... To ask what makes someone "good enough"

[Yesivenamechanged11]

Doing some work on my poor self esteem with a therapist. A lot of the issues I've been having boil down to me feeling like I'm not good enough, but then I'm not sure what, if anything, would make me think I'm good enough so I thought I'd ask here.

What traits/characteristics/behaviours do you associate with being a good person, being "good enough" or, for those of you who would say they have a healthy self esteem, what shapes that?

I think this boils down to the people around you.

If you are confident people don’t tend to question it. If you have self doubt people can’t or won’t boost your ego like they do with confident people.

Does that makes sense?

It’s a bit like rich people being given things for free.

My self-esteem fluctuates wildly, but I'd associate 'good' and 'good enough' with the general notion of trying your best - trying to help others, trying not to be deliberately hurtful, trying not to engage in harmful behaviours such as gossip, clique-forming. The 'trying' there is important because we are all human and will have lapses.

'Good enough' could also refer to lifestyle - in other words, do you function and get by? We can't all have a high-flying career, spotless house, be the perfect partner or parent, but do you generally manage to get along somehow, even if it's a struggle and you need support?

I'd look at it from a trying-not-to-be-perfectionist viewpoint.

• So if you've a friend who is very ill, offer her what support you can without adversely affecting your own health and mental wellbeing. You don't have to do everything at 100% to be "good".

• If you're making a cake for the PTA, don't stay up until 3am making it perfect, it only has to be half-decent.

• If you're on a get fit kick, don't beat yourself up when you miss a session, just do what you reasonably can and be content with that.

• If you want your house to look perfect, then concentrate on it being safe enough to be clean, same with the children. You don't need everything to be insagrammable perfection. If the children are alive, happy, and on a reasonable diet, then the nights you feed them fishfingers are fine.

I struggle with maintaining good self-esteem myself. I associate good self-esteem with not being scared to call bs wten someone is taking the piss.

I think “good enough” for what? Or whom? The first and only person who needs to be able to look you in the eye is you, OP. What are your values? How happy are you that you live them?

I had a lovely, stable, supportive and interested family upbringing. None of my family were perfect, obviously, but they always made me feel that my opinion mattered and was important, and none of them were ever angry (outside of normal childhood tellings-off, obv) or dismissive of me.

This left me with pretty secure self-confidence, good models for reasonable behaviour, and good boundaries for not letting others do things which would impact that. So for instance, i know that i try to live my life with kindness and gentleness because i admire those traits. So if anyone, stranger or supposed friend tried to tell me i was a bitch or not good enough or worthless, i would be fairly confident in knowing that was part of their issues, not mine and it wouldn’t rock my world.

Is that the sort of thing you meant? I do think that if you don’t have that foundation of people (even just one person) telling you that you are good enough, that you are in fact great in your own way, during childhood then it is much harder -but crucially not impossible - to reach that belief in later life.

Try not to think in terms of ‘self-esteem’ but ‘self-compassion’. ‘Self-esteem’ relies on setting some sort of standard for good enough, but that standard is bound to be arbitrary and it guarantees you will feel extra shit if things go wrong and you can’t meet the random standard. Self-compassion starts from the idea that suffering and disappointment and not fulfilling your entire potential are fundamental parts of the human experience. Literally everyone will do things badly or make a tit of themselves or behave like an arse at various points in life, and self-compassion is about tolerating the pain of those universal shit experiences, comforting ourselves, dusting ourselves off and getting back into the fray. Rather than telling ourselves how shit we are.

It is a really really interesting question. I am having to think hard about it.
I agree that having a loving accepting stable childhood is a big starting point but am asking myself why that is and how someone who missed that can still get to a point where they feel confident in their own self worth.
Who are we trying to be good enough for is one question.
I think much of my confidence comes from having a strong Christian faith where I believe I am here for a purpose, not random and that I am unconditionally loved by God despite whatever other people may think of me. So I know I am good enough for His love but also have a motivation to try and live a Christlike love where I can. When I fail, I do not beat myself up, just try again.
You are a precious human being and you absolutely ARE good enough but there will always be things that we can improve on and that will be a lifelong journey.
It would be interesting to know what/who you are not good enough at/for if that makes sense!

The difference for me, post therapy, is that I’m good enough for me and therefore if someone doesn’t like me I don’t assume it’s because of something terrible about me. I’ve got all sorts of flaws but try and be compassionate rather than critical to myself.

Thank you all for your replies, some very interesting angles to consider and some I identify with.

I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents as a child, and with a dysfunctional extended family I felt very much alone, with school being the only place where I had any chance of gaining any form of approval.
As I've got older that endless search for approval and unconditional acceptance has got me into a number of situations (think trying to fix messed up partners, one way friendships etc) and when it's gone wrong I've always blamed myself and that if I was "good enough" I wouldn't be treated badly, or conversely I'd try to be something I'm not because maybe the real me isn't likeable/loveable enough...
Perhaps I should start exploring my values and some self compassion in more detail.
Thanks all

We often seek the qualities we see in our relations.

You are seeking out bad friendships and bad relationships as that is all you know

I don't actively seek them @GreenTulips, I don't want bad friendships or relationships that make me thoroughly miserable, this is why I'm in therapy!

I want to break the cycle not just for me but for my DC's sakes, and I know that relationships can be satisfying, fulfilling and respectful if you have a strong sense of self.

Unfortunately my experiences have been largely negative but by working on myself I hope to not feel like utter shit from either being used and abused, or having to enforce a boundary and be made to feel like a shit for doing so

You are good enough simply by being alive. You don't need to do or be anything in particular.

Good enough when you try hard and good enough when you feel shit and don't want to get out of bed.

Self compassion is right. Time to grieve what happened to you and also to grieve the mistakes you made that led to further hurt for yourself. Only once you have grieved will you be able to move on and make different choices, through having developed an active and working sense of compassion and awareness of yourself.

There is a blog called the Unlost which focuses on "good enough"

Read something by Brené Brown. Here's a blurb on one of her books:

"In the book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Dr Brené Brown, vulnerability is defined as “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.” Brené says that “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity."

Daring to be vulnerable is hard when you're trying to guard your self esteem, but I've come to realise that it's necessary in order to live a full life. If you're constantly trying to protect yourself from humiliation, it limits you at much that it affects your self esteem anyway.

Another thing is trying to live your own values. That's where self-respect comes from - when you know what you think is right and act accordingly. (Without stepping on people along the way!)

Brene Brown on vulnerability:

www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

I found reframing the way I talk about myself has helped a lot. Lack of confidence or self-belief can make us feel we need to justify ourselves.

Eg
"I'm good at baking cakes, but I'm no Jane Asher."

WTF has Jane Asher got to do with me? Why should I compare myself to her, or to anyone else for that matter?

Ban the But!

Are the children at the party happy? Yes! My cake is good enough.

"I'm good at making cakes." Full stop.

Keep it simple. Do you actively try to hurt others? No, then you're good enough. You aren't responsible for fixing anybody else but you try, and you aren't saying that they aren't good enough for not getting better so you know to be compassionate and kind. Save some compassion and kindness for yourself, you deserve it.

@RubaiyatOfAnyone I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I didn't really have that upbringing and have struggled with self esteem growing up but I'm in a good place now.
I try to be the parent you had and my husband is definitely that parent - I've learned a lot from him. I'm amazed with the way my kids deal with stuff that would have really upset or defeated me at their age - they just seem to let so much just slide of their backs and they never seem to take anything too personally. I think they have a fundamental belief that they are worthy and good no matter what anyone else may tell them. They have an inner confidence that I just didn't have at that age.

One thing I've learned though is that everyone has a confidence crisis sometimes. We all struggle with self esteem at some point in our lives. The amount of people who I've always thought of as really confident who have told me when they've had a bit too much to drink that their confidence is all an act and really they are crippled with self doubt is unbelievable.

It will vary hugely from person to person OP depending on what they view as 'good'. My DM's 'perfect' expectation of a quiet, polite little robot child or person is not attainable for me. I found it stifling, boring & vanilla & no way would I ever be her version of a Stepford Wife. Life isn't perfect & people aren't perfect & aiming for that leaves you disappointed & resentful. I do my best, accept mistakes as normal & things I can learn from. I know my good traits: those few I don't like, I work on,which is all you can do.

Op, I could have written all your posts, I had a very similar childhood to you physically & mentally abused by many of my family, the dumping ground for all their ills, the scapegoat. In adult life I experienced further trauma, I was left with a lot of complex issues & mental health problems. I have been doing compassion based therapy for around a year & a half, I have come so far, learnt so much about myself, I will keep going with this, in doing this it has been the best thing that I could have ever done for myself. I have been struggling with the self esteem part but I can see that I am beginning to learn that what my family told me was wrong because I am good enough, I am not bad, there is nothing wrong with me, that it is OK for me to make mistakes, to say no & to put myself first. There is a lot of very helpful advice in this thread but just wanted to say that being compassionate to ourselves is vital. Good luck with your journey, you deserve this, it's not an easy one but I think it is thoroughly rewarding & the best thing you can do to help heal yourself, just take things easy, be kind to yourself

Thanks very much for all your contributions and the time taken to answer a random stranger on the Internet , they have given me a lot to think about.

A recurring theme is self compassion, which seems to be more a state of being rather than of doing something and hey presto, it's there. Something to work on in future sessions!
Thanks again