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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling children I’m dating but not introduce them

17 replies

BettyBo33 · 02/03/2020 23:28

Wondering how everyone else went about this if you’ve been in the same situation? There’s a lot out there about how long to wait before introducing your children to your new partner but nothing about if you should be telling your kids you’re dating someone (but not introduce just yet) Been separated and single 18 months. Kids are 16,12 and 9. I’ve been seeing someone since the start of the year but the children aren’t aware. It’s early days and I don’t want to rush things but I do see it going somewhere. Would you tell your kids you are seeing someone or would you wait until you’re ready to introduce them? I feel guilty that I’m not being honest with them, but then think it's best to wait and see how things go a bit longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyBo33 · 03/03/2020 12:37

Bump

OP posts:

Fluffybutter · 03/03/2020 12:42

I think you should tell them just so they can be prepared for when you are ready for them to meet . That way it won’t be too much in one go ?
Don’t really have much experience as my ds was only just turned 4 when he met my now dh so not very much understanding on ds’s part at the time

PumpkinP · 03/03/2020 12:51

interesting, it’s something I’ve never even thought about. I can see why you would maybe just tell them so it’s not a big surprise when it comes to meeting? But then again I wouldn’t want to tell them and then it doesn’t work out so you have to tell them you are not dating anymore? I think that’s why people wait, I think it’s still early days so I would wait abit longer.

questionzzz · 03/03/2020 12:56

Hi I was in similar situation with kids aged 13/14 and 16/17 when i started dating and it became serious. I thought about it and discussed with my poor friends a lot-esp. as my kids had been really hurt by their father and had/have abandonment issues, I waited for almost a year before telling them and introducing them in one go. I think it would have been too stressful to just tell them "I'm dating" without telling them "who". If you just tell them "I'm dating", it'd be like they're just waiting for the next step.

It hasn't been easy, especially DD17 acts up a lot. I haven't been able to (and tbh I don't really want to) "integrate" him in the household, having meals and stuff together. I just tell them oh I'm going out with bf a few hours and leave. Sometimes together we'll drive them around somewhere. They understand rationally and theretically that its good for me to have a partner who cares, but emotionally esp for DD it is hard to accept. It's worse because I am the lone parent (their father fucked off to another country) and we don't have a family here where we live- a great circle of friends and social supports tho'.

questionzzz · 03/03/2020 13:00

I would say two months is waaay too early to introduce. At a court-run mandatory parenting session all divorcing parents have to do in our area, we were told that 6 months is a reasonable timeframe to wait and introduce your new partner.

questionzzz · 03/03/2020 13:02

Mind you, one of my single mom friends introduced her new bf by the first month, and had moved in and was pregnant by 6 months, so there's no hard and fast rule. I think, counter-intuitively, this is actually one of those scenarios where the younger the kids are, the easier it is.

opticaldelusion · 03/03/2020 13:10

It's mumsnet. You have to know someone approximately five years before you even let them in the house (and only by appointment) let alone introduce them to your kids. So maybe a decade? Once you've filed a Sarah's Law/Clare's Law application, run a DBS check and had them trailed by a private detective for a year of course...

carly2803 · 03/03/2020 14:08

i think 2 months is a bit quick to introduce someone. I think planting the idea in their head that mums dating isnt a bad thing though?

let them come to you with questions?

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 03/03/2020 14:29

I started dating when my DS was about 7 and always told him about it (in a child-appropriate way!) Part of the reasoning was that I didn't want to lie to him so if he asked what I did at the weekend while he was at his dad's, I wanted to be able to give him an honest answer.

My bigger reason was that I didn't want to get to the point where I'd suddenly be introducing someone into his life, with him having no prior knowledge of it. It seemed better to gradually introduce the idea of me getting to know someone.

When I met DP about 3.5 years ago, via OLD, I told DS about him. They met after about 6 months, then didn't see each other again for about a month (not by design, just how things worked out!), then gradually got into a pattern.

DP moved in about 6 months ago and it's all going swimmingly so far! DP and DS get on really well. DS has never been bothered by DP being there...in fact he always used to ask when he was coming back!

I do think it depends on the age and temperament of the child/ren involved though...older children and teenagers might be more resistant to a new relationship and I think it also depends on their relationship with the other parent.

Shaminon · 03/03/2020 14:45

I wouldn't mention it personally until I was ready to introduce him because he was someone I trusted and could see a future with - so probably about 9 months. It depends if you feel you will be 'lying' to your teenage dc though. However.... I don't think any child particularly wants to hear their mum is 'dating' because of the uncertainty involved. So on balance, I would wait.

rattusrattus20 · 03/03/2020 15:00

I think the 6 months rule of thumb listed above is pretty sensible.

But in general, telling your kids that you're 'dating'/letting them meet your new partner, etc, isn't all that big a deal IMO, but moving a partner in/with a partner, is a super-serious step if it means that the new partner is going to become a father figure of sorts, & should only be done if you're as certain as you can be... e.g. my sister's son [aged now 16/17] has over time lived with three seperate 'fathers' [two step-, obviously] and i can't help but feel that it's had a poor impact on him developmentally.

questionzzz · 03/03/2020 16:54

IME, the problem with teenagers is not the uncertainty, as such, but the grossness factor (ick! mom's out having sex!) and then the jealousy/attention factor- the fear that mom is going to pay more attention to this random dude. I had/have to deal with both of these daily.

One of these fears is more valid, sadly enough, than the other. There are plenty of stories floating about how children feel unwelcome in their own home once mom starts dating. That is something I actively try to combat and not let them feel. Eg I always make sure they have a proper meal, their homework is done, they don't need any drives or anything before I go out. The other one, the grossness factor, just can't be helped. They need to realise moms' are also allowed to have a sex / private life, and not to think (or worry) about it, and not to ask intrusve questions.

It's a daily struggle though. Especialy since, as people are wont, we have become more attached and would liek to spend more time together, but it's just not possible.

questionzzz · 03/03/2020 17:00

Oh and another pro tip: don't watch David Copperfield with them during the "troduction" stage !!!!! rookie mistake!

JRUIN · 03/03/2020 17:07

If you see your relationship going somewhere I see no reason not to tell your kids that you are seeing someone OP. I would leave it a good 6 months before introducing them though.

Original poster

BettyBo33 · 03/03/2020 18:13

Thanks all.

I might have been misunderstood by some. I’m not interested in introducing the kids and new partner anytime soon. And when I meant dating I meant with this one person..not on the dating scene.

I like the idea of telling them I’m seeing someone and then let them ask Qs. Be able to say I going to see.... If and when I go out with him. Instead of making something up.

I think it’s probably too early for any of the above and will wait a bit longer and see how things are.

OP posts:

Isthistrueor · 03/03/2020 18:14

There’s not much point in telling them really although the older two are old enough to deal with the info I guess. Wait at least six months to introduce, the longer the better though really.

GreasyFryUp · 03/03/2020 19:23

I'd tell them you have met someone and are seeing them but keep it low key. As you mentioned, wait for them to ask questions.

I disagree with posters that think you should wait until you are serious before introducing a boyfriend. You've met someone, you enjoy spending time with them, you are just seeing where it goes. If it doesn't work out they need to see that the world doesn't end.

Don't make it a big deal. Let the relationship grow on them too. If it doesn't work out explain why so that they can cope in their relationships. Don't wait until it's really serious and then present them with a fait accompli....

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