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Original poster

To ask you to help me word this conversation? Stag do related.

117 replies

greyhoundz · 02/03/2020 17:45

I'm not looking for an argument but want to bring up a couple of things with DP about a stag do.
It's this Saturday - Monday.

1 - he's been very wishy washy about wether he was going to go, I asked him last week if we have anything on this weekend as I was RSVPing to an event for all of us. He said that there's nothing on.

I'd like to bring up with him what was his intention in terms of letting me know he's off this weekend. Was he going to drop it on me last minute?
We have DCs and I'm mainly a SAHM and he is away for work sometimes and sometimes at short notice so the childcare automatically falls to me anyway which I don't mind and it generally works really well for us but we made plans which now have to be changed because he apparently forgot when I asked him.

2 - I would like him to avoid or at least tell me if he does go to a strip club. Lap dances/private anything are completely off limits for me and would completely make me loose all respect for him. He has told me in the past when he's been on stag dos that ended up at the strip club but I know from a viable source that when the majority of the group went to watch a private show/ dance for groom DP and another person just stayed by the bar until it was time to leave.

I'm not usually too concerned about these events but the group he's going with have been absolutely vile on the what's app group with the pictures and videos shared, DP has had no part in that and finds it horrible himself and has been upfront and told me about it, but he's not that close to the groom/most of the stags so he's just kept to himself on it. The main reason for going is because a couple of his really close friends are.

But due to the above I would just like to gently reiterate my stance on the whole strip club scenario and gently remind him I'm expecting nothing but the truth/no lying through omission.
I know he gets a bit defensive and doesn't like being made to feel like a child and I'm not the best with words so I would really appreciate some help in terms of brining up the conversation/phrasing it so it's not like I'm coming down on him.

And just to clear up I'm not afraid of speaking to him about it and generally I'm very straightforward but we've just come out of the other side of some bad stuff and I don't want to sour the mood so soon after.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Youngatheart00 · 02/03/2020 17:48

Strip clubs are part of stag dos, whether you like it or not. However I do agree that paying money for his own private dance is another matter. Either way, he’s probably evading the subject with you as you sound very highly strung on it and he doesn’t want a lecture which will lead to an argument.

DrManhattan · 02/03/2020 17:51

I wouldn't be happy with any of that tbh.

iklboo · 02/03/2020 17:56

Strip clubs are part of stag dos, whether you like it or not.

Not necessarily. They're not a prerequisite or a rite of passage.

AmericanAdventure · 02/03/2020 17:58

He is a grown man. He will make his own decisions. All you can do is set your own boundaries. It's up to him how he manages that.

Starbuck8419 · 02/03/2020 18:00

Just say to him that you hope he has fun and please don’t get any private dances/lap dances and safe travels. Job done 😊 like pulling off a plaster.

There really isn’t any point in reiterating the strip club rules in depth because it’s a conversation he can unlikely claim he forgot he had with you before.

My husband has been on several weekend stag dos and always ends up in strip clubs but I know him. While the rest are off getting their jollies, he’s at the bar with one or two other nerd friends feeling really awkward and uncomfortable and I laugh because he doesn’t have to be there. He could meet them in the next pub/bar.
He’s also just got fleeced paying to get into somewhere he doesn’t like being in. Silly sod 😊

AmericanAdventure · 02/03/2020 18:01

But do be prepared to follow through. If your boundaries are that you don't mind the strip club but private dances are a no no. Then what would you do if you found out he had a private dance. The problem with delivering ultimatums is that you have to follow through. I wouldn't have a problem with this, but does your position at the moment as a SAHP leave you with that option.

AmericanAdventure · 02/03/2020 18:04

My husband has been to several stags. Most don't involve strip clubs and those that do he comes home early. I would think less of him if he couldn't stand up to peer pressure, let alone paying young women to show him their bodies.

Mintlegs · 02/03/2020 18:08

What Starbuck said

Shinjirarenai · 02/03/2020 18:09

Agree with @Starbuck8419.

Strip clubs are boring, lap dancing boring and a waste of money.

Have you never been to any Chippendale-type events? You sound very controlling.

CalamityJune · 02/03/2020 18:11

I'ma bit confused- he knows your views and has respected them in the past by not having private dances, or engaging in lewd conversations on whatsapp.

I'm not that surprised that he might get annoyed by feeling as though he is being lectured or "warned" about an issue he has proven himself reliable on before.

I'm minded to think that you've got to trust him, and that maybe there doesn't need to be A Conversation.

Original poster
greyhoundz · 02/03/2020 18:13

Like I said I don't mind the strip club bit. Just the private dances/lap dances bit or anything along those lines, wether he paid for it or someone else does.

Honestly if I found out he had one I would be reconsidering the whole relationship and the person I thought he was.
But considering the group he is going with and some of the vile men that will be present I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing.

So as mentioned in my OP I would like help with a gentle way to word the strip club/lap dance talk.
And a proactive/non confrontational way to discuss his lack of notice about going.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/03/2020 18:14

Is the bad time you've been through to do with infidelity?

Menora · 02/03/2020 18:14

I’m in a very new RS and I asked him if he went to strip clubs on stags, which he says he had yes and may do in future.

I also said that I would constitute any private dance as cheating - no discussion or grey area around that, it’s an absolute deal breaker. So I’ve said my piece and the choice would be his to make. He said he understood that it was my boundary

All you can do is remind him but leave it to him really. And yes you would need to follow through the consequences, but he could lie to you. If you don’t trust him then is this a good marriage?

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2020 18:16

Do you seriously have to remind your DP - the man you live with and father of your kids, not to pay for or accept a private dance from a stripper? Confused

He's hardly likely to have forgotten your feelings on that sort of thing, is he?

AppleBang · 02/03/2020 18:18

Why a gentle way? Why all the tip toeing around him? You don't need to be aggressive at all but this softly softly thing is mad. What has happened recently? If it involves him in any way involved in shady flirty or female related then you're already on a hiding to nothing

'Are you going to this stag do or what? Can you let me know please due to plans I want to make. Oh and by the way, you know my feelings on strip clubs so I'll leave that one for you to think about. Cheers'

EdgarAlanPoe · 02/03/2020 18:19

What about

‘your a twat for pretending you wasn’t going. If you go to a strip club don’t bother coming home.’

🤷‍♀️

Youngatheart00 · 02/03/2020 18:21

@EdgarAlanPoe seriously??? You’re advocating their whole relationship breaks down over a strip club visit on a stag do? Not to mention OP is a SAHM and has children. Seems extreme to say the least.

CalamityJune · 02/03/2020 18:22

@EdgarAlanPoe if my husband spoke to me like that before a night out, warning me not to do something I had never, nor had any intention of ever doing, i'd be pretty pissed off tbh!

SinglePringle · 02/03/2020 18:24

I agree with PP. He knows your stance on the issue - reiterating it will make it seem like point scoring, especially if you’ve recently had a bad time of it.

As an aside - I’ve never been to any Chippendale type events.

ShirleyPhallus · 02/03/2020 18:24

’your a twat for pretending you wasn’t going. If you go to a strip club don’t bother coming home.’

So very much wrong with this sentence

EdgarAlanPoe · 02/03/2020 18:24

Oh Christ have a day off Grin

LettertoHermoine · 02/03/2020 18:30

I thought the majority of stag party's ended up at a strip club? Wouldn't bother me personally in the slightest if my partner went to a strip club, or if he watched a private dance for the Stag and if I found out he had a lap dance I don't think it would bother me much either, I don't consider it cheating. However, it bothers you and you are perfectly within your rights to tell him that you are not ok with it.

"Hey DP, are you going to this stag do or not this weekend?"
"Yes I am deinitely going"
"Are you going to a strip club?"
I'd say we might, the lads will want to go"
"Well enjoy yourself but you know how I feel about private dances so if you still want to be attached your YOUR privates when you get home...DON'T HAVE ONE!"
"Ok, I promise I won't"

Job Done.

bugbhaer · 02/03/2020 18:48

I also said that I would constitute any private dance as cheating - no discussion or grey area around that, it’s an absolute deal breaker. So I’ve said my piece and the choice would be his to make. He said he understood that it was my boundary

From what I have heard, men tend to pretend that they are the boring one who stayed sat at the bar whilst everyone else had a private dance or got up on stage. The men conspire in this charade so the poor bride-to-be or whatever is kept in the dark.

saraclara · 02/03/2020 18:51

if my husband spoke to me like that before a night out, warning me not to do something I had never, nor had any intention of ever doing, i'd be pretty pissed off tbh!

Yep.

spongejack · 02/03/2020 18:51

I'm struggling with this, he knows your feelings, he knows the strength of your feelings, so why would you be "gently"'reminding him?

Also, saying his friends are vile, seems to make you feel that your sash will follow their lead and get a private lap dance? It wouldn't be their fault at all, it would be your DHs choice as an adult.

To be honest you seem to be testing him like a child, or lining up an excuse for him by saying it was his friends fault as they led him astray.

Be honest, he doesn't need reminding because he's forgotten, you want to remind him because you think he's going to have a lap dance? If he died and he uses the I forgot line, he's a liar.

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