Unusual, inconsistent behaviour from friends

[magneticmike]

NC for this as I didnt want to be identified by friends.

I was in a relationship, fell hopelessly in love with another man, saw it for what it was, put in tight boundaries, got counselling, worked on my relationship and managed to stay friends on a professional level with object of my affection.
My partner cheated on me and our relationship ended a couple of years later.

Back to now.Im single. That man and I remain close. He is in another relationship and he is very happy mostly.He confides in me about his fears and doubts as well as his future happiness with his partner. Perhaps he shouldn't be doing this but it has become a habit .You could saythat we are platonic friends who are exceptionally close

Once I put in boundaries back then, our contact reduced dramatically as we had been texting non stop every evening.
We gradually got back to texting a bit in the evenings( we work together) so see one another all day) innocent texting , work related, banter etc.
Since I've broken up with partner, he had dropped his girlfriends name into conversation very regularly for no apparent reason for a period of a few weeks,
However a few weeks ago,he stopped mentioning her (quite abruptly )and has started to increase contact with me again.
He knows that I am adamant to stay single and spend time with myself, that I'm not open to any type of relationship with anyone .
I get the impression that he is confused about his life in general.
We have had a long chat recently about relationships in general and what is important to us in our own relationships. Our wants could not be more different. I would hate his set up and he would not be interested in my wants.
What is your opinion on this please. It's a little awkward and odd since that chat.
Thank you.

Any replies gratefully received please.

sounds like he's feeling you out for some 'afternoon delight'. All that 'forced closeness', the deep and meaningful chats, then him spelling out what he wants, and reminding you he has a gf, then being all flirty.

Stop the deep and meaningful convo's with him. Tell him to talk to his gf instead.

It's unusual that you've remained friends in this situation but difficult not to I suppose since you have to work together.., it sounds like he may have developed feelings for you again that are beyond friendship, perhaps because you are so close all the time.

So if you don't feel the same you need to create some distance.

Thanks for responding.
He is a decent sort and I know he would struggle with his conscience if he had redeveloped feelings and would never act on them or admit to them.
The truth is that neither of us would succeedin a relationship together because of an entirely different set and f wants which neither of us could negotiate on , even if we really wanted to eg we have different ideas about equality, sex, family etc so to me it will always be a non starter despite him being a very lovely and kind person.
I do know that he finds some elements of his relationship desperately frustrating and that the likelihood of these elements will never t disappear, only intensify over time ,in his view.
He is currently at a crossroads in his relationship ie moving onto the next step of commitment and is being pressed to cohabit but he is not sure.Maybe this is why he is a bit scatty at the moment?

He knows that I am adamant to stay single and spend time with myself, that I'm not open to any type of relationship with anyone

OP - this is all you need to know.
His feelings & desires are up to him to manage.

You have already proved yourself - you were tempted years ago, & actively managed your way out from temptation. Bloody good for you!

You know this man would be a nightmare for you in a romantic setting, so keep as a colleague & a not-too-close friend. It doesn't matter what moves he does or does not make - all you need do is hold on to your own hat.

I admire you. Don't let him make you feel awkward. YOU have nothing to feel awkward about, If he does - that's his business, & his responsibility to deal with.

Becoming single has presented you as an "opportunity" to your friend. He is now weighing up his options and possibly remains undecided.

I think that you need to take yourself back off the table, focus on youself, then when you are ready, find someone new and uncomplicated.

But why does he drop her nameInt conversation for little reasons, it's so strange.her name would be totally unrelated to the topic but he went through a phase of answering every question or observation with the same line' Yes, Jane thinks that too or Jane agrees with you ..' Bloody bizarre as jane would have had no bearing on the conversation! This went on for a few weeks and never w Jane is unheard of. Weird I thought .

Sounds like he wants an emotional affair. He's using you for a nice ego boost and some emotional stroking. I'd back off and find other friends and activities to occupy yourself.

I think that's what happened a few years ago . Although I will always be grateful to him for helping me through a shit time of life even if lines got blurred at the time

Sounds like an EA to me, while you say you have boundaries in place and don't want it to go any further he may be looking for it to become more. Or perhaps he thinks you want a sexual affair and he keeps mentioning his girlfriend to remind you he has one. It all sound extremely blurred though, despite all your talk of boundaries.

I think you need to stop being so friendly with this man. He's mentioning his gf to remind you that he's in a relationship but is open to the possibility of an occasional shag with you, by the sounds of it. So not such a nice man.

Back away, find someone else to be your work best friend, and leave him to sort himself out, without involving you in the process.

Why do you care if he mentions his girlfriend?

You're very invested in this for someone who claims they want to be single.

Put some distance between you.

Well you're not friends are you... so clearly he fancies you back but has his girlfriend too.

I explicitly told him in conversation thatI was using this year to enjoy my free time and getting back in touch with old friends and hobbies. He knows O have absolutely j interest in a relationship with anybody but myself so that's ruled out.
We are friends but we don't speak as deeply anymore about his personal issues .
Subconsciously, I think I might have been too explicit when we were talking about how I am definitely not interested in any man. Perhaps I was trying to say that I am not interested and respect his relationship.
He was very upset when I put boundaries in place back then. He told me that it took him some time to process it and get over it so maybe he is a bit t wobbly since I have become single.
I care because it feels awkward and weird when he repeats his girlfriends name in many conversations especially when there is no context .
I hope he doesn't think I have interest . He was s not my type to have a relationship with .

You want to stay single and he isn’t single so it’s pretty cut and dry really, nothing should happen between you.

It sounds like when you became single, he kept dropping his gf's name, to remind you he's not single, but has now changed his mind, and wants to try with you, hence no longer mentioning her.

I think you need to step back a bit. Get some space between you, only chat at work, and keep the conversation general, what you watched last night, etc, no more discussions about relationships.

You say in your opening post that you fell hopelessly in love with this man - are you sure there's not a tiny bit of yearning for him still going on? It sounds almost as if you hope he's fallen hopelessly in love with you this time around.

The more i got to know him the mote I could see that we are fundamentally incompatible.we would never work. Our dealbreakers are piles apart as are our wishes in a relationship.
I have great time and respect for him and I admire him professionally. I love his company and we have great fun but regardless of my feelings , we could never work in the future . I spent months in therapy dealing with my issues about this whole thing and thought that it was over . His behaviour lately has rattled me a bit.

I wouldn't be friends with him in this situation. It doesn't sound like you are focusing on yourself, there is a lot of worrying about what he wants and what his behaviour means. I think if you want to actually focus on yourself and look after yourself you need to save your energy for less complicated friendships.

Thanks. I really am focused on myself but this has happened over the last few weeks so I just wanted your thoughts thanks .