Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I dump him because we never go on dates?

27 replies

Bluej · 01/03/2020 00:26

Not sure if IBU or I'm high maintenance.

We have only been dating for a year, we're young, no kids, no commitments so surely it shouldn't be like this?

We barely go out, we did when we first started dating but now we just hang out at each others houses.

He never initiates anything, if I want to do something or go somewhere I have to bring it up, plan it. He never does.

He goes out all the time, he has a lot of friends and he's always out. To be fair he does invite me out quite a bit but I have social anxiety and I struggle in big groups, I do sometimes go if it's a smaller amount of people, but I also wish it could just be us going out sometimes.

I do bring it up to him, he panics and think I'm going to break up with him, tell me he'll be better at planning us to do things, he's never had a relationship before me so he's not used to it... But then nothing changes.

I'm not asking for extravagant dates, I would be more than happy with a trip to the pub. Seriously.

Do I need to be more assertive all the time or should I just move on?

He says he doesn't want to get it wrong and do something I don't like but I'd be grateful for literally anything.

OP posts:
FizzyPink · 01/03/2020 00:30

Can you not just say to him “I fancy trying this new restaurant, let’s go Saturday night”
People are always commenting on how much DP and I are out but it’s 9 times out of 10 me that’s organised it and that’s totally fine. When I’ve had a bad week or I’m feeling down he will suggest a night out but equally he’s very happy staying at home so it just doesn’t normally occur to him.

PickledChicory · 01/03/2020 00:33

Are you carrie simmons and are you talking about bojo?

Mintlegs · 01/03/2020 00:36

I agree with Turnedouttoes

Vectura · 01/03/2020 10:50

My husband would happily never leave the house. He will also happily go along with anything I suggest. He plans nice surprise outings sometimes, and will go all out for birthdays, but otherwise he never thinks to suggest anything. This works fine because I like to find places to try.

It sounds like your man is similar, and wanting him to suggest things is just too out of character. Either you start doing it or accept that it’s a non negotiable for you and leave him, I don’t think there’s any middle ground!

Divebar · 01/03/2020 10:57

This is not unusual I don’t think..... I doubt there’s a single social occasion that my DH has ever planned in recent times. Every ticket for every show, gig etc has been researched and bought by me. I think he’s just happy to hang out at home and I’m not! Your DP does invite you out with his friends so to a certain extent he is taking an initiative - so don’t be too hard. ( sounds like you’re anxiety is a bit life limiting). Perhaps agree that you will go out X numbers of times a week and maybe take it in turns to plan where if you don’t want to be the one suggesting where to go all the time.

Ellisandra · 01/03/2020 11:00

Usually I’d say his “don’t organise in case I get it wrong” is lame lazy bullshit.

But you mention your social anxiety, so is he genuinely unsure about what you’ll like? e.g. if it’s variable on how you feel. It’s still pretty lame though.

If you have been restricted in the past, I’d list the things I’m happy with (pub, dinner out, cinema, ice skating, paintball...) but only once - that’d be his last chance to step up.

You may have different desires from a relationship. He might prefer “cosy nights in” - not great as he’s lazy, but because to him, that’s what a date is. He should still compromise on what you want.

But my gut instinct is just dump him. I cut loose a man who left EVERYTHING up to me. So irritating. Now married to a man who still sends me cinema links with “fancy this?” and I know if I say yes, it’ll be booked a minute later. Bliss!

DDIJ · 01/03/2020 11:01

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DdraigGoch · 01/03/2020 11:02

Why does he have to take you out? Why can't you say "let's go down the pub tonight"?

Bluntness100 · 01/03/2020 11:06

I don’t understand why you think it’s his responsibility? Why can’t you just say let’s you and I go to the pub Saturday or whenever?

Ohyesiam · 01/03/2020 11:14

So will he go out with you if you suggest it? If yes, then what’s the problem. Maybe he’s not an Ideas person, or it doesn’t occur to him to initiate things.
If that you’re only problem in the relationship I’d start making a list of things you want to do, and book them in.

Frownette · 01/03/2020 11:24

You never go for a wander around a market/exhibition then coffee at weekends?

Not out for a meal or drink? It's too isolating, if he doesn't buck up I'd finish it

PeterPanGoesWrong · 01/03/2020 11:44

Omg! Is his name Darren?
I dated a guy that only wanted to stay in and watch telly, every night.

His idea of fun at the weekend was very occasionally to drive to the coast for fish n chips or a hike up a mountain (in Wales)

We never went to pubs or restaurants, we never dined out except for the occasional burger from McDonald’s. We were in the prime of our life, we had money, time and no commitments yet he never wanted to do anything. He even skipped taking his full wuota if holdays from work because he was such a creature of habit and he liked work. (Not a bad thing)

I did split up from him, I’m much happier to explore, dine out, find country pubs that serve a Sunday roast etc than to stay home every night.
Only you know what you really want.
Good luck, if he’s a nice guy, talk this over. But be prepared to lose him.

Cheeijlo · 01/03/2020 11:45

OP I would move on. If you’re already frustrated now it’s not worth it.

gamerchick · 01/03/2020 11:47

You can break up for any reason you want OP. You don't need permission.

user1493413286 · 01/03/2020 11:51

I wonder if there are other things you’re not happy about or just generally not feeling it as it seems like a small issue to want to break up about. It doesn’t sound like he always wants to stay in from his social life and it’s more that he doesn’t know what to do and isn’t used to being in a relationship. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me.

BigFatLiar · 01/03/2020 12:05

He invites you out but you don't go because you have anxiety issues. Why not simply tell him what you'd like to do together and not expect him to do everything. If you split it'll be down to you to sort yourself out with dates etc so why not sort it out now with your bf and say what you want to do. Hey Bill fancy a weekend in York (or wherever), What about a day out at ... Can we go to the cinema and see ...

tiggerkid · 01/03/2020 12:47

If you want him to initiate dates/activities/days out etc more often, you need to ask him. If you asked and he doesn't change, you have only two choices:

  1. you accept him as he is and continue initiating, planning and organising all your days out and, potentially, everything else later on. And by accepting I mean genuine acceptance that this is the way he is and you are ok with it

OR

  1. you move on

There are no other choices. It's down to you which one to take.

filka · 01/03/2020 12:52

I think @DDIJ has got it - he's not lazy, he can manage to go out with his mates. So it's not important enough to him to go out with you.

opticaldelusion · 01/03/2020 13:00

If you've been together a year, I think you're past the 'dating' stage. That said, you clearly want to go out more so why not just suggest or arrange something?

CheddarGorgeous · 01/03/2020 13:30

I think your social anxiety is a major factor. He does want to go out and he invited you along.

I would find it very trying, tiring and expensive to have one social life with my friends and another with my partner.

BigFatLiar · 01/03/2020 15:16

@filka 'I think @DDIJ has got it - he's not lazy, he can manage to go out with his mates. So it's not important enough to him to go out with you.'

He does ask her out she just doesn't want to go, she needs to clearly tell him what she does like to do and also make an effort to fit in with him.
if I want to do something or go somewhere I have to bring it up, plan it. Make sure he knows what sort of things you want to do and arrange to do hem together but try to be part of his social circle as well. What your suggesting sounds a bit like wanting to cut him off from his friends. I'm sure its not what you mean, you need to meet half way more doing what you want together and sometimes meeting up with his friends. Once you've met them a few times you may find the anxiety lessens.

Booberella9 · 01/03/2020 15:19

He suggests going out in a big group, you say no.

You suggest going out just the 2 of you, he agrees.

Not seeing the problem there.

YABU to dump him assuming everything else about him is good and he actually loves you. V hard to find.

OurChristmasMiracle · 01/03/2020 15:20

Why does it need to be organised. My OH will say “I’ve seen x film advertised do you fancy going to see it” I say yes and he says let’s go tonight/ x night

bigchris · 01/03/2020 15:26

Are you doing anything about your social anxiety ? He probably gets fed up you'll go out with him or your friends but not with his ?

Or he assumes because you're not comfortable out you'd rather stay in

Might be a simple lack of communication

bigchris · 01/03/2020 15:28

How old are you both? He's first relationship, perhaps he just wants to be with his mates and isn't mature enough to deal with your issues ?