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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with this friend.

23 replies

caulkheaded · 28/02/2020 14:45

Tonight we’re celebrating my birthday with a booked activity. Eight of us are going including friend, her boyfriend and mine.

Her boyfriend lives in the same city as mine, which is 30 mins from me and 75 from her. It’s 90 mins from her - me so if she comes up she usually sees him and not me. I’m okay with that, although we both say we’d like to see each other more.

Today she’s said she’s having dinner with him, doing my birthday event (with him) then going for drinks with him but can she stay at mine.

I reminded her that she and I had planned to have food pre/post birthday and she apologised but said she wanted to see her boyfriend, assumed I would be seeing mine. I explained that I see him a lot, rarely see her so would like to see her. Sorry. Not possible. She wants to see him.

They’ve been together for 9 months and it’s been like this consistently. We’ve talked about it a lot and she always says that she sees him rarely (every weekend) so it’s precious time and she doesn’t have any more time. I’m usually fine about this but I’m miffed that’s it’s my birthday and I’d like her to prioritise me. I suggested we do dinner as a four but she said no, wants it to be just them.

So AIBU to be annoyed or AINBU and it’s just what happens in couples - get over it.

OP posts:

Nowayorhighway · 28/02/2020 14:51

I think this is normal in new relationships, it’s just the honeymoon phase and will die down.

antisupermum · 28/02/2020 14:52

I would be annoyed for sure. If she wants to spend so much time with her boyfriend she should stay with him.

How is it even going to logistically work; you meet up for the event, you both go your separate ways for drinks with different groups and she just gets to show up at your home later this evening when it suits her? I would tell her that you have plans for the evening which may include staying out most of the night drinking & dancing and you don't know when you will be home. Seeing as she won't be with you, it simply won't work for her to stay with you!

Batqueen · 28/02/2020 14:54

I wouldn’t be impressed with a friend doing that on my birthday. She can’t even manage a double date yet expects to be able to stay with you! So she gets what she wants but is unwilling to make any effort to maintain the friendship. That’s being a bad friend.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 28/02/2020 14:55

Why can't she stay at her boyfriend's place if she wants to be with him as much as possible?

Tell her you're staying at your bf's place after and so it won't be possible for her to stay at your house.

Original poster

caulkheaded · 28/02/2020 14:56

She has a key, it’s her house. We became friends when I moved in when she was renting some rooms and I was new to the city. She lives away for work and used to come back here every weekend but now either stays in her city or with the boyfriend.

I guess I didn’t think the honeymoon period would last this long!! My relationship is newer, and love being with my boyfriend but see him a lot so would like to see her!

OP posts:

Thehop · 28/02/2020 14:56

I would be fine with her doing activity with you and then going out with boyfriend but not with her then using you as a hotel! That’s CF!

AryaStarkWolf · 28/02/2020 14:56

I get that head over heels honeymoon period but I don't see why the four of you couldn't go out together, also why can't she stay over at his?

Thehop · 28/02/2020 14:56

If it’s her house you can’t stop her.

Original poster

caulkheaded · 28/02/2020 14:58

Sorry to not be clear about the house thing. She would happily stay at his, I think the staying with me is “oh it’ll be lovely for us to catch up” but it won’t because she’ll be out till late then we’re both out early tomorrow.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 28/02/2020 15:00

Message her that it's obviously up to her if she stays with you but that you doubt you'll see her.

HelloBambinos · 28/02/2020 15:02

I'd tell her that's fine but she won't be staying at yours. It's not a petty response if she tried to go down that road. She cannot dictate to you on YOUR birthday what happens. She made a commitment and is now assuming that gracing you with her presence at night (which is only actually to suit her) is enough. I understand couples want to spend time together but she would be a bit of a rubbish friend to dump you for your birthday celebrations but then stay at yours because its easier for her. I really can't understand her logic here. It's not as though you hadn't invited him as well. She is being quite selfish.

HelloBambinos · 28/02/2020 15:07

Oh it's her house. Well with regards to that she can stay there obviously but doesn't mean you have to entertain her so she feels like she's made an effort on your birthday because she really hasn't. Just stay with your bf or if you are at home then just go to bed.. Not sure why you can't all just go together as timings if returning home would differ. I wouldn't want to feel rushed in my birthday celebrations because my friend ditched me but now wants me to go home to spend some time together so she doesn't feel bad.. Whichever way you look at this scenario she's being a rubbish friend.

Original poster

caulkheaded · 28/02/2020 15:08

It’s been like this for a while, and I know some of this is my stuff playing out but it’s helpful to have some perspective.

She recently said that my boyfriend might have only asked me out because he’s jealous of her and her boyfriend, so I’m probably feeling more sensitive about it all as she’s hurt me a lot (so I’m probably looking out for it!)

She’s lovely but quite blinkered and that isn’t great.

OP posts:

HelloBambinos · 28/02/2020 15:08

*of not if..

Also with regards of 'go to bed' I mean bedroom not necessariky sleep.. Though depends what time you return him I suppose.. Has she set a time for you to be back so she can spend time with you?

forrestgreen · 28/02/2020 15:15

Just treat her as a landlord. Back away from the friendship after this.

Does she still have a room at yours if have you rented the whole house from her.

opticaldelusion · 28/02/2020 15:21

This seems quite hurtful. Nine months is also a long time to be with someone still to the exclusion of the other people in your life. The comment about your fella is bitchy. She seems very self absorbed. Why do you work so hard to keep her as a friend?

HollowTalk · 28/02/2020 15:24

She recently said that my boyfriend might have only asked me out because he’s jealous of her and her boyfriend

She's lovely

She really isn't! She's an absolute bitch.

Original poster

caulkheaded · 28/02/2020 15:25

When she’s good she’s very good. We were very very close till the boyfriend came along. I even set them up because I knew they would get on well, but I didn’t see it being like this!

She is self-absorbed but she’s often aware of that ie she forgot I started a new job but then apologised, acknowledging she had only been thinking of herself.

Part of me thinks it will go back to how it used to (although I obv know it won’t!!)

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/02/2020 15:35

She recently said that my boyfriend might have only asked me out because he’s jealous of her and her boyfriend, so I’m probably feeling more sensitive about it all as she’s hurt me a lot

Exactly what @hollowtalk said. She does not sound "lovely" at all, by which I mean she's lovely when she wants to be but effectively is only turning up to the activity part of your birthday. Unless she means staying at your place means you can spend some time together late evening or at breakfast? Otherwise it might mean you have to change your plans for the next day to accomodate her. I wouldn't.
This person is undermining you.

I'd stop expecting as much from her in future and don't let her get away with put downs like that. Leave it up to her to make arrangements to see you and see if she makes the effort.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 28/02/2020 15:39

Changing agreed plans is just rude

If she had agreed to spend the evening a certain way, presumably since she had a boyfriend, she is BU to change her mind.

If nothing was really agreed, then nothing wrong with wanting some time with boyfriend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2020 15:45

Sorry, but I'm confused. She is coming out to your birthday event and wants to stay over with you? But you're pissed off?

It sounds as though she's trying to offer you a compromise. Maybe she hoped to stay up late and catch up with you?

Also if she's so keen on spending time with him, why isn't she staying at his?

Original poster

caulkheaded · 28/02/2020 17:00

Green my annoyance is that we had agreed to have dinner together, and/or hang out together post birthday event and now she is spending the time with her boyfriend instead.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 28/02/2020 17:09

If you're renting the whole house, then it's up to you say that it's not convenient for her to stay. If you're only renting a room, then she can stay if she likes, it's her house, but you're not obliged to be there to entertain her. Just make it clear that you're going out for your birthday and that you're not making any plans that might curtail the evening.

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