WWYSay - when young children ask about heaven? Trigger warning surrounding helping kids deal with death.

[Whatsername177]

My dd8 became quite upset last night as she was worried that she wasn't sure heaven was real. Her best friend's grandparent had died and it triggered some questions in her mind. 18 months ago, our cat died and, thus far, this has been her only experience of loss. She told me she was scared there wasn't really a heaven and said she was scared of dying and she was scared that the cat wasn't really at the rainbow bridge because there wasn't one. I told her that I sometimes wondered if there was an afterlife too, that I didn't know, and couldn't know, because I hadn't been. However, I decided that it was best to have faith so I choose to believe in heaven and the rainbow bridge. She was initially calmed (with lots of hugs) but today she has been sobbing again and I just dont think I've done a very good job at helping her. What do you say? We are not religious, I'm agnostic but DH is a staunch atheist which can make him a little dismissive of things like this. He thinks we should just tell her not to worry about it and distract her. I don't know what to say. Shes quite sensitive and a deep thinker. WDYD?

Read waterbugs and dragonflies. Problem is we don't know for sure do we. So hard

Nobody knows. My DM died last year when my DD was 3 and my DD still cries for her.

I'm an agnostic, but I DO believe that I will meet up with my wonderful mother again someday. I don't believe in Heaven as such, as it's a religious concept, but I believe that there must be something 'after'

A couple of books that might be helpful:

Grandad's Island (www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/Grandads-Island-Benji-Davies/dp/1471119955)?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-3836002-WWYSay-when-young-children-ask-about-heaven-Trigger-warning-surrounding-helping-kids-deal-with-death" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/Grandads-Island-Benji-Davies/dp/1471119955)

How Roland Rolls (www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/How-Roland-Rolls-Jim-Carrey/dp/0989368009)?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-3836002-WWYSay-when-young-children-ask-about-heaven-Trigger-warning-surrounding-helping-kids-deal-with-death" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/How-Roland-Rolls-Jim-Carrey/dp/0989368009)

I have bought my son a book called badgers last gift.

My son has been having some real issues with death anxiety - not sleeping, becoming hysterical at the thought of us or him dying. He was even soiling himself as a reaction.

It doesn’t say much about heaven, but refers to dying as being peaceful, and discusses what people left on earth can do to feel better.

We have told me son, that some people believe in heaven, some people don’t and asked him what he would like to believe in - he has decided he wants to believe that when people die they do to a big forest and all families have their own tree house and always feel happy and safe and loved. We let him talk about it as and when - slowly it’s become less now (thank god) he was talking about it constantly - no we’re down to maybe once a week.

Wearing my School Librarian hat...

Some useful resources here

www.theguardian.com/books/2020/feb/06/picture-books-on-prescription-the-new-chapter-in-childrens-mental-wellbeing

I have a few copies of 'Badger's Parting Gifts' by Susan Varley for 'emergencies'

www.goodreads.com/book/show/501033.Badger_s_Parting_Gifts

This one focuses on remembering a friend with love, and how they live on through our memories. It's very nicely done indeed.

I think it's important not to lie or be inauthentic. I actually think what you said was great. She's allowed to be frightened and sad and express those feelings. Squashing them by 'distracting' her (as your dh would) is not the best way, though it may seem the most expedient to him.

Yikes, I’m an atheist but I know I’m going to have to go against that for the sake of my DC one day - I’ll explain what I really think when they’re adults if they want me to but as children I won’t be dismissive.

Honestly I’m not sure how you can reassure her, except to maybe ask her about what worries her most and why it upsets her? If she hasn’t already said that might give you a good idea how to proceed?

I was raised by atheist Grandparents and they would sort of deflect this kind of question when I was little. So my Granddad did some reading and told me different cultures and religions ideas on what happens when we die and said that I should go with whichever one I liked most. His most committed comment was “nobody can know for certain but if there are so many people who believes there’s something that comes after and do you think that many people would be wrong?” I was probably about 8/9yo at the time and it seemed to put it to rest for me until I was old enough to think about it properly for myself (when I was 15 and said Granddad passed away). I hope some of my ramble helps.

Thanks for the book suggestions @Daftodil - my twins have a little brother who was born sleeping so I know there’ll be questions when they’re older, I might order those two books now and start thinking of what my answers will be!

I think what you said was great. I’d probably further it by talking about the importance of living a good life and making the most of our time together. I’d also go on to say that whilst it’s sad when people we love go and we don’t know what happens after they’ve gone, they always live in through our memory and that’s why it’s important we remember and feel happy whilst remembering.

I have a beautiful book called ‘The day the sea went out and never came back’ which is part of a series by Margot Sunderland.
It doesn’t give answers, but helps explain that the feelings of grief change over time.

I have wondered about this as I wouldn't say heaven was real to a child when I don't believe in it. I think maybe I would talk about all of the different things people believe and ask what they thought.

I tell my dc that we don't know what happens, and we talk about how Grandma believes in heaven, and then about my and their df's beliefs. I tell them that all the beliefs agree that dying isn't scary. But that they get to decide what they believe.

We've generally been very honest about our beliefs, or lack of rather, with the children, and I think what you said was fine - you gave her what she needed at the time and it worked, trust yourself. I'm also not ashamed to say that I once flat out lied my bum off to my youngest when he was about 6yo and terribly, terribly distressed about dh and me dying. You do what you need to do.