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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to go on family holiday

21 replies

InsanePlainJane · 02/03/2020 19:05

I've NC for this and I think I have a family member on here so a bit worried it will be very outing.

My DM has a big birthday this year, and has booked a holiday for us to go on; her, me and my kids, my sibling, spouse and their kids. She is paying for it all.

DM and I have had a big spat recently; she is still very close to my ExH and recently has been seeing the kids when they are with him and sending me photos of it. I told her I found this very hurtful. She has apologised but this is the straw that broke the camel's back and I have had enough.

The holiday is booked and she has paid the deposit but not the full balance. I don't know what to do. Even when we are on good terms we have a difficult relationship. I might have been able to get through it if my partner were going (and this isn't a dig about that, she's paying so she is entitled to invite who she likes, and she hasn't invited my partner), but as he isn't I don't know if I can spend a week with us all together.

I am reluctant to go into a full backstory, but in brief we have always had a difficult relationship and my ExH was EA too.

I don't want to go on the holiday, but I know I will be blamed for ruining everything if I don't go.

AIBU not to go? I would offer to pay any costs that have already been incurred so she is not out of pocket.

OP posts:

Firsttimemumofone · 02/03/2020 19:20

I can see why you would be annoyed at your DM. It is a little odd to go to the ExH to see the grandchildren, but then again she will possibly be blinded with love for them.
If I am honest - i would still go. It will be a nice get together and think of it as you're doing it for your children, who will no doubt have a whale of a time.
Take books etc to keep yourself busy if it all gets too much - but yes, I think I would probably go unless she has done something truly awful.

frazzledasarock · 02/03/2020 19:26

I wouldn’t go. Being trapped away from home in close proximity with someone I do not get along with is my idea of hell. And then you’ll also be beholden to her for going on holiday she’s paid for.

Original poster

InsanePlainJane · 02/03/2020 19:50

@Firsttimemumofone it's not something truly awful, just death by a thousand cuts.

@frazzledasarock I'm stuffed either way I think. If I don't go I'll be the terrible one who ruined her birthday. If I go I'll be held to ransom over it.

OP posts:

Mayhapitis · 02/03/2020 20:12

So he was abusive and she's maintained a friendship with him?

WildfirePonie · 02/03/2020 20:25

YANBU

You could say you don't want to travel due to coronavirus.

Leaannb · 02/03/2020 20:27

@InsanePlainJane A death by a thousand paper cuts is still pain and death. Don’t go

Flutteringsatlast · 02/03/2020 20:29

Your dm is so disloyal I am vexed for you!
Bow out now and she won't be wasting cash..
Likely she will be pd at you regardless of if you go /don't go anyway.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 02/03/2020 20:30

Going away for a week with my dm isn’t my idea of fun either however I’d suck it up and go. It’s a week out of your life versus a lifetime (hers at least) of hurt/anger at you refusing to go.

I wouldn’t use this as a way of making your point - presumably your dcs would be upset if they didn’t get to go too? It seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Herpesfreesince03 · 02/03/2020 20:33

If he was abusive then Yanbu. It’s despicable to think that she could maintain a relationship with someone who her her child and grandchildren, especially if you allow her access to the children yourself. If you broke up due to other differences then I’d see that as childish. As much as he may have hurt you (and got him), there is no reason for her not to maintain a relationship with the father of her grandchildren, especially as he’s apparently organising contact with her off his own back. I know a lot of divorced couples, not a single one though where the father made the effort to maintain the relationship between his children and in-laws. The photos could be seen as insensitive if you ended badly, but presumably she just wanted to show you the children were fine and having a lovely time with her despite the break up. Could you ask her to just stop sending photos?

Cherrysoup · 02/03/2020 20:34

Why on earth has she maintained a relationship with him knowing he was ea to you? I cannot understand this kind of behaviour. It’s like she doesn’t believe you or is saying it’s ok for him to to have been abusive to you.

Herpesfreesince03 · 02/03/2020 20:34

*hurt

AGoodPodcastAndANiceCupOfTea · 02/03/2020 20:36

You aren't responsible for her happiness and if it ruins it for her that you aren't there then she should have worked harder and been more loyal in order to get you there. I would not be able to tolerate her hanging out with an EA ex-h and I don't think that you are unreasonable to be very angry with her for this. She clearly isn't that concerned with your feelings so if it were me I'd be saying that I can't go.

In any case I have no trips booked at the current time and will not be booking any due the future due to Covid-19. I had a trip booked for within my country and I've cancelled that as well because I don't want to risk being quarantined in a flat that isn't my own dependent on strangers to have my needs and those of my dc met!
In your shoes I'd probably take the chicken way out and cancel because of the virus!

Herpesfreesince03 · 02/03/2020 20:38

@Mayhapitis it doesn’t say he was abusive. Just that they broke up and she keeps in contact with him as he lets her have the grandchildren. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s being disloyal to the op. They can all act like adults here

Mayhapitis · 02/03/2020 20:40

It says ExH was emotionally abusive in the OP.

Honeypickle · 02/03/2020 20:41

@Herpesfreesince03 the OP said he was emotionally abusive (EA).

Curiosity101 · 02/03/2020 20:43

Just a thought - could you pay for your partner to come along?

Flutteringsatlast · 02/03/2020 20:45

So sibling takes a spouse but you don't get a plus one +?
See she wants you unsupported /unguarded from her poison..

Butterymuffin · 02/03/2020 21:02

Could you book another room for your partner (I know, but at least then you're only paying for one...) where you're staying or somewhere nearby? That way your mum can't sabotage it, and he can be around to spend time with you.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 02/03/2020 21:05

Do you not read the news. You don’t want to travel with the corona virus going around. You don't want to risk being quarantined in a hotel. If that is the excuse you need, take it.

Original poster

InsanePlainJane · 03/03/2020 14:14

@Mayhapitis put it like this, it takes one to know one.

@GoodDogBellaBoo I am hoping that the coronavirus might be the way out of this, it seems the best option so far.

@Flutteringsatlast you are spot on with her being disloyal. I would out myself completely if I were to tell you what she said to me when I told her ExH and I were splitting up, but she has maintained a relationship with ExH throughout despite knowing details of what he has done (and has continued to do since we split).

Yes, I could suck it up and go for the sake of everyone else, but it would be sacrificing myself for the sake of everyone else which is what I've always done and I'm finally getting to the point of realising I don't have to keep doing that. I'm also trying to save the kids from a week of toxicity. The DC wouldn't care either way I doubt. We are planning a holiday in the summer and they are more excited about that than the holiday with granny.

OP posts:

makingmammaries · 03/03/2020 19:47

No, life’s too short to spend a week in what sounds like a very miserable environment. You need your mental health. I wouldn’t go.

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