walking on eggshells - stepdaughter! 😢

[ralph90]

Hi ,

My husband and I are having real trouble with his daughter. To cut a long story short, my husband separated from his daughter’s mum when she was about 8 months old. He has always had regular contact with her, despite him working away and her living quite a way away. Up until about 2 and half years ago , they had a great relationship. However , in the last couple of years she has become incredibly troubled - she refuses to go to school; lies about many things, including family members ( she later admits that she does it for ‘fun’), she been quite aggressive to our niece and dog and has hit her mum and trashed her mums house and ours. She has also been admitted to hospital twice for taking tablets - and in her own words ‘ it was for a laugh’. Obviously it is such a worry and a concern, social services have been involved for a while and remain involved , especially as she’s displaying very troubling behaviour. She has refused seeing a counsellor and when she’s been spoken to, she doesn’t think her behaviour is wrong in any way. She is repeatedly told how loved she is and that she has everyone around her , but she she seems to get a buzz out of drama and the social worker has said in the past that she has sociopathic characteristics. Although she’s not biologically my daughter, I wouldn’t want any child to be in trouble or feel bad in anyway. However it’s got to a point where I feel like there is absolutely nothing that is working to move this situation forward for the better. I am worried about being around her , due to her past behaviour and even more so since I’ve recently had a baby. I wouldn’t trust her to be around us at all. I appreciate that it’s incredibly difficult for my husband and I’ve never stopped him seeing her , in fact I encourage them to have a relationship, but it’s getting to a point where I feel like our life is being dictated by her erratic behaviour. She is clearly in need of attention and appropriate help, but I literally feel like we keep hitting brick walls and we are at a loss of what to do next. She’s seeing my husband in the next few days and he’s going to try to have some quality time with her, despite her refusing to see him for a long time , to then change her mind last minute and think it’s a game. I will be taking my baby away for a few days , so they can have some personal time and try to work on their relationship. However , I am so so worried and not sleeping as I feel like we walk on egg shells all the time. It’s having an impact on our relationship, wellbeing etc and like I said, I want nothing more than for her to be okay and to start behaving well, but there needs to be a way of getting to the root cause and to help her in some way - even though she’s refusing help at the moment. I just feel that for so many years we’ve been at the dictation of her , but I simply can’t do it anymore and would love some advice on what to do next. I’m supportive of how my husband and his ex co parent, but there needs to be other options we haven’t explored. As strong as we are as a couple, I just feel that it is really starting to take its toll and having a young baby is making it all that harder. I’m absolutely at a loss and would love your advice. Every child should know how loved they are - and she is. But I can’t take much more of her behaviour and her controlling, manipulative behaviour. Any advice or PAst experience would be gratefully welcomed!

If she genuinely has sociopathic tendencies (which it does sound like might be true, but obviously can't diagnose someone without the proper conversations) she needs professional help.
Manipulation is very much a problem with this sort of personality disorder and she needs help to learn how to manage her behavior.

Letting her know she is loved is not gonna cut it. Obviously you shouldn't stop this, but if she has sociopathic tendencies that have started in later life it is most likely a product of her upbringing and she needs help to tackle that as well.

Her need for attention is a cry for help, even though she might laugh it off as a joke. Her actions should be dealth with in a proper way with appropriate consequences, but it also needs to be remembered that she is a child with problems that she herself doesn't have the ability or insight to manage.

My best advice is to push for her to get help. I know it might not be easy and IT really sounds like you are taking it very serious and doing what you can to help - I really commend you for that - it is not easy.

Her parents need to stand together and get through to her somehow and get her the help she needs (which in turn would help you).

What is your husband's understanding of the situation? Is he understanding of the fact that she needs to get professional help?

Thank you so much for your reply. You are absolutely right. She does need proper help. The issue is that my husband and his ex aren’t great at communicating. I’m a very proactive person and I have been to many of the social services meetings etc, but between them, they appear to be burying their heads in the sand and are just ‘seeing how things go’. This has caused rifts between my husband and I , as I think they both need to be doing more, but I also don’t think it’s my place . I’ve offered suggestions, for contacts and research etc, but unless they want to embrace that, it won’t make any difference. I feel completely redundant but totally aware she needs help. On the flip side I’m incredible anxious about the impact she is having on me, my husband and baby. Thus far, my little one is absolutely fine etc but I find myself taking us both out the picture when they see each other as I don’t trust her and simply don’t want her influence on us. She’s a child and she needs help, that’s for sure. But I also need to protect myself and my little one - especially because she’s been known to lie, manipulate and be aggressive in the past. I feel totally at. A loss, as I have no control on the situation, even though it’s hugely affecting me. I simply can’t have her potentially harm my baby, me . My career etc. I feel as though I am coming across selfish, as ultimately she is clearly in need of help and is a priority. But I also have to take a back step and ultimately I am a mum and I will do anything to protect my baby. Does that make sense? I don’t know where I stand with what to do now? The social worker won’t disclose anything to me as I’m not a parent and the ex doesn’t want me involved with anything. Ultimately I know it’s down to my husband and my ex communicating with people, but unfortunately as they aren’t doing so, it leaves me in a very awkward and very vulnerable position. Any ideas of what to do next? Xx

You sound lovely and I feel for you. But basically if the parents don't take action, push for help it isn't going to happen.
It feels like you're waiting for one of us to say yes, your child is in danger, so x y and z comes into effect. I'm really sorry but it doesn't. Kids with issues like your StepD can affect/put in danger their siblings even if parents are together.
I think you need to get tough. Your DH needs to realise he can't put his kids at risk - one at risk from being hurt, one at risk of causing hurt. It's equally unfair to both. He has to push for help and encourage his ex to do so to. Waiting to see if she gets better is shit.
But them I'm afraid you have to protect your child. I've adopted and she is violent to my older birth child. They can never be left alone together and he has a playroom to escape from her. We spend time 1:1 with the kids and have to ruthlessly divide up our time to keep them apart. This is truly awful. But needs must. It doesn't mean you can't grieve for the family life you thought you'd have but the magic instant solution just isn't there.

How old is she, OP?

Hi, thanks for the messages. I completely get that it’s the parents and essentially I will never put my baby at any risk. She’s 14 and she definitely needs help. I will try to talk to Hubby again after the weekend and see if we can get things moving . Regardless of his relationship with his ex , they are both parents at the end of the day and it needs to come to them. I just feel like it’s me and baby at the moment and that’s the only thing I have control over at the moment x

You sound very concerned and wanting the best for her but if the parents aren’t pro active she’s not going to get help.
My DPs exW is like this, they have a difficult DD and she just threatens to throw her out or demands he picks her up but nobody is actually doing anything and it’s ridiculous & sad for the girl.

Why did your DH move away from her when she was tiny?

Obviously your DSD requires a great deal of intensive parenting right now, so your DH certainly can't walk away from that obligation. Is that compatble to his obligation to your DC? I don't know. I agree that you need to take steps to provide a normal, loving family life for your new DC. What that means in practice, and whether it is with your DH or not, I don't know...

You sound absolutely lovely and like you are doing everything in your power to help her. The problem is that legally you can't really do anything. It needs to be her parents that take charge and get her the help she needs.

My best advice in your case is to persuade your husband to do something. He needs to - she needs the help and so do you and your child. It is not fair for her behavioral problems to affect you in such a way that you feel unsafe for yourself and your child - that stress is unhealthy for anyone.
And you most certainly don't sound selfish at all! You sound very concerned for both her, your child and yourself.
Don't feel bad for demanding help for her and yourself!

What might help is showing your husband information regarding help for children in her situation. Just to clarify - if a child is under 18 they should not be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, but rather as having conduct disorder.
The best you can do in your position is to learn as much as you can about conduct behavior and show your husband expert opinions on how to help a child with these problems.
I have found a couple of links (a US link and UK link) which might help with an overview of what it is and how you as a parent can help.

www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=conduct-disorder-90-P02560

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/new-guidelines-on-child-antisocial-behaviour/

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/child-adolescents/emotional-and-behavioural-support-for-children-and-teenagers/support-with-conduct-disorders-in-children

Good advice above. In the mean time do not allow her around your baby. And it's ok to feel that way. She is a child but a dangerous one and your baby is your priority. It sounds like there is a serious issue which her parents are finding tough to deal with. They need to get help for her asap.

Has she been referred to CAMHS? If not, could this be pushed for?
“For a laugh” is teenage bravado. She’s struggling and needs help. Good for you for standing up for her!

She needs to see a child psychiatrist for a proper consult. When it's his contact time he should just take her. She needs help.

You're going to have to take a giant step back if your marriage is to survive. If he wants to talk about her fine. You can make supportive noises. Set your boundaries and keep them. If that means you take the baby away every time she comes then so be it.

Good luck Op. That's a hard situation.

If she actually is a sociopath, there's absolutely nothing anyone can do to change that. There's no cure, just managing it.

Hi All, thanks for your comments.
I’ve actually had a really productive chat with Hubby today. After telling him that he needs to communicate with his ex effectively, they have spoken and he has just told me that both his daughter and his ex are doing for family counselling. His daughter isn’t very forthcoming, but it’s a start as she didn’t engage at all when it was arrange last time. They have suggested approaching her carefully when people speak to her and not be too harsh - so I think he is going to try that approach - it’s a hard one because she’s done so many things! CAMHS are involved , but to what extent, I personally don’t know - I’ve told him to contact her Social Worker ASAP for an update, as like I’ve said , the communication has been patchy between him and his ex. She needs discipline, routine etc and I’ve suggested that after this weekend , they pen in a date for their next contact, so that everyone knows what they are doing. I am taking a step back in the sense I need to protect myself and my little one, but at the same time, I’m finding it so difficult as even though it’s affecting me , I have no control in the situation. I’m just going to get clued up on what support etc it out there and also talk to my local social worker who runs the baby group that I go to , just to try to get my head around it. I’m really struggling and I can feel myself getting more and more anxious , as I know that everyone is worried about her, but I’ve seen her social media page and everything seems to be a joke for her. I know someone said it’s a cry for help, which it may well be, but I feel very torn between wanting to be their for my husband , yet also feeling incredibly saddened and actually quite apprehensive of the damage that is being done. I knew that he had a child when I met him and I know that life isn’t perfect , but it’s really taking a toll. I feel like I’m going through the mill and not really having much input to what happens. I just hope that both parents start being more proactive. Thank goodness for my little one - the cuddles we have had this week have helped me more than he will ever know! I feel awful for being angry and resentful at a child - I work with children and I’m very maternal and empathetic, but it’s really having an impact and an impact which I find hard explaining to my hubby , as I completely understand that he has an obligation ( and quite rightly so) and also unconditional love for her. From my perspective a lot of damage has been done to me and my family over the years because oF this and although ultimately yes she is the child and she clearly needs help , it angers me that she can manipulate situations and affect people so much. I don’t know - just feeling very lost at the moment! Thank you for your comments . I can’t wait for the weekend to be over and I can be back in my own home :) x

You probably need some counselling for yourself. It's not really appropriate to heave it all on your husband as he's in an impossible situation and he needs to focus on his daughter.

I completely get he’s in an impossible situation- doesn’t make it any easier. I’m not heaving it onto my husband , I’m just doing what I need to do to protect me and my child. He knows I’m supportive of him and have been there for him at his darkest moments with all of this. I’ve sat in social services meetings and have spoke up about getting her the help she needs etc. I’m just saying that it’s hard.

Thank you @Justthoughts for your helpful links. Xxx