For not wanting to socialise with BIL?

[PassMeTheNutella]

I have NCd as I don't want this accosiated with my usual username.

Bit of background... I don't like BIL. He is lazy and entitled. He's never made the effort with me and the most I get out of him is a grunt 'alright?'. At a family event last year, he got drunk and held grabbed his girlfriend by the throat and pinned her in front of everyone (DH and I weren't there).

Not long after this we fell out with FIL over his selfish behaviours and because of this, BIL fell out with DH. Claiming we were choosing step family over blood etc.

Last week, BIL messaged DH to say he wants to sort things. It's been suggested that we all (siblings and partners) get together for some drinks and games like we used to.

I have refused. I have no problem with DH going and sorting things with his brother. But I want nothing to do with him. If I see him at family gatherings, I'll be polite, but I won't socialise and be friends with someone who has hurt my DH so much and clearly has no problem being violent to women.

It has been suggested that I'm just being stubborn and going to think things awkward for my DH. Should I just go for DHs sake or do I stick to my guns here?

He can fuck right off.

So the rest of them plan to condone his violent behaviour by ignoring it? Lovely. I'd leave them to it, next time it could be you he decides he has a right to assault.

Stand your ground. Lifes too short

Who is saying that you are just being awkward, is it your DH?

My BIL is a cunt (abusive, but only to women, manipulative, alcoholic, general arsehole) I don't like him, won't spend any time with him and won't have my DC near him. Yanbu.

it's the 'you can't say anything, it'll cause upset in the family' thing that winds me up. yes mil carry on sticking your head in the sand, i ignore that and of the three concerned, one seems to think he's the godfather and two fawn round him like he's god, instead of just being a twat.

Nope, I totally agree with you, I’d not want to spend time with a violent misogynist either and I certainly wouldn’t sit in a room with him and pretend his violence is not a problem. I wouldn’t do it for my own brother so I sure as hell wouldn’t do it for anyone else’s.

I don’t socialise with my bil either. He is a cheating womaniser who tried to ruin my wedding.

There was a brief spell of dh not speaking to him but they are gradually patching stuff up but I’ll still be staying away.

I just don’t like him as a person and a an adult I get to choose who I want to be around.

I disagree. I think you should go along this once, that way you can legitimately say you gave him a chance. Then the second he behaves like an arsehole again you can cut him off and refuse to give him anymore chances. If you don’t go there is a risk he will play the martyr card - I tried to make amends but nasty old Nutella clearly hates me wah wah wah etc.

Who has told you they have criticised you? Your husband?

It sounds like a family that is constantly falling out with each other (much like my dp's)

You need to do as you feel, your husband needs to support your decision, but you need to leave him to choose what to do with his family. Listen to him, support him with his decisions, but don't go beyond that.

Stand your ground, if others think BIL is ok carrying out that kind of behaviour let them be buddy with him. Keep dcs and yourself well away.

But surely @ChazsBrilliantAttitude he has had enough chances before to behave like a civilised human, ie his whole life to date. He grabbed a woman by the throat. He gets no more chances.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not being unreasonable. DH supports my decision but says that he now feels awkward if he goes and everyone asks where I am. I've said tell them the truth, I dont care.

BIL is unlikely to ever change. FIL is always bailing him out and minimises everything he does.

You are right, why does everyone has to be nice to him so he stays the same and feels comfortable?

TheFaerieQueen
I think he is a scumbag. I just feel that it might make it easier for her DH to navigate the family politics if the OP plays along this time with a clear proviso that this is the last chance.

X post with OP

Fuck that, dont go
We are NC with dp oldest brother after an incident at dd 4th birthday and a few other things.
We even do separate Christmas and Easter to him and his circus at the inlaws. We put our foot down completely a few years ago after yet another ruined holiday

Families fall out and I wouldn't hold a grudge against someone because they had a falling out with their brother. However, i would not be socialising with a known abuser, so YANBU.

I refuse to have my SIL in my house. I refuse to discuss the matter with the flying monkeys when dispatched. I am comfortable with my stance. Some others followed my lead. Some are pissed off I cause trouble by refusing to pretend nothing is wrong with how she behaves.

Good that you and your husband are on the same page, OP.
Let him go, and you stand your grand.
I had ten years of NC with the majority of dp's family. We see each other now, and none of them would ever dare behave like they did back then (I'm abroad and was told by the family round table that I would not be taking DD to the UK to visit her British family) because they know they wouldn't get away with it now, like they didn't then.