To be annoyed re her text on meeting up even though she always cancels ?

[idontlike789]

I have 2 friends will call them Mary and Jack . Jack I have been friends with for 20 years , Mary maybe 18 years .
Anyway me Mary and Jack would regularly meet up sometimes on occasion me and Jack or me and Mary but mostly the 3 of us and the odd occasion another friend would join us will call her Sue .
Jack has had quite a bit of mental health problems the last few years so not seen much of him , regular contact but not seen him in person . recently since the beginning of the year he has been much better.
So as Jack has been unwell the last couple of years me & Mary would make arrangements to meet up and occasionally Sue .
Each and every time would arrange to meet up Mary would cancel , one time it was mutual but all the other times it was Mary . Also I should add Mary always keen to meet up but wouldn't name a date and when I would give her options it would be I don't mind then she would cancel and a couple of times last minute usually due to work or hospital appointment that she forgot about etc . Mary would never offer a alternative date it would just be can't make it .
The last occasion was 12 months ago it was my birthday , a few other friends were invited too . Mary was for some reason quite anxious about the place we were meeting up even though I purposely choose a city centre bar next to the train station . She was worried that she wouldn't be able to find it and wanted Jack to meet her so they could go together. Anyway on the day Mary cancelled because she was ill . Jack came and sympathised with Mary because he said she was ill . I was sympathetic but at the same time annoyed too for cancelling last minute . I decided that perhaps the friendship with Mary had run its course as clearly wasn't keen on meeting up so I made no further attempts to contact after last time .
Anyway as I say Jack has been much better recently so made arrangements to meet up not heard from Mary since last year .

Jack contacted Mary to say we were meeting up . Yesterday Mary text me to say me and Jack were wondering where and what time we are meeting next week . I text back at time that's best for me and said we can sort where next week . Mary did not reply back .
I'm just wondering aibu to be a little bit miffed with Mary for a) cancelling each and every time on me in the last 2-3 years and b) the whole me & jack situation like they have discussed it and wants to come now Jack is coming and again want me to make all the arrangements. I feel like saying why do you need to know everything in advance for if your going to cancel . And why should I decide when , where and what time there is never any suggestions from Mary too .
I feel like I have made these arrangements time and time again and they want me to arrange and then cancel .
I'm sorry it's a little long but I know if Mary does come next week I will get a very long story about why she couldn't make it last time because I'm guessing Jack would have said I'm a little bit miffed with her .
Am I right to be annoyed or am I being silly ?

Mary doesn’t want to meet up if it’s just the two of you. Something about the dynamic without jack makes her feel awkward. She won’t cancel now jack is back on board so go ahead and make the arrangements that suit you.

why keep texting - if you're that bothered, call her and have a conversation - remember those?

Mary sounds anxious, Jack has sort of been telling you this and it’s clear through your comment about not wanting to meet at a certain place in case she couldn’t find it and then being ill. I don’t think it’s just Jack who is struggling with his mental health, you don’t have to be inconvenienced by it but if Mary was a good friend despite this then I’d probably be a bit more understanding.

I agree with Toffeecakes, Mary sounds like she has significant anxiety and maybe it keeps getting the better of her....

Mary suffers anxiety I think. She probably feels really shitty you think she’s a bad friend, try and be more understanding like you was of Jacks mental health.

Sounds like Mary is anxious of social situations. Jack is aware of this and meets Mary early to help her.

Why don’t you reply and ask her where she fancies going?

I agree Mary has anxiety issues about going out, can you pick quiet places near where she lives or just meet at your homes? Surely seeing each other if more important than the venue ?

@Fr0g we have many phone conversations the last one was when she was quite anxious about where my birthday drinks were I explained is was right next to the station ( it's a well known bar ) you literally can see it opposite and i was more than happy to meet her she knew that . You are probably right about the anxiety do you think I should ask her about it ?
It's just she makes all the right noises extremely enthusiastic can't wait etc then cancels on me by text suddenly remembers she has a hospital appointment etc . @HyperStella
That's what annoys me further that she doesn't want to meet up with me , she's the one suggesting but I have to make the arrangements. I'd rather she say oh let's wait until Jack is better that would of been fine with me but it was that she seems so keen to meet up .

If you still like Mary and enjoy her company when she turns up, would continue to invite her via group messaging, also including Sue, suggest a couple of time/days and a place and invite others’ suggestions. If she doesn’t turn up you could still catch up with Jack and Sue.

YANBU
You know what Mary is like by now. If you want her there invite her. If you don't, then don't. And if these two are not your friends anymore then don't bother meeting up.

If you no longer want contact with Mary, just meet Jack and/or Sue.

I agree with HyperStella. It may be anxiety or it might be something else but she doesn’t want to go out with just you. And she’s actually been sending you quite strong signals for a year so I’m surprised you kept arranging meet ups, which she’s had to continually cancel.

I have a similar experience with a friend. I chose the push back the decision making onto them by offering limited choices. 3 dates, 2 times, 2 venues then clarified the arrangement. I would expect the evening to be cancelled or (sometimes, more annoying as it was likely they knew in advance) a slight tweak just prior to the meet up.

Like you, I stopped asking and it’s just fizzled out over time. The other part of the trio and I do still meet up.

@fedup
I'm always saying please you choose this time but it's always I don't mind.
It's the same with arranging a date if I say the 4th and the 20th I can do what's best for you Mary , she'll say' I don't mind ' so I say the 4th then but then she's cancelled but no suggesting of changing to later date .

Mary obviously has anxiety issues. BUT that said, she has to recognise how her constant cancelling affects people. She might have MH issues but we all have to be responsible for how our behaviour affects others. You are right to feel annoyed- you are entitled to your feelings JUST AS MUCH as mary is entitled to her feelings of anxiety.
I would put the ball in Mary's court-- let her pick a place that allows her to feel safe/calm. If it gets to the last minute and she/they cancel again then I would re-think the friendship. Purely because this is getting ridiculous otherwise- most of us just dont have the time to arrange a meet up then to have to cancel it yet again, its just not practical. It wouldnt have been so bad if Mary had explained to you what her issue was but she hasn't, she just keeps ducking out of things which makes it very hard to actually chat with her.

Bottom line- she has every right to cancel on your plans to protect her mental health.
You have every right to end the friendship if this is getting too much or too annoying for you.

She's probably dreading having to explain why she kept cancelling etc, so wants to make sure she isn't the focus of your get-together. I imagine she needs other people there to avoid being under your spotlight, as she is bound to know you'll be pissed off with her.

You've been patient and sympathetic about Jack's problems. I think Mary's are perhaps not dissimilar but she hasn't confided in you.

@Nekoness I haven't arranged anything for a year these meet-ups / cancellations have been going on for years I fact I checked last night and I don't think I've seen Mary for 3-4 years thought it was at least 2 maybe 3 years .
Last year was the final straw I've not contacted her and she's not contacted me .
I sympathise in fact I'm worried for her if she's unwell but I think there is more to it . I've not arranged this recent meet up Jack has and he's contacted Mary . I'm happy to see Mary but to me it was Jack who was arranging this so find it odd why she's contacting me to make the arrangements again .

What age are you?

Life's too short to be fannying about like this.

Just don't bother any more.

If you enjoy meeting up with jack then just arrange to meet up. If she doesnt come, it's fine because you're with jack and enjoying yourself. If she cancels again, ask her how come she wants to meet up but keeps cancelling every single time?

To be honest I’d ask her outright, if she does have MH problems maybe that’s what she needs, if she’s given ‘permission’ to tell you then she won’t feel like she’s over sharing and you’ll get to the bottom of it, it might be less annoying that way.

Jack was more forthcoming about his issues which is probably why you are happy to meet with him despite no meet ups in a while. It seems Mary was trying to meet but then her anxiety may have got the better of her. Because she wasn't as forthcoming you don't know if she was anxious or if she just doesn't like direct contact with you. I'd give her the benefit of doubt if you still enjoy her company.

“ she’s had to continually cancel”

Mary didn’t “have to” cancel because OP occasionally suggested meeting up. Mary had many other, better choices such as declining the invitations or suggesting alternatives.

Sounds like she wants to meet up, but her mental health issues ramp up close to the time and the only way she feels safe is to not go.

I have a couple of friends like this. I tend to arrange easy no-cost stuff eg meet you in X Wetherspoons at 7pm - so if it’s cancelled it’s no big deal. No time spent arranging stuff, and not really an inconvenience if they don’t show.