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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU birthday night out

25 replies

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 21:09

Hi
Thanks in advance for reading this! I’ve had a pretty shitty 18 months with a family bereavement which caused ptsd to some extent and a period of dreadful depression as well as work problems etc etc! I’ve been on anti depressants and am really working on getting better 😊

I have given up drinking alcohol. Partly due to being on anti depressants but also partly because I was starting to rely on it too much to help me through things but it also made me anxious the next few days. I am very happy with my decision.

Unfortunately, my group of friends who were supportive when I was going through the bereavement are now saying they’re concerned that I’m not happy, don’t want to go out drinking and keep on telling me how miserable I seem. I was genuinely shocked as I’m an awful lot better than 12 months ago. I’ve realised how much these friendships were based around drinking wine and I really don’t think they like me being sober and see me as boring and no longer the life and soul of a party. I have explained them all that I’m sorry if it seems like I’m miserable but for the reasons mentioned above, I cannot drink alcohol. I have said this many many times.

It is my birthday next week. My friends told me they would arrange something to cheer me up and celebrate which I thought was lovely. I explained how much I was looking forward to it but I couldn’t drink. I have just been told that they’ve arranged to go to a cocktail bar for drinks as that will do me good to have a few and chill out and be happy again. They’ve arranged a taxi there so we can drink and not need to worry about getting home.

I am aware that my thoughts and feelings have been all over the place recently so not sure if I’m just feeling sorry for myself but does this seem a little unthoughtful at best and at worst actually a bit unkind to keep telling me I’m only fun when I drink?

OP posts:

Spied · 29/02/2020 21:17

You already know this but honestly these people aren't friends.
They have chosen to do something they enjoy and they couldn't care less about your wishes or about your well-being.
They liked helping you when you were having problems ( makes people like them feel important and they like to be 'seen' to be the shoulder to cry on etc).
They are not interested in your long-term happiness.

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 21:22

You’re right. I do know. I’m just finding it hard as they were supportive when I was really bad (well, they said all the right things!), and now they keep telling me what good friends they are and how worried they are about me as I don’t seem the same as before. I don’t feel the same after what I’ve been through - maybe I am a different person but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. People do change after significant life events but I do feel this is more about me not drinking and therefore changing the dynamics of the group as alcohol has always been a bit part of our socialising. Thank you for your reply x

OP posts:

Sophiesdog2020 · 29/02/2020 21:23

It’s very unkind and I think I would be telling them that you would prefer to celebrate with just a meal or such. It sounds like they haven’t taken on board the fact that you have given up drink, maybe they think it was a temporary abstinence and you will be fine by your birthday?

I think sometimes friends can’t cope with non drinkers, as it highlights how much they drink and they want everyone to drink as much as them.

I hardly drink these days, mainly as I am prone to migraines and alcohol is a trigger. I have a friend who is a big drinker and can’t understand why I am not. We used to joke with each other about our different drinking habits, but her attitude then turned bitchy, making comments and whispering about me when we met, regarding how little I was drinking. We are in our late 50s, not giggly teenagers! Fortunately we don’t live close so I can limit how often I see her.

Hope you can celebrate your birthday how YOU want to, not your friends.

It is also my birthday next week, I can guarantee that my friend will text me to ask how many drinks I am having! I will just ignore her....

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 21:31

We can ‘virtually’ celebrate a non alcohol birthday! Happy birthday for next week! I’m afraid it’s not that they think it’s temporary as I’ve been alcohol free for almost a year now. I did actually say today that I didn’t think I would be able to go out as I really can’t drink and their reply was they would be going anyway as they’d already planned it and to let them know when I can drink again to rearrange. 🤦🏻‍♀️
I think maybe I have changed a lot in the last year. I’m mid 40’s but feel older due to the things I’ve seen/been through. I don’t think I’ve become ‘miserable’ though. I guess I feel guilty that they were nice to me during a difficult time and now think I don’t like them because I can’t be the person I was before.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 21:32

I mean I don’t feel older than 44 just that I feel older than I did before the bereavement

OP posts:

FizzyPink · 29/02/2020 21:38

Wow these people are not your friends. I know the feeling as I stopped drinking for a while last year due to it really triggering anxiety at the same time I went on holiday with a friend who constantly told me how annoying it was I wasn’t drinking.
I think you need to stand firm and explain you really won’t be drinking. There’s a million things they could have planned that aren’t a cocktail bar

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 21:43

Yes thank you. That’s what I thought. To tell me they wanted to cheer me up by doing something for my birthday was nice. But for it to be a cocktail bar and then when I said I wouldn’t be able to go and drink saying they’d do it anyway is a bit mean really. The problem is I don’t have any other friends. But maybe no friends is better than these ones?

OP posts:

islandislandisland · 29/02/2020 21:50

I no longer drink for similar reasons to you and am thoroughly happy with my choice.
Naturally it's made me realise which friendships centred around going out drinking and those friendships have largely waned however my friendships with those who recognised and supported my need to stop drinking are much stronger now.
I socialise much less but I would rather this than try to keep up with my hard drinking friends and have them criticise my choices. Could you make some new friends by doing something that doesn't involve drinking? Sounds cliche but a sport or hobby maybe.

Surfer25 · 29/02/2020 21:55

That's awful OP.

They are not friends. Please don't go.

If you were my friend, I suggest a trip to a show or a meal and would be totally supportive.

They're not your friends.

FaithInfinity · 29/02/2020 22:05

I gave up alcohol for over a year. I was binge drinking, I’d lost control. The thing about stopping drinking is that it makes people who drink too much feel very uncomfortable. They don’t want other people to stop drinking! They want you back in the club. So you need to be clear that these plans don’t work for you and do something where there’s no alcohol. If they agree, they’re true friends. If they don’t, they were only ever drinking buddies.

islandislandisland · 29/02/2020 22:11

@FaithInfinity absolutely. The only friends who have questioned whether I really need to give up drinking or suggest I start again are those who also drink way too much.

Olawisk · 29/02/2020 22:11

I actually think they have been a bit shit.

If a friend had told me they were not drinking at all I would of done a birthday afternoon tea instead of cocktails.

(I love cake and scones)

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 22:42

Ah thank you for your lovely comments. I have started doing a few hobbies again so hopefully will meet more people this way. I actually feel much happier when I’m not worrying about trying to make them feel like I’m not miserable! Time to move on 😊

OP posts:

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 29/02/2020 22:50

They know you've given up drinking, it doesn't agree with you etc, and they arrange a drinking sesh for you for your birthday, thinking they know best?
They're not your friends, sorry, if they were they'd want to do something that you enjoyed and instead they've arranged something totally selfishly for themselves with a making you feel crap/doubting yourself to boot!

WotchaTalkinBoutWillis · 29/02/2020 22:53

I did actually say today that I didn’t think I would be able to go out as I really can’t drink and their reply was they would be going anyway as they’d already planned it and to let them know when I can drink again to rearrange

Wasn't for your birthday at all then, was it if they're going ahead and doing it anyway without you and "give them a call when you're drinking again?"
WTF lol
Bin them off and find nice friends.

Elieza · 29/02/2020 22:59

Youve done so well ditching the booze. Congrats!

True friends generally know what you would like for your birthday and would arrange it for you or ask you if they werent sure. Those people aren’t your friends. They just want a night out as THEY like booze. They are too stupid and selfish to realise you are not into that any more. They liked you better the way you were - like them. Stay strong OP.

I’d not be going to that night. I’d be saying to them once again for clarity ‘I’m not drinking alcohol any more, plus it will react badly with the medication the doctor has put me on, so it’s great you’d like to celebrate my birthday but can we go for a meal instead of a drink as I won’t be drinking?’
If they say no then you know where they stand, the booze has overtaken them and it’s ruling them. Sad really.

Oh and if you do go for a meal be prepared to go to a bar after and either don’t go with them or drink softies.

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 29/02/2020 23:10

Thank you! I know if I suggested going somewhere and not drinking then they would probably say ok but then find a way to get alcohol involved and either end up telling me I should drink or leave me drinking soft drinks whilst getting drunk and then saying the following day how worried they are about me as I didn’t seem to be having fun last night! So it’s best just to not go. I really am not fussy about birthdays. I’m not precious about things being about me but at the same time I’m trying to protect myself from a) being surrounded by alcohol and being told I’m boring and b) feeling crap that they don’t care enough to plan one of the many things that can be done without alcohol being involved.

OP posts:

Yesmate · 29/02/2020 23:21

I think that’s incredibly mean. They are dressing up caring about you for an excuse to go out. You don’t drink now, that’s fine. Why could they not have booked a meal or a theatre trip or any other thousands of things that don’t involve drinking?
You sound like you have come so far, please know that you are strong enough not to have people on your life that don’t enhance it. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever and although that’s upsetting it’s ok and quite liberating once you accept it.

Yambabe · 29/02/2020 23:31

These people are not your friends.

If they were your friends they might still arrange a trip to a cocktail bar but instead of saying you need to "have a few and chill out" they would be proud to have chosen somewhere with a good choice of non-alcoholic cocktails and pleased just to have you there.

Time to expand your horizons, get to know some new people and quietly start to drop these losers from your life OP.

cstaff · 29/02/2020 23:41

Bloody hell OP that is harsh. At the very least they could have organised a meal out where they could have had a few glasses of wine, but a cocktail bar - that's not on, especially from so called friends.

They should be supporting you and looking out for you but it appears that they are only looking out for themselves. Sorry OP

incognitomum · 29/02/2020 23:53

You need to start knocking about with grown ups. These aren't friends.

And yes it's better to have no friends than pretend friends. You can start afresh and meet new ones.

Happy birthday for next week

Original poster

Helpmyhair2019 · 01/03/2020 03:42

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It will be hard to do without being told I’m different//have changed/used to be more fun etc but I have to distance myself. If it was someone I didn’t know saying the same as I have on this thread I would be saying exactly the same as the rest of you! I need to say the same to myself 😊

OP posts:

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 01/03/2020 04:59

Oh I love birthdays and I dont really drink. It's just never really appealed. You can have just as much fun without alcohol! Trust me! Some of my husbands work friends don't understand it. They are like your friends so I never really get invited out with their partners. But I've figured life is too short to be around people that dont support you. I'm sure you will find better friends!

Purpleartichoke · 01/03/2020 05:01

Friends would have arranged a dinner someplace you can enjoy the food and linger with good conversation.

You may find if you go out and meet some new people, that most people don’t find being sober very unusual at all.

incognitomum · 01/03/2020 09:10

Yes positive affirmations

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