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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt?

16 replies

shas19 · 02/03/2020 00:02

Posted before about the break down of mine and my mums relationship. Basically I've been in hospital with meningitis, very very unwell! Now, I have no relationship with my mum, havent for nearly two years. Mums partners mum let's call her Dot, was also in the same hospital as I am, she died 2 days ago. My mum knew i was in hospital and never even so much as sent a text, or came to see me. Neither did my nan infect who I sent a message to letting her know I was unwell ect.. I have no interest in having a relationship with my mum but as a mother myself I know for a fact if my only child was in hospital with something as serious as meningitis I would have to be there! Put my head round the door at least and say I know things are bad but I'm here and hope you're okay? She was literally in the next ward ffs! Spoke to my nan today who was with my mum and she said nothing, I dont know why I expect her to be bothered but I'm just really hurt by this

OP posts:
iMoan7 · 02/03/2020 00:24
Flowers
SuburbanFraggle · 02/03/2020 00:44

Mourn the mother you should have had. This one is just like a random person on the tube.

TabbyMumz · 02/03/2020 09:02

Perhaps your nan didnt pass the message on?

Original poster
shas19 · 02/03/2020 09:13

She was in the same room as her when I spoke to her,she definitely knows I have it and was in hospital as the whole family knows and have spoken to her. Just cant be bothered anymore. That was the last nail in the coffin for me.

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 02/03/2020 09:17

You have no relationship with your mum and her DP has just died in the hospital you are in. I understand why you are upset but your expectations are unrealistic.

MatildaTheCat · 02/03/2020 09:19

Sorry you’ve been so unwell. That in itself does make you feel low.

Your mother won’t change. Clearly there’s been a big backstory here. It’s a devastating thought that she doesn’t care enough to check in on you but that’s part of who she is and why you don’t see her.

Lean on those you do have. Mourn the mum you should have had but in all honesty if she had come it would probably have been full of animosity.

Get well soon.

onanothertrain · 02/03/2020 09:19

Sorry obviously didn't read that properly.

Original poster
shas19 · 02/03/2020 09:27

Honestly I was so out of it if she had of come I probably would of just laid there. Dont even know why I'm surprised i really dont. Always makes herself out to be the victim! I've playing with the idea of sending her a message but what's the point?

OP posts:
DjMomo · 02/03/2020 09:30

If you have no relationship with your mum then what did you expect?

Lynda07 · 02/03/2020 09:40

You're certainly not unreasonable, your mother behaved in an extremely hurtful manner - did your grandmother come to see you?

I am so sorry to hear about your poor mother in law.

Hope you are well on the mend.
Flowers

Original poster
shas19 · 02/03/2020 13:16

@DjMomo as a mother myself I could never have my child in hospital potentially dying and not go see them no matter what the situation is. There u have though people are very different

OP posts:
Original poster
shas19 · 02/03/2020 13:17

@Lynda07 no she never. Still havent heard nothing from my mum. I cant say in surprised but that will never be and my children! Its absolutely disgusting

OP posts:
flower1994 · 02/03/2020 13:20

shas I agree with you. unless you have done something seriously despicable to her (doesnt sound like it) then I don't think you're unreasonable for being hurt at all at this lack of compassion. hope you feel better

BarbedBloom · 02/03/2020 13:24

Unfortunately I think no contact is no contact, though you aren't unreasonable to be upset. I was no contact with my dad and when he was in hospital I didn't go.

I would also make some allowances for the fact her MIL has just died and she is probably supporting her partner. I know how you feel though, wishing for the family member you should have had.

tiggerkid · 02/03/2020 14:13

Normal to feel furt by this. My MIL is exactly the same. She doesn't give a rat's behind if we are dead or alive. Never calls my son for his birthdays and he has just turned 18. Never calls me or even her own son (my husband) for our birthdays. In 21 years that we've been married, she only came down to see us twice. We moved house 7 years ago and she never bothered to come down even once to have a look how we settled. She just generally doesn't give a sh. I used to be really upset about this. Then I was really sad on behalf of my husband and now I also don't give a sh. This woman doesn't exist for me anymore.

This is much harder to do with your own mother but if no improvement is possible after trying, then letting go is really best.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/03/2020 14:17

I'm sorry OP, that is hurtful and as a mother I couldn't understand that either, at least you're different to her though and your own kids won't have to go through that

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