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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think why did this couple just get married

316 replies

Gin96 · 03/03/2020 06:18

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51676780

OP posts:
Gin96 · 04/03/2020 06:14

It maybe old fashioned but it is how law stands for a married couple. You don’t pay inheritance tax when your partner dies, you will get £10000 bereavement payments from the state. All assets and money are automatically transferred to the other partner. None of this applies if you’re not married, worth thinking about. Marriage isn’t for everyone, some women it would unwise to get married. Every woman should know the facts and then decide.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 04/03/2020 06:21

Marriage or civil partnership is a legal document setting up life together, you get benefits for sealing a partnership, including tax relief and benefits after death

Pop along to the registry office and get a civil partnership sorted if you don’t want to get married

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 09:57

Good lord, some of the old fashioned views on here! "Women having children with a man they are not married to just gives me the rage", people assuming it's always the man who's reluctant to marry, etc, etc. Wow. Just wow.

Yes, how very old fashioned- wanting women to secure themselves financially before making themselves vulnerable by having children, reducing their income, career prospects and pension funds.

prh47bridge · 04/03/2020 10:06

And it is very unsatisfactory that the Supreme Court have made rulings but nothing has been done

Yes, but it is also very unsatisfactory that the Supreme Court made a ruling on this matter that clearly goes against decisions by the European Court of Human Rights, which is supposed to be the superior court on human rights issues.

Gin96 · 04/03/2020 10:22

I agree but the rules are rules which haven’t been changed yet so please make sure you know what the legalities are. You will also pay a lot of tax even if you have a will in place if you are not married, someone put up a very good link earlier in the thread. I have had financial advice recently and it is very enlightening.

OP posts:
AnuvvaMuvva · 04/03/2020 10:32

Some men won't marry their partners. By the time the woman has had children with him and realised he won't change his mind, it's too late.

That's why marriage is an outdated concept. It doesn't work. Because too much power rests in the hands of one half of a partnership.

Whoever stays at home with the kids is immediately at a disadvantage.

I think any couple who have children and live together, should receive the same rights as married couples do currently.

I'm not skating you personally, but your argument is nuts! You act like women are powerless. In fact, women hold ALL the strings but often are too scared to pull them.

For example, if women don't want to end up in this situation, I'd tell them:

  • Don't move in with a man who hasn't proposed and booked a wedding;
  • Don't have sex with a man who isn't committed to you;
  • Don't stay with a man who won't marry you;
  • Don't encourage your friends to move in with men they're not married to;
  • Don't give up your job to raise kids with a man you're not married to.

It's not rocket science. But it's a trade off. No you can't get the financial benefits/security of marriage with any old bloke who agrees to shack up with you so you'll hope he'll commit one day. So stop giving uncommitted blokes the emotional/sexual benefits of being a husband before they've actually become a husband.

Yes it's old fashioned but maybe some old-fashioned beliefs protected us more than we realised.

MarchDaffs · 04/03/2020 10:36

Which all furthers the point that the legal landscape can be legitimately confusing to lay people prh.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 10:48

Some men won't marry their partners. By the time the woman has had children with him and realised he won't change his mind, it's too late.

Only because she decided to have his child anyway! If the legal protections granted by marriage are important to you then why would you have a child before securing them? And if you do then that’s a choice you made. It’s not something that happened to you. Children don’t just happen to you without any choice on your part. It’s a choice to have them and it’s up to you to decide if the legal situation you’re having them in is what you want. If it isn’t then don’t have them until you have secured the legal protections you want.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 10:49

And before anyone says it I’m talking about normal healthy relationships. An abusive relationship is a different kettle of fish.

Noodlenosefraggle · 04/03/2020 12:44

Only because she decided to have his child anyway
This. If more women said 'fine, I'll find someone who wants to marry me' or has a child but makes sure they are financially as independent as they can be, and gives the child their surname, not that of the father, the sooner either the men will commit or the women will be able to work out who is committed to them and who isn't. Too many women give away their power because they believe fairytale Disney bullshit. Men don't on the whole.

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2020 12:55

I am desperately against marriage for feminist and atheist reasons, it's a core belief of mine.

Then my partner of 14 years was diagnosed suddenly with terminal illness whilst I was pregnant with second DD. We got married in ICU mainly so I'd be able to put his name on birth certificate, I didn't know about widowed parents allowance at the time.

I had the chance to protect my family through a very hastily arranged marriage that only lasted 16 days. The poor lady in the article did not.

Society is broken. Stop bloody judging her/them.

I will never marry again as I still think marriage is outdated bollocks.

Gin96 · 04/03/2020 13:27

@Grobagsforever I’m sorry for your loss xx I’m not judging, I just want to make people aware of the legalities if you are not married.

OP posts:
Noodlenosefraggle · 04/03/2020 13:29

Nobody is judging. Just saying that the rights of people who dont want the 'benefits' of marriage shouldn't have it forced on them by default. You should always have to make a positive decision to enter into a serious contract. Now we have civil partnerships people could have that, or they could just be aware of what happens if they dont get married and put in place their own protections. The problems happen when people (mainly women) believe everything some bloke tells them about marriage without doing her own research. If neither partner wants to get married and they put in place wills and insurance then its nobody's business what they do.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 15:19

I’m sorry for your loss grobags

I do think your situation is a great example actually of how when it comes down to it people do value the legal benefits/protections granted by marriage even if they don’t buy into the idea of being married itself. You say yourself you are desperately against marriage to the extent that it is a core belief of yours, and yet when faced with being left without the things marriage granted to access to- you chose marriage. That’s how important those things are. If someone with your fixed beliefs can recognise that and put the legal protections for their family first then there really is no excuse for others who have children and want the same protections to stubbornly refuse and then complain they don’t have access to those benefits/protections.

waterbottle12 · 04/03/2020 21:12

I am desperately against marriage for feminist and atheist reasons, it's a core belief of mine

what bull. any reference to religion is banned in a registry office. And how is it anti-feminist to get married when most of the time it is the woman who gets screwed by a partner (not husband) leaving?

ChanklyBore · 04/03/2020 21:25

Children kind of did happen to me without any choice on my part. The first one did, anyway. Second one, I chose to have. But I accept that isn’t the norm.

I wold be worse off married. Divorces aren’t free, either. They can be hideously expensive.

I understand many women are or would be protected by marriage for some portion of their lives. There are also many men protected, and also many people who are worse off in death or divorce by the marriage vows. It’s important to know which you are, but it’s also important not to make sweeping statements like women shouldn’t have children with someone they aren’t married to. You have no idea what’s going on with them.

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2020 21:36

@Juan - I didn't want or need the protections of marriage. I ONLY got married because we have a Victorian, misogynist law in this country stating women cannot name a dead parent as the father, without a marriage certificate, even though I already had one DD registered as his.

I don't believe in marriage, I kept my career and didn't need the so called financial protection. All assets were joint.

An outdated law forced me to make a decision that contradicted my core beliefs at a time when my partner was dying.

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2020 21:39

@waterbottle12 - how incredibly rude you are. Are you always so ignorant? How dare you call my beliefs 'bull'.

Marriage is an institution that originated in the church. If you bothered to do your research you'd find married women are less happy than single women. Marriage lulls women into giving up their independence. These are my views, they are founded on careful thought and research and I'll thank you not to insult me.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 21:49

I didn't want or need the protections of marriage. I ONLY got married because we have a Victorian, misogynist law in this country stating women cannot name a dead parent as the father, without a marriage certificate

Your previous post seemed to imply this wasn’t the only reason.

We got married in ICU mainly so I'd be able to put his name on birth certificate

What was/were the other reason(s)?

I had the chance to protect my family through a very hastily arranged marriage that only lasted 16 days.

What was the protection you gained that you mention here?

Alsohuman · 04/03/2020 22:11

I think bullying a widowed woman is in pretty poor taste. Please stop. So sorry @Grobagsforever, you don’t deserve this. 💐

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 22:13

Is that directed at me?

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/03/2020 22:21

If more women said 'fine, I'll find someone who wants to marry me

Why do you think it is the woman who has this need to get married and is running around like some Victorian spinster trying to find someone to marry them.

Dp would love to get married. For me I don’t want to.
Seen how many people rely on the so called protection marriage gives only to see it disappear in a sea of solicitors bills and court fees

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2020 22:32

@JuanSheetIsPlenty - The only reason was the birth certificate.

I didn't know about widowed parents allowance. So yes, the marriage did give me that. But that wasn't why I did it and I wouldn't marry for that reason. And, as it happens I don't NEED the widowed parents allowance anyway. I was lucky, I never allowed myself to rely on a man and I out earned my husband.

The fact you are so spiteful in your tone suggests an unhappiness or insecurity with your own circumstances.

I'm at peace with every decision I made and stand by them. Nothing to hide.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/03/2020 22:37

Spiteful? Confused I haven’t been spiteful at all. I’ll step away from engaging with you if that’s ok grobags. My posts clearly aren’t being interpreted as they are intended. There is absolutely no spite (or bullying!! Hmm) intended in my posts.

Grobagsforever · 04/03/2020 23:01

@JuanSheetIsPlenty ah I muddled your posts with @waterbottles12 very rude and spiteful one.

I'm so sorry! Too late, too tired