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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama while pregnant

20 replies

MJJG · 28/02/2020 11:07

I dont know how to handle recent news from a dear friend. We have been friends for many years. She was a bridesmaid for me last year, did a reading and helped dress shop etc for my wedding. I have recently learnt I'm not part of her wedding party which hurt, but ok. I have not been asked to play any sort of role which has shocked me since we always talked about weddings and how each other would be involved. But what has really hurt and has left me wondering if I should even stay friends is that last time I saw her (when I drove 4 hours each way to see her while pregnant) she told me it might be awkward at her hen do if I go as I'll be heavily pregnant. I said I would drive anywhere and still want to be apart of it even at 7-8 months, but it's up to her and her day even though I'll be gutted to miss it. She responded by saying she might plan it for the month I'm due - so I wont be going. I just felt so hurt she does not want me involved and has made me feel I'm an inconvenience that I'm pregnant. I cried the whole 4 hours home and have just been avoiding speaking to her since. I dont know if we've just outgrown each other or to have it out.

OP posts:

CaribouCarafe · 28/02/2020 11:12

I think her actions speak for themselves - you care more about her than she does about you. If she wanted you to be involved she would have made you part of the wedding party and arranged the hen do for a date that you could attend.

I'm sorry OP but if I were you I would distance myself from her. It's not fair for you to put all the effort into this relationship (driving 8 hours to see her whilst pregnant!) whilst she seems to put barely any effort at all

cliodh · 28/02/2020 11:16

I wouldn't have it out with her - at the end of the day she's entitled to invite who she wants - but take it as a clear signal to dial the friendship back. Don't drive 4 hours to see her again while you're pregnant - wait and see if she does the same to visit you and baby. If not, demote her to 'acquaintance'.

OhCaptain · 28/02/2020 11:20

Some people are very into the idea that babies and children are the ruination of weddings.

She could be struggling with infertility.

She could just not be into the friendship anymore.

It could be hundreds of reasons and I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it, unfortunately.

I think driving for 8 hours while pregnant to see her, and no effort on her part to even meet halfway, is telling.

I wouldn’t have my friend doing that! I’m sorry, @MJJG

BumbleBeee69 · 28/02/2020 11:24

Forget the excuses she might potentially give... ultimately she's been a nasty bitch... cut her off

Strangerthingshere · 28/02/2020 11:28

I wouldn't have it out with her. Id try to accept you have grown apart, unfortunately you value her more than she values you. Time to let the friendship go.

Original poster

MJJG · 28/02/2020 11:30

Thank you for replies. I agree with you all. I just dont know what I have done so I was just shell shocked. Maybe I have upset her in some way. She was great at my wedding and I think it's only fair I go to hers and be supportive but I'm not going to the hen, even if she changes the date back so I can go - I'd feel a right lemon. We are / were really close and she always said she wanted children (we hoped it would be around the same time) but she is not trying until after her wedding so I don't think it's an infertility issue. It took months to conceive for me and it was very stressful which I shared with her. In the last 6 months she has moved hours away so we are probably growing apart naturally but I hadn't let go yet. Thanks for the advice ❤

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FizzyIce · 28/02/2020 11:30

It’s probably because she doesn’t want to have to worry about you while she’s trying to enjoy herself , selfish but I kind of get it .
I wouldn’t do it myself though

Clangus00 · 28/02/2020 11:35

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
Sadly this friendship is over. She doesn't want you, she doesn't want you at her hen or in any part of her wedding.
As others have said, you care more than she does.
Send a wedding card and let the friendship go. And yes, as @BumbleBeee69 said, she's a nasty bitch.
Sorry.

crapette · 28/02/2020 11:41

Crying for 4 hours (whilst driving) is just ridiculous.

Original poster

MJJG · 28/02/2020 11:49

Thanks crapette 😂 not the four hours solid

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 28/02/2020 11:55

Ouch!
Maybe she wanted her old mate to come and get sloshed / bungee jump / go in the sauna for hours, but you are off games for the time being and she feels there is no point you being there otherwise?
And maybe she only wants stick thin bridesmaids and no crying babies in the background (having people coo over them)?
Pull back a bit, but give her time. In a year she may regret all this, and it's a shame to throw away a really good friendship in a hurry.

Nowayorhighway · 28/02/2020 11:56

I don’t think she views you as a best friend in the way you do her, sorry. I would probably skip the wedding and bow out of the friendship.

Flutteringsatlast · 28/02/2020 11:57

Your bump will distract her guests from the main event.
Her.
Well swerved imo.

AgeOld · 28/02/2020 11:58

Does she not just want a drunken hen party so is thinking she'll book it while you're due in a clumsy way of saying you don't need to come? Are you invited to the wedding but she didn't make you bridesmaid etc in case the baby was too much on top?

Or it could well be that she just doesn't see you as a close friend but I'd have to check before flapping down emotional wreck road.

Sparklesocks · 28/02/2020 12:05

I’m sorry that it’s painful, but it does sound like she doesn’t feel the same way the friendship as you do. Try and let go, concentrate on your pregnancy and redirect that energy into friends who appreciate you.

Original poster

MJJG · 28/02/2020 12:05

The baby will be 3 months at the wedding if all goes well and they are allowed to come. She is having quite a few kids not just mine.

I think she might just want small bridal party or not want to put me out, I'm not that upset about bridesmaid situation. It's just the overall feeling of not been included. Like if she said doni mind skipping hen but we will go for a lovely lunch or spa day I would have been happy.

Plus I'm a 8-10 (for now) so hoping its not because she's worried about me in pictures 😂

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crapette · 28/02/2020 14:06

I was responding to I cried the whole 4 hours home

But now that isn't true? Soooo much drama.

crapette · 28/02/2020 14:35

Sorry OP - I realise that I am being a nit-picking misery guts.

Your friend isn't being very kind - no real need for me to join in too

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/02/2020 14:38

I can understand if she was planning a very active or raucous hen do, but she hasn't made any attempt to spare your feelings.
She could for example have a pre wedding lunch with you instead of a hen do if she felt that would be bit much... Even allowing for pregnancy hormones it must have come across as a bit of a chill factor/callous presentation if it made you cry so much driving home, only you know if you should trust your instincts on this.
It all sounds a bit harsh.
Normally, I'd say to blithely ignore this behavior and don't give her the satisfaction and focus instead on your new baby but given how upset you are and how inexplicable it seems, I think that this might niggle away at you.
So maybe have an attempt at an honest chat and ask her outright what her reasoning is.
You have nothing to lose and even if you don't like the answer at least you will know the truth and will have had a chance to have your say. It may be that there is an explanation you haven't thought of.. perhaps she's worried that some of the "hens" she is obliged to invite might be too rowdy for a heavily pregnant friend? Or she's got relatives being difficult about the wedding party.
You won't know until you ask her. Its not humiliating yourself to ask her out right. She's the one who should be embarrassed. Best wishes for your pregnancy x

Original poster

MJJG · 28/02/2020 14:57

Thanks everyone ❤

Crapette I did exaggerate. Was crying on and off. Maybe due to pregnancy hormones too.

I imagine it may come up naturally in conversation, we will naturally distance from each other until it fizzles out or I'll put my big girl pants on and decide to just forgive / forget. My only options really. I really appreciate the responses 👍

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