To walk out and never come back

[CleverQuacks]

I recently started a new job in a school. Supposed to be the perfect job for me cos it’s school hours, part time and term time only. As a single mum to three and one on the way the short hours are much needed. However I just can’t do it. I have complex mental health problems (BPD) which I am on medication for. The medication does help but isn’t changing the constant feeling of panic that I am in at work. It’s like I can’t breath. It’s not the job itself, I can do the job. It’s being away from my kids. One has a multitude of health problems and is under a consultant whilst they do a load of investigations. Another has mild cerebral palsy and development delay. They are all school age and in school (although my eldest with the health problems is on a part time timetable) but I just want to be at home.

The only thing getting me through today is the thought that today will be my last day and I will never have to come back. I know it’s bad to leave my manager in the lurch but I really can’t do this. I know it sounds pathetic that I am not even able to manage part time hours in work but i am on the edge of a panic attack the whole time I am here and i can’t do it.

So AIBU to walk out at the end of the day and never come back. I have thought about being signed off sick by the doctor but I have only been in the job three weeks so it would look really bad.

Not unreasonable, but if you can get through it you may be glad you did. Is the school where you work your own children's school?

No, not my children’s school. I wish I could pinpoint what the actual problem is. I just know that being in work (not just this job) fills me with intensive anxiety and I just want to run away.

Is your manager aware of your MH condition and understanding? Could you talk to her/him about coping strategies at work?

There seem to be two issues: one is being separated from your children - but that would be the case anyway as they are at school themselves - and the other is being away from home. It might help to talk these through with someone as separate considerations.

I have a close relative with significant MH problems and this makes me anxious when I'm away from him in case things go wrong when I'm not there. Fortunately in my job I'm able to keep my phone on and beside me all the time and this makes all the difference. If you aren't already allowed to do this (to know that your children are OK unless you hear otherwise) it might help to discuss it with your manager.

You sound like you've got into a bit of a state, and that's never a great time to make a decision. Your choices are:
Leave and never come back (not unreasonable and you can just leave it off your cv, but you might regret it because of money/ independence etc..)
Speak to your manager about you MH difficulties and initial anxieties about the job so she's aware and can understand if you're having a panic attack. If she's understanding it might help the way you feel about it. Or she might not be understanding and it will make the decision to leave easy.
Or stay as you are and delay your decision for a couple of days.
Good luck, I remember a similar (less intense) panic when I went back to work. I stuck it out and it was fine, but later left the profession.

How will you support yourself and your four children if you don't work?

I too have bpd. I well know the struggles to work and be employed. I have bounced from job to job my whole adult life. I have now completely given up on employment and gone self employed. It has completely changed my life and mental health for the better.
It might not be possible for you and it isn't without it's own stresses but I I would really recommend it.
My best advice is to do what's best for you. Put yourself first and trust yourself and your instincts. If you feel the need to be at home then maybe follow that and find a way of supporting yourself from home.

How will you support your children if you leave? It's unlikely you'll get another job whilst being pregnant, very unlikely you'll get a job within school hours.
They can be as rare as hens teeth.
I believe if you quit your job you're not eligible for UC for a period of time.

Can you discuss your MH with your manager? Try and work out what it is that's causing you to get into such a state and see if there's a way around it.

Of course you could just walk out and leave it off your CV, but does that leave the school in a predicament? Wouldn't it be better to inform them of your current mental state and what you feel you need to do?

Definitely make an appointment to see your GP.
There must have been reasons why started working? Have these changed since you got the job?
Are you dependent on top up financial support from the state? If you are will it be impacted by you walking out of your job?
I am not sure that you need to be at home if your dc are at school? Is this anxiety talking rather than reality?
Realistically with the current government it seems unlikely that people are going to be supported financially to stay at home if they could be working and a part time, term time only job at least on paper looks desirable.
What other possibilities are there that might work better? For example self employment. Maybe do some research around them before leaving this job.

This is your anxiety controlling you. It takes time for us to adjust not just physically but mentally to new situations, like jobs or new houses etc. 3 weeks is really early days. Being at work is not yet your “norm”. It’s still an alien feeling for you to be away from home. And that’s normal! It’s still the adjustment period. In your shoes, having had anxiety about work myself, I would push through until work is the “norm”. You will get there. You’ll be at work one day and it will suddenly dawn on you that you haven’t felt anxious about being there for ages. You really will thank yourself for persevering. Keep going. Otherwise you’ll never get off the starting block. You’ll keep giving into the normal feelings of anxiety that loads of people have.

And btw you have a very good set up with this job. Term time- part time school hours! That’s amazing. You’re very lucky to have those hours.

You’ve got 4 children, you cannot just walk out and goodness knows I’m sure we’ve all wanted to. Not going to tell you to pull yourself together because clearly you’ve real issues that need to be dealt with but honestly, working life is unlikely to get any better than you have it now so you’ll need to do whatever it takes to make it work

I think that walking out will not only not solve any of your problems and fears, but also that in time it will make everything worse.

As PP have said for a single mum to soon to be four children you are beyond fortunate to have a term time school hours job.

Seek some support and as trite as it sounds tomorrow is another day.

No one here is going to be able to advise you properly because we don't know the scope of your mental health issues.

I think there’s a lot going on here.

Bottom line is though- you’re a single mum to 3 and have one on the way. They’ll need things you can’t provide without an income.
You’ve found a good job, in a school that accommodates your needs for hours.

Being at home isn’t going to allow you to be with your kids either?

You need to separate your issues, be very real about them and then get on with it. Whatever you decide.

What an opportunity to throw away though?- for what?

Thank you all for your responses it’s a lot to think about. I am fortunate that I don’t need the income at the moment so could take some time out.

It’s funny one of you mention self employment because this has been something that I have been considering but it wouldn’t be until after the baby is born and we are settled.

Thanks again