to feel I have no control

[ecrit]

I married my husband in 2010 and we have twin boys aged 7

I am catholic and when we married he point blank refused to be married in the Catholic Church. I agreed and we married in a registry office. It wasn’t my first choice but I didn’t say much and went along with it.

When my two children were born it was an “absolutely not” from him to have them baptised. Again I didn’t say much about it after the flat refusal.

When school rolled around there is a school around the corner from us which is Catholic and gets a fantastic name. I said I would like to enrol them there because of the good name and the feeder high school which is also very good. Strangely he agreed to this and then put a placing request in to a very good non dominational school further away. He asked my feelings on it beforehand and I said I wasn’t keen because of the travelling time and the fact that the school is linked to a high school which is beset with problems. I was completely ignored and placing request went in and they’re now in the school of my husband’s choice.

Lastly, we live in the west of Scotland and if anyone knows the west of Scotland you’ll know that football is a divisive subject. I had hoped to keep my children shielded from the sectarianism and bigotry that exists here but again my husband has started on the football chat and has them constantly talking about his football team. They talk about very little else. I find it draining and I’m terrified they learn any of the bigoted bile that exists around these parts and I just feel like I have no say in many parts of my sons’ upbringing.

If I bring it up I’m told I’m talking nonsense and that I picked their names when they were born fwiw I suggested names I liked and he liked them too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have no idea if I have explained this well or if I’m being unreasonable but it is getting me down.

He sounds domineering. Can you talk to him about the football issue? Would he go for couples counselling?

I think this is a difficult one as I would be your husband in this scenario. I do not want my children involved in religion at all until they are old enough to make their own choices. I absolutely would not have them christened. But then I would have made this clear when I got with someone and certainly before we had children.

I find that religion is one of those areas where a lot of people struggle to compromise where there are such different opinions. A friend had this issue as she is religious and her husband isn't. Her children now agree with her husband and she struggles a lot with that.

Pressed send too early. The football thing is another example though where your husband is getting to do exactly as he wishes. Have you sat down and tried to discuss this as you have written here?

I’m in central Scotland so I get you. I understand why your husband wouldn’t want them to go to catholic school and the connotations there of. But to then introduce the kids to sectarianism and bigotry from football is then totally counter productive because of the assumptions made either way.

The thing is though, you don’t sound like you like your husband all that much?

@Thelnebriati I have tried but his response is “that’s my team and I’m not going to stop talking about them...”

Honestly I find myself becoming more and more disengaged with my dc because it is a constant stream of chat about football and this team in particular.

I’m an atheist married to a catholic and from the West of Scotland so understand where your coming from. Before we had children we agreed that they would be baptised and brought up catholic but it would not be forced upon them and as they got older they could choose. Our 15yo doesn’t go to mass for example.

I think your husband sounds like a bully and I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who ignored my views so much.

So your h has got his way several times now. You need to put your foot down and get him to see you are his equal and deserve equal day in any issues. Good luck with that.

@Travis1

Honestly at this point in time I feel so worn down I don’t like him that much.

But surely you knew he was obsessed with football and not Catholic before you married and had children with him? If you felt strongly about any of these things you should have spoken out and stopped them. Even now you're just disengaging rather than trying to get your children interested in a hobby you feel passionate about and csn share together. Stop being so passive

Has he changed since you got married? Or were you expecting him to?

OP, your husband sounds first and foremost a bully.

That comes before his hugely understandable dislike of the Catholic church....I was raised Catholic.

Being told that you speak nonsense is deeply offensive.

I cannot imagine how upsetting it is for you to feel your children being drawn into sectarianism via football.

His hypocrisy is awful.

No wonder you feel dislike towards him.

You do sound very, very passive.

Personally I would look at your options and see what they are.

Then sit down with him and explain that you are NOT happy in the relationship.

I actually cannot believe you allowed him to enforce the school of his choice when there was a lovely school around the corner.

He's a horrible bully and this is the way things will remain if you don't assert yourself.

Why you would want to remain with someone who clearly has so little respect for you is also a question for you to reflect on.

Wishing you well.

I’d move out and take the kids.

Sounds like a dominating bully

I never understand this fear of religion. I went to a religious school. To me it was a few nice songs and some prayers every now and then which to me were just words. I took none of it seriously, am not indoctrinated and have barely a religious bone in my body now. I loved my school though

I am not passive with my children. I just feel like I’m trying to engage them and they go straight back to their dad and it’s football football football and this team in particular. Even when I have them out myself it’s questions about football and why I don’t support dad’s team. I lost the plot the other day about it. Constant chatter and my husband allows it.