself

DropYourSword · 04/03/2020 02:48

I think you sound a little overinvested in the things that don’t directly impact you or have anything really to do you with.
Stay professional towards her and keep your distance. Don’t get involved in any of the other stuff.

Beautiful3 · 04/03/2020 03:47

Stay away. Be professional. Dont bother with the lunches. Avoid chats with her. Others will see the same, just give it time.

Toomanygerbils · 04/03/2020 04:04

I would do your job and ignore her, it’s her managers responsibility not yours to monitor what she does and if it impacts on her job. You need to stay out of. If you feel bullied or harassed then that is different, you should make a formal complaint. If you feel she’s not pulling her weight work wise then again raise it with your manager with specific examples. If you are just concerned she’s stealing your work friends then there’s nothing you can do about that

vhs95 · 04/03/2020 05:14

Keep your distance, keep an official record of anything you class as bullying or against the company and wait for it to go horribly wrong for her. Try not to get involved in petty exchanges with her (they may be used against you in idle chat to the others) but smile sweetly and ignore her. She is toxic.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 04/03/2020 05:34

Bbpet Oh yes it must be BPD. Confused

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/03/2020 05:35

Yeah keep your distance from this one. A friendship with her will do you no favours.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 04/03/2020 05:36

This sounds like a playground. Maybe working with adults would help.

What an unnecessarily unpleasant response. It does sound like a playground, but that's hardly the OP's fault, is it?

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 04/03/2020 05:40

Guard yourself from her. Don't share too much personal information - she sounds like the type who will use it against you. Don't be tempted to try and befriend her in the hope that she will be nicer. She'll just end up being one of 'those' friends, who is never happy unless she's subtly undermining other women.

Try to stay calm and inwardly count to 10 when she's snappy for no reason. Learn a few assetiveness techniques but don't allow yourself to become embroiled in slanging matches or tit for tat nonsense.

Stay professional, stay calm. Others will see through her soon enough.