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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU

18 replies

Rayshine13 · 02/03/2020 21:15

This is going to be a long rant. Sorry in advance. So for my birthday a few days back, DH got me an expensive gift which is not of much use to me( if you are curious it’s a Dyson hair styler which costed about 400 quids😐) . Now for starters I don’t style my hair much and these past 2 months has been particularly tough in term of finances due to some unexpected expenses. So I was upset with the gift nevertheless and told him to return it( 400 is a lot of money). All I wanted was a cake to cut and a small gift( just a top or something like that). To be fair on his part, I was a bit grumpy on that day and Fought with him for buying it, but by the end of the day I was happy he took the effort and reconciled with him . But he took it upon himself to make it up to me and arranged a surprise lunch with my family( cousins). When I came to know of this I told him to cancel it because lunch for 15 people is going to cost and I am a bit awkward when it comes to celebrating anything for myself. DH knows it well I don’t like this . If I hadn’t known of his plan I would have gone and enjoyed it nevertheless. But since I came to know of it I was protesting a bit.

My family whom I am very close with was planning to have a small celebration for myself and my sister that evening in my cousins house after the planned lunch which I had no idea of ( I was thinking it was just for my sister) So everything was going according to the plan and we were about to leave when my brother informed my husband that few people couldn’t come to the lunch and can we have it another day instead. All hell broke loose after that as my husband got really mad at me telling that my family doesn’t respect him and we are not going anywhere and forbid me from going to my sisters house .
Everyone in my family was upset because they planned everything and was expecting me there. We had a big argument with name calling and etc which obviously reduced me to tears! So everything related to my birthday turned out to be crappy.He told me we won’t go to anyone’s house henceforth.
I haven’t spoken to him since and he didn’t apologise to me till now .
To be honest if I had known my family was planning this, I would have told them not to do anything. But I love spending time with my family since we don’t live close to them and don’t see each other often.If our finances were ok I wouldn’t mind taking everyone to lunch if that matters
AIBU for being mad at him for spoiling my day and telling me not to see my family ?!

OP posts:

Leaannb · 02/03/2020 21:18

Your dh is a twat waffle

GrumpysOtherHalf · 02/03/2020 21:23

It's not up to your husband whether or not you go and see your family. Pander to that once and it'll occur again and again

cliodh · 02/03/2020 21:54

What @Leaannb said.
Happy birthday

7yo7yo · 02/03/2020 21:56

He sounds obtuse and you sound ungrateful.

slashlover · 02/03/2020 22:06

There's no way he should have forbid you but

He got you a present and you complained
He tried to organise a meal and you complained
Your brother tied to rearrange the lunch

I'm confused about the timeline, was the lunch cancelled? If so, then why would your brother inform your DH to change the date? When did you find out your family had planned something?

Gazelda · 02/03/2020 22:15

I can see why your DH might have felt hurt. And second best. And his efforts rejected.

But how bloody dare he try to ban you from anything? And then sulk for days?

To be honest, I think you were ungrateful and rejected his efforts to mark your birthday. But his behaviour over the party could be described as controlling/bullying.

Original poster

Rayshine13 · 02/03/2020 22:32

@slashlover lunch and party both were supposed to be yesterday. Party in the evening following lunch. Some of them said they couldn’t make it because baking cake and preparing food for party was taking longer and they thought since we have party in the evening can’t we reschedule the lunch for another day. So lunch was cancelled. DH decided if his thing was not gonna happen I shouldn’t go for the party they organised.

OP posts:

june2007 · 02/03/2020 22:39

Why did they all agree to a lunch if they were doing a party in the evening, and then cancel?

slashlover · 02/03/2020 22:44

So he tried to organise a nice present and you moaned about it, he tried to organise a nice lunch and you moaned about it and then your family decided they weren't showing up just as you were leaving?

Everyone in my family was upset because they planned everything and was expecting me there.

Your DH was upset because he planned something and was expecting your family to be there. His reaction was OTT but I would have been annoyed too if I was him.

Poptart4 · 02/03/2020 22:50

He was wrong to forbid you from seeing your family. Is he usually this controlling or was this a once off in the heat of an argument?

I can understand his frustration as you complained and rejected all of his efforts to celebrate your birthday. You do sound very ungrateful to be fair.

simplekindoflife · 02/03/2020 22:53

You both sound like absolute nightmares!

drinkygin · 02/03/2020 22:56

Sorry you sound really ungrateful and unkind. Your husband tried to arrange some lovely birthday surprises and had it completely thrown in his face. Who the hell is your brother to rearrange it?! I feel sorry for your husband who made a lot of effort.

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2020 23:05

I think you and your family were out of order.

You say you love your family, but didn't want your DH to arrange lunch with them all? That doesn't make sense.

Who decided on the party that night? It does sound as though you and your family want to piss on his chips, every chance that you get.

SuburbanFraggle · 02/03/2020 23:06

A lovely birthday gift which is outside their budget is no fun and is the opposite of thoughtful.

Chloemol · 02/03/2020 23:11

Sorry but see it from his point of view. He got you a present, you didn’t like it and asked him to return it. He does so and sets up a nice lunch for you and your family, and you tell him to cancel that. Then icing on the cake after you then saying you would go is your family backing out of his present to you. Just to bake a cake! You sound very ungrateful and your family don’t sound nice either when baking a cake is more important than attending a meal your husband has arranged for you. I don’t blame him for stopping you going

LaurieFairyCake · 02/03/2020 23:15

I don't think it sounds like your family respect your DH at ALL

I would ignore the 'forbidding' - it's just an overreaction and focus on the fact your dh tried to do something nice and your family scuppered it

That's not ok

k1233 · 02/03/2020 23:20

Ol, you couldn't do the lunch for 15 people and were complaining about it, but the same people going to a party arranged by your family is ok?? I can see why he's pissed off. Nothing he did was right, you complained about everything. Don't be surprised if he makes no effort next year - really, why would he bother.

To forbid you doing things and seeing people is not acceptable.

Original poster

Rayshine13 · 02/03/2020 23:50

Like I said party was not just for me. It was for both me and my sisters birthday( her birthday is 2 days after mine)This was organised long back( nearly 10 days ago). Husbands lunch plan was made 2 days back.

I was moaning for the gift and lunch only because of our current financial situation. Can’t afford to spent 300 to 400 quid this month due to a trip . This would mean we will struggle by the month end and Will end up taking overdraft or borrowing which I am against. And to be clear I knew my husband might try and buy something expensive , so I told him days leading to my birthday not to buy anything expensive just to do something small.

OP posts:

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