To feel this way? *DV warning*

[Thesnowfellfast]

Posting here purely for traffic as my threads never seem to get much a of a response. I've name changed but have been a member of MN for a number of years- pombears, snapped and farted, etc etc.

I separated from my ex last year following his arrest for domestic abuse. It was all very sudden; a neighbour that reported an argument he overheard where ex made threats to kill me. Ex was very controlling and abused me in every sense of the word but I was just too terrified to leave.
After his arrest I fled. He had forced me to leave my career and work for him, so when he was released from custody I was served my p45. I had no money to my name as he had kept all of my money in an account I couldn't touch. I ended up signing a separation agreement that screwed me over out of sheer desperation to get some of my money back so that I could move on with our 2 very young DC.
I declined to make any complaint as I was terrified of the consequences. I played the abuse down to SS and other professionals but vowed never to go back.
I rent a house by myself with the DC in a nice area. I'm on UC but have secured a job working part time 3 days a week. It's a fairly decent job considering I have no formal qualifications in this field. I have a decent car to run around in, and the kids are always well fed, clean and presentable with nice clothes and they have plenty of toys etc.
Ex pays me £150 per month for both kids (total, not each). He sees them once a week for tea and EOWeekend.
He still tries to control me. He plays mind games. He criticizes the things I do and say to the kids, uses them to pass messages, uses drop offs and pick ups to have sly little digs. He increases and decreases contact all of the time, and chops and changes pre agreed dates and times so that I am incapable of keeping commitments. He refuses to have the DC extra during the holidays so I am left rooting the childcare bill. I somehow how to manage to pick the DC up at 5pm from school 9 miles from here I work where I finish work at 5pm. I have no family help as my DM still works 50 hours a week. I have no siblings and no close friends any more as he isolated me from them and they all disappeared. I have no one IRL who I can talk to about all of this.
I have done the freedom programme online as I don't have anyone to have the smallest DC during the day. I am on a waiting list for DA counselling but the usual wait is 12 months. I have also self referred to counselling. The freedom programme and reading Lundy Bancroft has made me relieve some horrific trauma that I suffered at the hands of that horrible man. Now that I'm allowed to feel my feelings I am overwhelmed. I am constantly anxious. I am having chest pains and panic attacks. I am terrified that I've made the wrong choice in returning to work whilst I still feel so incredibly broken. I'm lucky if I sleep 5 hours a night. I feel like ex is waiting for me to fuck up so he can swoop in and take the kids.
I just feel so desperately sad. This man stripped me down to the bare bones and dragged me down to my knees.
Nobody IRL that I speak to gets it as they haven't lived it. They aren't suffering the aftermath. They haven't been so mentally and emotionally scarred by someone who was supposed to love them that they cant even stand to look in the mirror any more.

Apologies for the long, whiney post. Just needed a place to let it all out.

Don’t apologise for getting it off your chest, ever. It’s hard and it takes time to move on from trauma like this, be kind to yourself. Time is a great healer in my experience but so is counselling so don’t give up on that. Have you been to the GP about the panic attacks? Please do. GP might be able to find another way to get the counselling you need as well.

How your ex abused you is no reflection on you, it’s a reflection on him. As far as contact goes, I would stick rigidly with an arrangement and never ask him to have them more, simply because it gives him that power over you, it’s another way to have control over you. He doesn’t get to change the days either. How do you communicate with him? Phone? Email? I have a cheap phone my ex is allowed to text me on rather than my usual number which I can then switch off any time I like. We also have a book that goes between houses to write in (he doesn’t bother though). This is so we don’t have to speak in person much at all. It helps me cope even in only a very small way.

What age is your youngest? Are they in nursery yet? If so look into whether you can look into the freedom project locally in a group, online is great but a group setting is invaluable to meet other survivors. Look up your local dv service and ring them, they can listen and help you build a safety plan which should include ways to help reduce his chance to carry on controlling you. Is contact court ordered? Consider saying no, if he says he can’t see them on his weekend do not let him bully you into rearranging, he misses out. If he rings you do not need to answer, shows up at the door, the same. Starts getting aggressive from the other side of a locked door, call 999.

You can do it and it does get easier. The biggest step was leaving in the first place.

My youngest is 2, extremely clingy and only just starting nursery this week so that I can go to work.
Contact is arranged between us as I downplayed the abuse to SS. I am seeing a solicitor this week to discuss my options.
He contacts me via WhatsApp and the eldest via messenger,but will often ring my phone. He hasn't been physical with me since I left but is always intimidating but not in a way that he actually commits any offences IYSWIM. I've been to the GP today and after having to explain myself to 2 different men, I ended up leaving with a box of ADs which I'm unsure whether I should take or not. I'm worried that ex will end up taking me to court for contact and trying to use this against me.
Everything seems too much at the moment and it always feels like he is there lurking waiting to ruin my life.

You have achieved so much, well done.

Of course you are overwhelmed, you've made massive and amazing changes.

Do you feel like you could chat to the domestic violence team in the police for advice. Or women's aid?

Your poor thing, first off let me tell you are amazing and brave, speaking to social services is terrifying but you need them to see you’re being the best parent and protecting them. When I was in the same situation I always terrified to tell anyone as I wasn’t believed as I had no physical signs I would have rather been beaten to a pulp so people could have seen the mind games and manipulation are awful as the abusers always makes everyone think they are perfect. I can only describe being trapped and the after as feeling like when someone dies, that awful feeling, panic, sadness and crying and inner turmoil of why this is happening to me.

Can you not get any court orders against him such as a non molestation so he has to behave himself or he’s liable for arrest as there has been DV?

I didn’t have much support as my parents are ill and I was isolated.

Things will improve and yours and your children’s lives will be so much better, let him take you to court, better to have it in writing and confirmed so he has to stick to them and you explain that you’re trying to work etc he’s just doing it for control nothing more, get an order in place

Stay strong

See how nursery goes, assume you claiming for any childcare over and above your free hours?

You need to stop talking to him, refuse to answer the phone and keep all contact to WhatsApp, handover should be in a mutual place with other people around too so there’s less chance to intimidate you.

No reason for him to use medication against you, he won’t even know unless you tell him! If you had a headache you would take paracetamol, medicating for mental health shouldn’t be viewed any differently, it certainly doesn’t make you mad or dangerous.

It’s hard afterwards OP

I am coping with less than you , but also a single parent after an EA and
It only ended a few months ago

I decided to start Sertraline as not coping either. Still aren’t to be honest .

So it’s normal to feel a wide range of really shitty emotions .

So if really time short and majorly struggling don’t rule out seeing GP

I am not trying to chuck drugs , just saying you need some effective MH support until you can start to stabilise a bit

Yes I will be claiming back what I can.

Unfortunately theres no one to facilitate hand overs for us, and a lot of the time he insists on me picking them up or dropping them off.
I know that I should say no, but then he wont see the kids and my eldest will be terribly upset. It's bad enough that he has switched days here and there and put the routine out of whack so then they dont know when they're meant to be seeing him and cry. He often offers to have them extra out of the blue at really short notice and when I say no he tells the kids and then they get upset at me. Lifes already hard enough, I really dont need 2 upset DC blaming me for them not seeing their dad.
The intimidation is usually things he says like hinting that he knows things, or he gives me that look. The look he used to give me before he lost it. And I just turn into a quivering wreck.
He is one of those men that could charm the birds from the trees and I just worry that he will schmooze the professionals and get his own way like he always does and try to make me look unstable. He likes to make out hes father of the year but it's all just for show. For his image. He couldn't care less really but the kids are too young to understand.
One day I hope they see it.