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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm starting to wonder whether it's me....

40 replies

Alfiesmom15 · 29/02/2020 23:36

Does anyone else just have those days where you wanna scream!?!? I go out my way for everyone and I'm getting nothing in return. I watch my sisters baby for her while she works long hours. That's fine she drops him off with no coat so been stuck in the house all day. Ask her to pick up a top up voucher for our dad and hell give her cash. No she dont need cash so I'll have to do that tomorrow. Asked my mom to drive us to the shops. Shes not feeling great so no.... (shes got the baby car seat so I couldnt use my car; she weren't feeling I'll tonight to pick my dad up and take him to mcdonalds) (even though they've been separated for 15 years they're still good friends while my dads facing divorce and staying with me)Went to cook dinner and at no point during yesterday or today did my partner mention we had no milk so couldnt carry on with the dinner I had planned.. Wouldn't go fetch any. Managed to get baby to sleep by half six so was going to get the milk to finish the meal I was making. He was going out there and then.... thought he wasn't going out till 7... well hes had a sandwich for his dinner so hes going now. Ok then... I have nothing defrosted out the freezer for mine we only have white bread which i cant eat so that's me not having anything. My dad texts at 11pm to say hes at mcdonalds so I ask him to get me some fries and a smoothie... 15 mins pass I'm thinking doesn't take this long.he texts to say too late hes done and popped to my moms. Oh ok then that's that then. I ask him if hes staying out tonight so i can lock door no hell be back at some point so i cant sleep with the front door unlocked its 11.30pm. Asked my partner to take our son for a hair cut.... hes come back with him scalped he literally looks like a convict. My dad asked me to iron his Jean's. The clothes I asked my partner to dry the other day hes literally screwed everything up on the airer so took bloody ages. Dropped my dad off to where he was going. Partner moaned because dad gave me change. (Hes not got to spend it so why hes moaning I dont know). Everyrhig I've asked my partner to do this week hes done half a job so I've had to redo everything... asked him to dry laundry for me so hes hung it all up on the heated airer... didn't realise I hadn't turned the washing matching on so when I went to do the next load couple days later all the stuff still in the drawer so check clothes and they've nor been washed so they stink after heating up dirt. Why not notice the clothes weren't wet when taking then out? So statt that again.... tomorrow wont be any easier....shopping in the morning. Pick baby up again mid day to watch him till about 11pm again. Goinf to collect a car seat for my car which I just bought off Facebook sales... surely I shouldn't be paying for it but because its for my car its mine?!?! Cook a roast. Because heaven forbid I try to make things a little easier for myself I get grief from partners ex because sundays are for roasts... and then roll around to Monday morning a weekend of doing bloody everything its back to work all freaking day. Is it's me really? I keep getting moaned at because I'm miserable and moany.... like seriously I'm not getting nothing in return here. By the time I finished everything I'm getting like 5 hours of sleep a night and if I say anything I just get moaned at for what i do for so and so... your doing to much for him maybe dont do that for her. Its affecting you watching the baby. Buy you choose to watch baby so I'm not helping.

OP posts:
TheBouquets · 01/03/2020 05:24

OP you have to stop running yourself into the ground for people who don't seem to return the care and devotion you show them.
I was just like you and would do all sorts for my family. I did get ill as a PP has mentioned. Not any consideration from those I did a lot for. Now I do nothing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/03/2020 05:38

You cannot expect these people to treat you well when you don’t treat yourself well. It sounds and though you’ve got into a family pattern of you being the giver and them being the taker. The more you give, the more they expect you to give and the more unreasonable they will think you are by not giving however unreasonable their demands actually are. You have also chosen a partner, who is a taker. That’s not surprising as you are a giver.

If you want things to change, that is actually really really hard. I only changed due to illness. Then got therapy. It’s going to be scary for you. But if you don’t do it, you’re going to get ill too. The most important person in your life is you. Rather like on a plane, you put your oxygen mask on first, you can only look after others when you are ok yourself.

I agree with others. You need to stop saying yes. You enjoy looking after the baby. But you agreed half the time. Would you still be ok with this or would you prefer once a week or just from time to time? Your sister doesn’t seem to have a problem with her in laws not helping out. So why should she have a problem with you not doing so? Well, she will obviously. But you see what I’m getting at, don’t you? Decide what you want to do. Give a deadline for her to find alternative care and stick to it. She loses her job? Not your problem.

As for your dad. You’re not his slave. Why on earth is he living with you? He enjoys your mums company. Maybe he should be living there. Or with your sister. Or maybe, newsflash, standing on his own two feet. Does he pay his way, rent/ bills etc?

As for your partner, in for a penny, in for a pound. What pleasure does he give you in life? Are you with him for love or habit?

I think you could do with some rl support. I’d not be going to your mum for this either. She’s pally with your dad. Maybe you can take some of the free time you’ll have by not taking the baby to spend time doing things you enjoy or getting some therapy of your own.

chineseny · 01/03/2020 07:55

You sound exhausted. Time to stop worrying about other people - they don't seem to care about you or your needs.

Hahaha88 · 01/03/2020 08:02

I voted yabu because you need to just start saying no and standing up for yourself, and if you won't than yabu complaining and doing nothing. You don't have to accept this behaviour

emilybrontescorsett · 01/03/2020 08:16

Wow op.

Start by telling your sister that she owes you for the car seat.
If she doesn't pay them you won't have her child , end of.
Tell her she needs to provide x,y and z otherwise you can't have him, no discussion.
If she moans then tell her to find alternative childcare.
Stop ironing your dad's and partners clothes.
Explain clearly how the washing machine works to your partner.

Tell your dad to pay for a key to be cut or the door is locked at the time you say.
When he asks you for something tell him, actually I'm not doing it as you could not even be bothered to bring me some chips in. If he gets arsey say well if you feel like that piss off and find somewhere else to live.
Put the ball back in their court.
"If you don't like it, did off and find some other mug to do it."

Alfiesmom15 · 01/03/2020 08:32

Thanks people I was actually starting to wonder whether it was just me because of being everyone. It's very complicated regarding my dad and his housing situation hes tied up in a house with his wife wont force her out the house (think hes still hoping she'll change her mind with the other bloke) but since shes been sleeping about hes gone really strange. And my sister transferred the money for the car seat the this morning so she listened to that.
As for the ex I'm well aware she has nothing to do with my house but for some bizarre reason she thinks her opinion matter on what goes on here. Shes moaned about bedroom set up before now on who gets the bigger room.. 🤷🏼‍♀️ no amount of my partner telling her or me makes her stop, partners daughter just goes and tells her everything going on here so she finds out. Does my tree in.
But thank you people I am actually going to take your advice and start putting my foot down because it has gone too far now

OP posts:
TheresGonnaBeARain · 01/03/2020 08:46

Agree with everyone above OP - start telling everyone no. There may be some pushback at first - if they’re used to you running round after everyone and they guilt trip you into doing stuff or sulk till they get their way. So don’t be surprised or daunted if they don’t like the new rules and try to push you into doing what you normally do. But they will catch on soon enough. Stay firm. Don’t justify yourself, it might invite discussion - just state facts - no sorry I won’t be able to do that. You sound bloody amazing by the way. !

justilou1 · 01/03/2020 08:57

I have to be blunt... these situations can only have happened because of one person - YOU. For some reason, you have allowed these people to have walked all over you because you crave their good opinion of you. It’s never going to happen. They’re miserable bastards - every one of them. If you cut that negativity out of your life and create clear boundaries that define what is appropriate and acceptable behaviour, (AND STICK TO IT *by only tolerating these people for very short periods of time.) You will feel better about yourself and they will treat you with more respect.

ExcessiveAdmin · 01/03/2020 08:58

Right OP, stop giving a shit what others think and start giving a shit about what YOU think.
Partner’s ex sticks her oar in? Say ‘that’s nice’ and carry on doing what you want.
Partner does nothing around house and won’t help out? Stop doing stuff for him. Same with Dad.
Talk to your sister about childcare. Yes you love having her child but you can’t be her sole childcare provider, it’s not what you originally agreed to. If she whinges she won’t be able to work that’s not your problem. Plenty of other women go to work and don’t have family to do their childcare. Suggest she look into local nurseries and let her get in with it. She’s an adult, she will cope.
And next time your partner won’t wait a few seconds so you can, you know, actually eat, don’t ask him to wait, tell him he’s waiting.
There no point asking if they just call you moany. You know this now. So just start telling these pricks the way things are now happening.

Paperthin · 01/03/2020 09:15

Do you have Dc with this man OP? If not I wouldn’t be having any DC, you will end up doing everything, just don’t. Is it your house? tbh I wouldn’t stay with him anyway - he is not exactly treating you well is he? But no one is as far as I can see.
I would make a list of what YOU want to happen in YOUR life and start working towards that e.g only have DSis child one day at the weekend - tell her this and she must make arrangements. E.g Sunday’s you have a day out doing something YOU want to do, even if it’s a walk in the local park/ window shopping / read a book. No one gets to tell you you should cook Sunday lunch ffs. If your partners daughter is there, he gets to do all the things for her, not you.

You need to show everyone you are deciding what you will do, not them. It will be hard as i think you have been so amenable to them all they just expect you to run about after them. Make a plan to change their expectations. Live YOUR life.

fedup21 · 01/03/2020 09:18

You can’t work full time and then have your sisters baby all weekend. Their jobs seem to entirely depend on you-that can’t be their childcare solution.

Don’t do a roast-who cares what your partner’s ex says. Why doesn’t he do the bloody roast if it’s that important?

MortyFide · 01/03/2020 09:20

Blimey mate, I've just posted about feeling overwhelmed but my life is far less frustrating than yours! Typing it all out does help though doesn't it.

No advice but I empathise, hope things improve. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 01/03/2020 14:31

So your Dad won't put his ex out... but happily inconveniences You... OP man up...

Nowayorhighway · 01/03/2020 14:33

I agree with PP’s, you need to learn how to be more assertive. Not sure why you’re being unpaid childcare for your sister but stop that, she’s clearly taking the piss out of your generosity and she won’t help you in the same way either. Let her start paying for professional childcare like most people do.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 01/03/2020 14:51

the ex.... ...for some bizarre reason she thinks her opinion matter on what goes on here

But her opinion does matter to you - you show it by paying attention when she says you should do a roast on Sunday, and trying to live up to her standards. Why does her opinion matter to you?

Start saying no.
Stop caring about what other people think.
Stop trying to make everyone happy - focus on your own happiness.
Oh, and ditch your partner. He's a serious waste of space.

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