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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know what my AIBU is really. 'Favourite' step child.

21 replies

JugglingJuggles · 01/03/2020 20:15

As per my title, I'm not sure why or what this post is even for really but it does make me feel a bit sad this situation, so wanted to get other opinions.

My husband has two children and both he and his ex quite clearly favour one of them.

They are both loved and treated well but it's quite evident that the youngest is their 'baby', despite no longer being that young (9 & 11).

I don't have a problem with that, if they want to baby their son that's obviously up to them but it's so clear from an outsider that it's at the expense of their eldest.

Youngest SS is always believed over the oldest, doesn't matter what they do they'll be some excuse as to why it's eldest's fault, usually 'you're older so should know better' kind of thing.

Youngest is told off but never to the same extent, and it's always down played as if they are a very young child and oldest should know better (there's barely anything between them IMO and both well aware of what's right and wrong).

Youngest will get to choose game, film, activity etc... It's always 'X (youngest) come and have a cuddle with me' and never the eldest.

My DH has made comments before like, 'Oh I can't wait to see X' or their mum will text saying things like 'how is X, missing him' but no mention of the other.

I don't know, it just makes me feel desperately sad for the eldest sometimes. They aren't even a difficult child. I'd say out of the two that the youngest is more difficult (although both great kids). I think they have now started to notice as they will say things like 'you always choose X's side' which I know can be a normal thing for siblings to say but it's very obvious to me and others I think, that youngest really could get away with murder whereas eldest couldn't.

Is this normal? I don't know whether I'm just being dramatic but I've found myself sticking up for eldest in these situations recently because it just seems wrong. I don't think they even realise they are doing it a lot of the time.

OP posts:

Riojasmoothy · 01/03/2020 20:31

This is so sad.
Have you mentioned it to DH? They should definitely be made aware that they are behaving in this way and take steps to treat the children equally.

Screamqueenz · 01/03/2020 20:34

It's not unusual in my opinion for parents to have a favoured child, it is unusual for it to be the same child.

At their DMs house YSS was favoured, so at our house my ESS was more needy and therefore got more attention from DH.

I stepped in with YSS when he was at our house, conversations, days out and activities together, he's a lovely boy (as is ESS) and we have a brilliant relationship now hes an adult.

Could you step in with your ESS?

Original poster

JugglingJuggles · 01/03/2020 20:37

Thinking about it, I genuinely don't think it's because they love either any more or less. I think it's very much a case of wanting to keep the youngest as 'the baby' for as long as possible if that makes sense? Once they accept that he's also grown up, they don't have another little child iyswim.

I do call him on it yes. And he acknowledges it at the time but then it doesn't really change.

OP posts:

RedRed9 · 01/03/2020 20:40

This is so sad.

Socalm · 01/03/2020 20:40

I don't know about step children, but my DH obviously has a favourite and it makes me furious. It's been like that since they were babies. We've has big fights about it over the years and now he does deliberately pay attention to and take time with his "least" favourite.

I don't know why parents are like that. It's so damaging, imo, for all the children. Even the favourite one. But I think being aware of it can help

Original poster

JugglingJuggles · 01/03/2020 20:42

Could you step in with your ESS?

Oh I do. Definitely.

I've also started sticking up for them though if I think DH is wrong. Which I'm not sure if people will agree with, perhaps I should 'leave it to the parents' but I can't just sit there whilst DH is blaming eldest for things and letting youngest off because 'hes younger'. I have to say something like 'barely!!' Both 9 & 11 are well aware what's right and wrong IMO. It's not a 4 and 15 yr old.

OP posts:

CanaryFish · 01/03/2020 20:48

I don’t have much advice for you but I’m so glad you’re speaking up on ESS behalf. Poor ESS your husband needs to step up

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/03/2020 20:56

Oh gosh that's so hard to read it must be really awful to watch. I would keep on and on at DH and I would make such a fuss of eldest.

Lamplighter234 · 01/03/2020 21:00

That’s so awful. My mum had a favourite between me & my sister and it still persists now we are adults. The oldest will realise and honestly it’s heartbreaking.

DeRigueurMortis · 01/03/2020 21:12

Rather than only pull your DH up on his behaviour when it happens I think you need to find time to sit down with him when the kids are not there are really spell out the damage he is doing.

You see thread after thread on this subject and 9/10 times the outcome is the same.

The less favourite child ultimately withdraws from the parent/s going low or no contact and has long term issues with self-esteem.

The favourite child grows up too close to parent/s but is lacking boundaries and with a sense of entitlement that impacts their potential.

In short it's a disaster for everyone.

Given their ages your DH is absolutely in the last stage of an opportunity to fix this. As a teen, the eldest will naturally become more independent and once that's asserted within the framework of feeling disenfranchised from parental support in contrast to their sibling there's no way back.

Your DH needs to be told in no uncertain terms how shitty his behaviour is and called on it every single time.

Personally I'm not sure I could be married to someone who behaved in this way who was not 100% committed to addressing it.

HavenDilemma · 01/03/2020 22:02

How can you be with him, op?? Sorry to be blunt but it's all I kept saying in my head as I was scrolling down

EKGEMS · 02/03/2020 01:36

Fuck that I'd be gone and take the eldest kid with me

DropYourSword · 02/03/2020 02:20

Yes, there’s be no problems leaving a relationship and taking someone else’s kid with you

AgentPrentiss · 02/03/2020 02:20

Fuck that I'd be gone and take the eldest kid with me

Err that’s called kidnapping and I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon in a court of law.

Lowbrow · 02/03/2020 03:14

I believe favouritism causes a lot of damage in families. I should know, having experienced it from both sets of grandparents and also my parents.

I was very conscious not to favour any of my DC. The youngest is six and eight years younger than her siblings. They are different people and sometimes I might get on with one more than another but I don’t favour any of them. They all know this and have said they appreciate it. They are also close which makes me happy.

I don’t speak to two of my siblings (one the absolute favourite of both my parents, my father was fond of telling us she was his favourite) and I am not close to the other two.

I didn’t like my four grandparents and still don’t have nice memories of any of them.

OP could you point out to your DH that when there is a favourite DC the other DC often grow up not liking them, nor their parents. It’s an awful thing to do to a child, especially blaming them for things they haven’t done.

FieldOfFlameAndHeather · 02/03/2020 04:22

I’d keep speaking to your husband about it. Tell him that he risks damaging eldest child emotionally and psychologically, you find it hard to watch because his bias is so blatant and you genuinely concerned about he impact it’s having.

Don’t just pick up on it in as a passing observation next time he does it but sit him down and make it a serious, important discussion.

user764329056 · 02/03/2020 04:39

OP don’t let anymore time go by without making your husband address this, that treatment is very damaging and the children don’t deserve one more day of it, not sure how you can still want to be with him while he acts that way, huge turn-off to me

sarahg216 · 02/03/2020 05:08

Good point @lowbrow
The lifelong relationship between the siblings is going to be damaged by this favouritism of youngest dc. That would be sad if as adults they don’t want to keep in touch with each other. Would pointing this out to your dh help?

TreeTopTim · 02/03/2020 07:08

That poor child. How can anyone treat their children like that. Your dh and his ex need a wake up call. The damage they are causing to both children will be long lasting if they don't stop it.

Northernsoullover · 02/03/2020 07:17

This happened to someone I know. The younger child was always favoured, barely told off. Elder child was incredibly hard work in fairness but a lot of the behaviour could have been handled differently. Anyway the upshot is that the eldest has voted with her feet and is nc with that parent. The parent is scratching their head as to why when its fucking blindingly obvious why they don't have a relationship.

PooWillyBumBum · 02/03/2020 07:21

This is really sad but it’s lovely that you care and are trying to remedy the situation. I have a very difficult father (not because my sister is the favourite though) and my lovely stepmother tempering him is the only reason I still see him...

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