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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel let down by friend during DS's illness

26 replies

aloneinthenight · 27/02/2020 15:54

DS was diagnosed with a serious illness last year. Our world has turned upside down and we have spent huge amounts of time in hospital, or attending appointments. I've had to give up work and everything has changed. He still may survive.

It's been a really difficult 12 months. Nearly all my friends have been amazing, so kind and supportive.

However one of my closest friends hasn't. Initially she was, but after the first month it's like she lost interest. Where we used to message several times a day, I now barely hear from her. When I do hear from her it's usually something quite insensitive or hurtful.

For example, when DS1 was in intensive care, I messaged her to tell her but all I got in return was 'that sounds awful, and two paragraphs about her chest infection'

I'm sure she doesn't mean to be, but I think she's very self-centred. I realise that much of our friendship was built on listening and supporting her through her dramas. She seems to operate on the same scale of drama as before whereas mine is on a different level. I'm happy to support friends through things their dealing with, and actually quite like the distraction, but she seems to equate her problems with mine. In a 'oh yes I'm really stressed too as I've got a big project on at work'

She lives less than half a mile a way but I haven't seen her. She's invited me to stuff but they're things that I really don't feel up to but she's made no effort to do anything else. It's like her life is carrying on as normal and she seems almost pissed off that I've dropped off the radar.

What makes it awkward is we are part of a larger circle of friends who are all being lovely, even though they were probably less close friends before.

It's become really strained because it's obvious that we're no longer close and it makes group situations awkward.

I don't know what to do, if anything. I don't have the energy or capacity to talk to her about it, but I'm angry with her for it and feel let down.

OP posts:
aloneinthenight · 27/02/2020 16:36

We have been in hospital this week with an emergency admission which she knows about and no message or anything.

OP posts:
TweetUsOnFacebook · 27/02/2020 16:42

She's a fair weather friend. Save your energy for your supportive friends. In group situations be polite but you don't have any reason to feel awkward.
Wishing your son all the best Flowers

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/02/2020 16:46

Just focus on your real friends. I had a friend like this at university and when we graduated she disappeared. She had just used me for emotional support and advice. It made me very sceptical for a while until I thought, actually I'd rather be me than you!

I'll be thinking of your little one.

CD14 · 27/02/2020 16:52

Sounds like a very difficult time op.

You will probably get a lot of she’s not your real friend, forget her etc. But let me tell you about myself... I am not a terrible person but I am a terrible friend. I have severe anxiety and DC with additional needs. I become so absorbed in my own issues that I struggle to remain in contact with friends. My friends probably think I’m awful, I guess I am but I do care for them deeply just struggle to show it. .

Maybe she’s busy? Does she have her own dc?

Also, I really struggle to see other people struggle so much I avoid it. Not an ideal way to be but I struggle to handle terrible things like when my grandfather was ill so I avoided it as much as possible. I also never know what to say when people are going through hard times so much so I end up saying nothing. I do believe I’m on the autism spectrum though. I really struggle with showing how I feel.

Just putting my point across. Don’t necessarily lose her as a friend.

Candyfloss99 · 27/02/2020 16:55

But her life is going on as normal. She probably doesn't know what else to do? She maybe thinks you don't want to be asked about it all the time.

QueenOfOversharing · 27/02/2020 16:57

I've had more than one "friend" like this and in the end I've ended up pushing them all away as I feel so let down. I've always been there for them, done so much & then when things are bad for me, it's minimised or compared to some crap in their life. I'm really sorry you're going through this. My advice is to drop contact. It's the only way I stopped getting so angry & resentful. I couldn't confront one of them, so I just let it go - she is massively defensive & ive seen her kick off.

It really does test your friendships, but hold on to those who are there!

Hope your son is doing ok & that he can improve in every way possible! 🙏🏼

chinateapot · 27/02/2020 16:57

Some people are like that. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer last year and while some friends have been amazing others have been as you describe. I think sometimes they just don’t know how to cope with it, don’t know what to say and cope (or not) by avoiding it. Shame you don’t have the same option!
Anyway. You can’t change them. So I think you just have to not invest any more emotional energy in that friendship and lean on those who are there for you.
I hope your DS does as well as possible. Flowers

aloneinthenight · 27/02/2020 16:58

Thanks everyone

cd I also suffer from anxiety so know this is an issue. I have another friend who is similar and definitely all of those things would apply to her. I don't feel let down by her, although sad.

It's not the case with this friend though.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/02/2020 17:00

She's a shit friend. The OP is reaching out and being ignored.
The OP hasn't mentioned anxiety either.

If she isn't acting like a friend she's no loss. The OP hasn't the time or emotional energy to pander.

I do hope you get better news about your son soon

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2020 17:02

And I would care how busy I was. If a friend was in this situation I'd be there.

KittenVsBox · 27/02/2020 17:04

My parents friendship circle changed dramatically when my brother was ill. 20 years on, those that stuck by them when the going was tough are still there. Those who didnt want to, or couldn't, deal with what was going on in their life at the time, have generally drifted away.

Expect nothing from her. Keep in touch with occasional messages if you want. Embrace those willing to adjust things to incorporate your current life constraints.

Hope DS is back home soon Flowers

Louiselouie0890 · 27/02/2020 17:07

Does she think you dont want to know as you've declined a few of her invitations

Herpesfreesince03 · 27/02/2020 17:11

I’m really sorry about your son op. I can understand you wanting to reach out and talk about your situation with your friends, but has it got to the point where you don’t talk about anything else? It may be that she’s at a loss at what she can say to comfort you. Of course a chest infection is on a different scale to what your son is going through, but I doubt very much she was comparing the two, she may have just thought you were both venting about your problems (no matter how big or small)

formerbabe · 27/02/2020 17:18

Don't give her any headspace. Some people are like this. If you see her, be polite and smile and go through the social nicities. At least you know now who your real friends are.

Wishing your ds well Flowers

Starlight456 · 27/02/2020 17:19

I have had a very close bereavement this Christmas..You learn a lot about people at these times..

Don't waste your time on someone who wants to be your friend when everything is going ok

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 27/02/2020 17:20

She sounds bloody awful, like your wider circle of friends I hope if someone I even vaguely knew was going through that I'd be available to them whenever possible. I can put my foot on it with the best of them but I can't imagine talking about my chest infection when someone's in intensive care.

KarmaStar · 27/02/2020 17:28

Hello op,
I have been where you are and I feel for you.
All I can say is,concentrate on you,your family and getting through each day the best you can.
You don't need dead weight around you right now,so I'd cut her loose and tell her that her lack of concern and empathy,has upset you and you no longer want to remain in contact.
Then ,it sounds harsh but you must put yourself first,block her.put her out of your mind.
She is no friend.
If the others in your social circle bring up the subject just say you are no longer in contact and leave it there.
You don't owe anyone an explanation.
Flowers for you,sending you support and strength.

Zaza1414 · 27/02/2020 17:29

Sending love to everyone that is or has been through CF friends...I know how you feel, my eldest was in intensive care (after brain surgery to remove a malignant tumour) my friend and neighbour kept messaging, to say how she understood as she had a headache too!!! Serious illnesses (and bereavement )really do show some people's true colours!!! Hope your son feels better soon x

Surfer25 · 27/02/2020 17:31

If you have a great many lovely supportive friends, what does it matter than one isn't great.

I have nothing but sympathy for anyone in your position but does that mean no one is allowed to talk to you about themselves just because you have a sick child.

How many people do you need to lean on?

Surfer25 · 27/02/2020 17:36

Just saw that she was like this before too.

Then I wouldn't be upset. She is just self absorbed and doesn't get it.

aloneinthenight · 27/02/2020 18:37

I think I just need to let her drift away and stick with the people I've got.

It's more the awkwardness that I struggle with as I will still have to see her at events and things.

OP posts:
aloneinthenight · 27/02/2020 18:43

surfer25 I'm more than happy for other people to talk about their lives. A couple of friends are going through relationship breakups and mental health issues and I'm still happy to listen.

But actually I will admit that I am not capable of offering much to anyone at the moment. I think some friends recognise this and offer support regardless.

To put it in context, her offers have consisted of a drink at her house, which after I accepted she withdrew because I'd offended her with a comment I made about a row she'd had with her boyfriend, offers to pick up my other child, along with various days that she couldn't do and the reasons why, and a karaoke night. And she offered me a lift to an event with a car full of people and my other friend offered to take me by myself.

Not once has she offered to visit in hospital, dropped anything off, popped round for a cup of tea or bought me a bat of chocolate.

OP posts:
ShesCurly · 27/02/2020 19:07

I know how you feel and it really is horrible.

I told my friend I would be having a brain operation and her response was "oh dear, what does that involve?"

That among other things devastated me, in a way so deep that it shocked me. I still can't believe it and cannot imagine why she responded so formally after 20 years of friendship.

But. She doesn't want to / isn't capable of the support that I thought she would give me. And I don't know 100% why. But I've decided that it's best for us both to quietly walk away.

It hurts but after the worst few years of my life I've realised you only really need 1/2/3 incredible friends in your life. And you appreciate each other so much more when you realise who the forever ones are.

I've tried not to be bitter and its actually worked which has surprised me. She doesn't have the ability to engage with what's going on in my life. It doesn't matter why, whether it's cruel or not she can't give me support right now so I don't want to force it.

But it has felt like a break up and a shock.

I'm thinking of you and your family, I hope so much that things improve for you. You sound lovely and thoughtful even to a stranger like me ThanksThanksThanks

aloneinthenight · 27/02/2020 21:39

curly you're right. A couple of really good friends are enough.

Some people are just very uncomfortable with it I think.

OP posts:
aloneinthenight · 26/03/2020 23:12

I thought I'd got over this one (and forgot about this thread' but tonight said friend is plastering her social media with clapping the NHS, praising the community spirit and how tough she's finding staying indoors this week.

She has not been to my house to check we're OK for 9 months, not so much as an offer of shopping that whole time.

OP posts:
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