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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To wonder if it's still emotional abuse if he doesn't realise he's doing it?

21 replies

clpsmum · 29/02/2020 21:58

Have an appointment Trent next week to see women and children first as STBXH is continually blowing hot and cold and I'm always walking on eggshells. Spoken to them briefly before and in my heart I know he is gaslighting me and displaying some signs of emotional abuse and coercive control. I genuinely Ely don't think he realises what he is doing though so my question (not really an aibu sorry) is would you still call it abuse/control etc if he doesn't realise he's doing it? I'm worried I'm wasting people's time and overreacting.

OP posts:

WingBingo · 29/02/2020 22:01

Yes I would.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/02/2020 22:02

He knows exactly what he's doing

Lweji · 29/02/2020 22:03

I would.

You could point it out to him and see if he changes, but I doubt he would.

Justkeepleft · 29/02/2020 22:05

Still abuse. You are not wasting their time.

PicsInRed · 29/02/2020 22:07

They know they're doing it they just don't call it abuse. It's what you deserve/had coming/did to him first/to protect you from yourself ... or whatever other bullshit reason they tell themselves.

Ultimately, they feel ownership so control you to keep their possession under control.

Goawayquickly · 29/02/2020 22:09

Yes.
The outcome is the same regardless. Also, I assume you’ve spoken/rowed over the years about this behaviour ? Yet still it continued. You deserve to live in peace and bring your kids (if you have them) up in a calm household, even more importantly kids deserve a calm, happy home life. To my shame and immense regret, I didn’t leave sooner.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/02/2020 22:13

He it choosing these behaviours, even if he doesn't put a label on them.
They never think "I will abuse/gaslight this person". They just think 'this behaviour(s) gets me what I want/makes me feel good'.

Please don't make excuses for him. It may make you feel better to think that he doesn't know what he's doing, but it will make it harder for you to see things clearly.

hoxtonbabe · 29/02/2020 22:18

I pointed it out to my Ex.. just used his autism as an excuse and continued to make me feel like shit and allowed others to talk and think shit about me based on his need to be seen as the victim. My ex knew exactly what he was doing especially when I look back on certain things without my love goggles

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 22:22

Of course it is still abuse.

Here's it taken to the extreme. You know those Boko Haram guys who kidnap school girls then beat and force them into "marriage"? They think they are saving the girls' souls. Would the girls be overreacting if they said they felt abused and sought help to escape? No? But the men are trying to do the right thing! See.

You feel the effect on you is abusive. People in authority agree. They will help you escape. Take the help.

TheMustressMhor · 29/02/2020 22:25

I agree with everyone else, OP.

He knows he is doing it. He wants you to think he doesn't know he is doing it. That is very clever and manipulative of him.

I hope you get away from him.

cochineal7 · 29/02/2020 22:29

It's HIS behaviour. Of course he is not oblivious to its effects - they are his desired outcome. He may not label it as abuse himself, but that is irrelevant.

TorkTorkBam · 29/02/2020 22:34

He doesn't realise what he is doing? So you have never told him? He has never observed you being upset? He has never observed that other men behave differently? Is he mentally subnormal? Can he work out how to drive a car, buy a sandwich, not walk onto motorways?

How on earth could he not know?

Doyoumind · 29/02/2020 22:36

He knows. He won't accept or admit he's doing it but that is not the same.

CliffStitorus · 29/02/2020 23:11

Even if he genuinely doesn't believe he's being emotionally abusive or gaslighting it doesn't change the way it makes you feel.

My ex was undiagnosed autistic (but it became clear when DS was diagnosed) and he couldn't help his tone of voice or reactions to things, but I also couldn't help the way it made me and the DC feel.

Ponoka7 · 29/02/2020 23:15

My DD said in court that in defence of her abusive ex he didn't know what abuse was and the judge and cafcas agreed that it didn't matter, the effect was the same. They said in a way it would take longer because he would have to learn how a decent human being operates, accept it, then do the work to stop himself.

BoredOfTheBoard · 29/02/2020 23:54

If he doesn't know its abuse and therefore wrong he'll do it to everyone he comes into contact with, work colleagues, boss, clients/customers, friends, other members of his family.

Nah, thought not

Original poster

clpsmum · 01/03/2020 08:02

Thank you everybody. Good point @BoredOfTheBoard no he doesn't treat everybody like that. He makes me feel like I don't know what is true and what's not anymore. I will go to the appointment with women and children first on Monday and see what they say.

It's now over two years that we have been separated so I wish he would just leave me alone tbh. Everything is all done by text as I refuse to speak to him on the phone and the texts always seem to peak when he is supposed to be spending time with the DC. He is more interested in controlling me and making sure he is putting himself in the middle of my child free time than spending time with his kids.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2020 14:24

Oh, I see that you are already separated.

Can you block his text messages? I understand that you have child arrangements to deal with, but honestly, I'd set up a special email account for him only. Then you can check it periodically after you've 'girded your loins' for dealing with his shit. Or you can have someone 'screen' the emails and give you only the dates/times/info you need. I did that for a friend because her ex sent her such vile abuse. Eventually she got strong enough to deal with it herself.

The thing about texts is they're so 'immediate'. BOOM, there they are right in your face! With email they can be delivered silently and you don't have to see them unless/until you are ready. You could always unblock him only when he has the children and then reblock him when they're home.

SpillTheTea · 01/03/2020 14:40

It's still abuse. If he doesn't treat anyone else like that, then he definitely knows what he's doing. He thinks he can get away with it with you. I'd get a no contact order.

TorkTorkBam · 01/03/2020 14:48

Who organises his time with the children? Do you chase him?

Tableclothing · 01/03/2020 14:57

Imo the vast majority of abusers think that what they do is completely reasonable. Physically violent men see themselves as the victim and wonder why their partners "make" them do it. Violent parents think it was "just a little tap". Emotionally abusive parents think they gave their kids everything, that they wanted for nothing - and that their estranged children are inexplicably selfish.

This is why it's so rare for abusers to change. They don't have insight into what they do, why, or what impact it has on others.

Agree with pp suggestions for screening out his bullshit.

Flip

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