Great-grandchildren.

[GA2012]

Hi all, sadly I’ve recently lost my grandad and my children’s great grandad. I was incredibly close to him therefore so were my children. They don’t really fully understand. They are 9 (but young for age) and 4.

All my immediate family know how much he loved all his grandchildren and two great grandchildren.. so that’s not an issue.

But speaking to other people about it. I’m being made to feel that great children aren’t important.

We’ve been given sympathy cards as a family. To his wife, his children and grandchildren but many haven’t acknowledged the great grandchildren. Even if they don’t know their names they could write and his great grandchildren or similar.

My own cousin has written a card to all of us but not included my children’s names... my other cousin has sent me a card and not written my children’s name in it. Is it normal not to write children’s names in a sympathy card?

I was speaking to someone about him the other day and how my 9 year old is confused about it all. I was asked if my children even knew him that well. Of course they did. I think people assume that grandparents don’t know their great grandchildren very well or they are too elderly to have a close relationship with them.

My grandad was only in his 70s so not particularly elderly. He was very switched on and very healthy until recently. He has played a huge part in my children’s life.

Aibu to think great grandchildren are really important to? And people are wrong in assuming any different? We aren’t a huge family. My grandparents only have 4 grandchildren. I’m the only one with children myself.

Also I never had a biological dad so my grandad was like the father figure in my life!

I am so sorry for your loss. With the greatest respect I think in your grief you may be overthinking this. I think anyone kind enough to send a card would not be unkind enough to disregard your children’s feelings. Just concentrate on looking after yourselves

Well you obviously did have a biological father or you wouldn't exist, but your grandfather was the father figure in your life, which is why his death is so hard for you.

But I do think you're over thinking people putting your children's names, or not. They probably haven't signed the card from their children either. In England children are often kept away from funerals altogether. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but etiquette wise, children are often excluded from matters surrounding death.

Sometimes great-grandchildren are in the same bracket as grandchildren.

I’m close with my cousin’s children but to outsiders they’re just referred to as cousins.

My Nan has a box of toys for the grandkids. Her youngest grandchild is 20, therefore the box is for her Great-grandkids and great-great grandchildren. Same with nobody calls her Great-nan, just Nan.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

I think the relationship between children and great-grandparents is one where there'll be huge variation from family to family - unlike with grandparents where it's usual to think of them as a close relative. I imagine the people outside your immediate family who aren't acknowledging your children's loss are perhaps basing this on their own families being different.

With sympathy cards, it might seem rather clumsy or over-precise to include a long list of names, when the focus should be on the condolences. I usually write 'to GA2012 and your family' or similar. I am sure no one meant to exclude your children or be hurtful.

YANBU to say that your grandad was an important figure in your children's life. I'm sure the people writing the cards think that too. It's hard to get it right in these situations. I'm sure they don't mean to hurt your feelings.

I’m so sorry for your loss I do think you’re overthinking it, understandable in your grief. I have a similar relationship to my grandparents, and my children are never referred to as “great grandchildren” by grandparents or anybody else. They’re simply ‘grandchildren’ the same as me. Which I like, as it reflects the closeness of their relationship.

I never write the children on the card. You are wildly overthinking this.

I also think you need to consider how unusual your situation is. My 8 year old does not have all his grandparents alive, let alone his great grandparents. Most people probably won’t consider that the great grandchildren exist.

My mum has just died. Sympathy cards were just written to me and not my children - I didn’t give it a second thought. I think you are over thinking this a bit. With regards to children understanding this will come in time. My children are 6 and 4 and I’ve spoken very openly about mums illness and then her death. We’ve gone down the “heaven” route. She was bed ridden at the end so my kids are happy she isn’t poorly anymore and can now run around heaven and have fun with her own mummy and daddy

@LynetteScavo obviously I’m aware I have a biological father but he hasn’t been around since my mum was pregnant with me so he’s never been around.

Thanks all. I totally get all your points but cards have been sent and the senders know the family well enough to do know there are great grandchildren and know their names.

Also it’s the first time I’ve lost someone close to me. So I have no idea what’s normal..

It’s just that my youngest sibling is 12 herself and her names been written on some the cards. I’m just a little confused!

Condolences for your loss. I don't think people are consciously excluding your children and implying that they are not important. I would not think to include children on a sympathy card, I think you are feeling very sensitive and overthinking things.

In a lot of cases you'll find people will generally send cards to the spouse and children specifically.

When my Nana and Grandad died that extended to grandchildren as they brought my siblings and I up for a time. The other grandchildren that they didn't bring up were sometimes included by name, sometimes by 'grandchildren' and sometimes not at all

You'll also find people who haven't had that generation in their family won't even think of it. When I met DH he was slightly amazed that I'd known my Great-Grandparents well because his were all dead by the time he was born whereas one of my Great-Grandmothers met my eldest children (and my nephews) so was a Gr-Gr Grandmother

It's not a deliberate snub

When writing a sympathy card, I usually put 'and family' to include all the family, but I agree with pp, if I were to write 'Grandchildren' I would mean all Grandchildren, including Greats. I don't think people are deliberately excluding your children.