Help! Is this an EA?

[Trixietangerine]

My DH takes our dds to gymnastics three times a week, and whilst there has made a female friend. It started off ok, just the usual hi, hello, how are you, but now has developed into a bigger friendship.

DH found out that they share some of the same hobbies and has become very invested in this friendship over the past couple of years. I don't know if I'm just being silly as DH doesn't have many friends and has a tendency to be overly nice to strangers.

It's got to the point where they are talking throughout the sessions, are part of a hobby group, the hobby group chat where they exchange messages, and now he is talking about inviting her and her daughter on days out with us. The demands keep getting greater and more personal to a level I don't feel comfortable with.

He is helping her out a lot with all sorts of things. I just don't know what to think. Part of me thinks he's just overly excited to have a new friend but then my gut feeling is something is off.

YANBU. He’s definitely over-invested in the friendship, I wouldn’t be happy. In my experience men don’t go out of their way to help another person on a regular basis unless they fancy them. It may not have reached EA territory but I would think it’s a risk.

Have you told him it makes you uncomfortable?

I've told him it makes me comfortable and he needs to tone it down but he thinks I'm overreacting.

Trust your gut instinct. I’m sure a lot of posters will come on to say YABU but I think any of use who have been on the receiving end of a partner having an EA will agree that your spidey senses are often correct.

You’re not overreacting. I would be alert to the possibility that he is minimising and gaslighting you by trying to make you think you’re blowing it out of proportion.

When his wife comes to him with a concern he should be worried that he’s done something to upset you, show greater transparency and offer to reduce contact with this person if it makes you feel uncomfortable. The fact that he’s not doing that is concerning.

I definitely wouldnt like it if it were my husband. And like yours- mine isnt hugely social, doesnt have many friends. So it would be very odd. Crucially - your gut feeling is that something is brewing. So I'd definitely talk to him about it more seriously so he understands how you feel and you can get more insight into his relationship with her.

Would he behave this way to a male friend?

If yes then maybe he's just excited about a new friend etc.
If no then it has clearly overstepped some boundaries.

Maybe ask him if he would behave like this with ...(insert male friends name here)... And see if that helps him to understand.

Invite her to your home. Let her see irl he is happily married.
And you will get a better idea of what there is between them. Is she married?

For me there are two big tests

1. is he doing anything he can’t tell you about
2. does their friendship dramatically change when you are present.

She is single and I asked him if he would behave this way if she were married...he said nothing, but the answer was obviously no.

He is asking to bring her and her dd along on days out. That doesn't scream EA to me.

I know, that's what I thought but it's just how much he's invested in all this. I joked he would be moving her in next week. It feels like I'm helping my husband get a new girlfriend...it feels weird.

Tell him everything you’ve said here, I would not be happy it’s just too much and verging on inappropriate

I've said it's too much and I'm getting sick of being the 'cool wife'. He just doesn't get it though.

The fact that he's making you out to be the unreasonable one, shows that he's feeling guilty. His reaction should have been to reassure you, apologise, and dial things back with this woman.

Trust your gut.

YANBU. I would hate this!!